SNL Transcripts: Steve Martin: 01/31/09: Forefathers Of The Game


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 34: Episode 14

08n: Steve Martin / Jason Mraz

Forefathers Of The Game

Billy “The Gun” Van Goff….Steve Martin
Lew Massey….Darrell Hammond
Ray “The Monster” Krupp….Bobby Moynihan
“Crazy” Pete Damashek….Jason Sudeikis
Jack Vernon….Bill Hader
Jack Snaad….Will Forte
Gabe Silverberg….Andy Samberg

Announcer: You´re watching ESPN Classic. (ESPN logo)

(Opens with old football footage in black and white)

Announcer: Professional football didn´t have the glamour that it has today. In the early days there was little pay and no rules. Today we journey back for another episode of “Forefathers of the game”

Caption: Forefathers of the game

(Extremely old man)

Caption: Lew Massey Head Coach Altoona Quarrymen 1929-1937

Lew Massey: The greatest player with the most meteoric rise I´ve ever coached was Billy “The Gun” Van Goff.

(black and white still of Billy holding a football)

Caption: Ray “The Monster” Krupp Linebacker Allegheny Miners 1931-1939

(old man also)

Ray “The Monster” Krupp: The quarterback we most feared? “The Gun”.

Caption: “Crazy” Pete Damashek Middle Linebacker Allegheny Miners 1929-1933

(old man)

“Crazy” Pete Damashek: “The Gun”. We hated playing “The Gun”.

(Newsreel in black and white with Billy holding a football, laughing. Cut to Billy in the present, very old)

Billy “The Gun” Van Goff: They called me “The Gun” for 2 reasons. One, I had the best arm in the league. And the second reason was I always brought a gun on the field.

(Black and white still of Billy holding a gun)

Lew Massey: I remember the first time I coached “The Gun”, he got tackled and he was so mad.( black and white photo of the young couch yelling) And when he came back to the sidelines I yelled: “Well, what are you going to do about it?” And, I´ll never forget, he said: “I´m gonna get my gun”.

(Black and white photo of a young referee blowing his whistle)

(Cut to the now elderly referee)

Caption: Jack Vernon Head Official Pennsylvania Valley Football Assoc.

Jack Vernon: I was the only one official in the league at the time and there was, with good reason I should add, some uproar about a player brandishing a firearm during a game. But technically, there was no rule against it.

Caption: Jack Snaad Commissioner PVFA

(black and white photo of the commissioner sitting at his desk)

(cut to the elderly commissioner)

Jack Snaad: As commissioner of the league I moved quickly to ban firearms but there was one major loophole.

Billy “The Gun” Van Goff: The rule had a grandfather clause. Anyone who had used a gun in a game was allowed to keep it.

(black and white still of Billy pointing gun to terrorized players)

Ray “The Monster” Krupp: Of course we were upset. He had a great arm and a GUN.

“Crazy” Pete Damashek: We just dropped back and he´d stand there pointing the gun at us. Daring us to rush him. I remember a whole quarter went by with him yelling: “Which one of you sons of bitches wants to eat a bullet?” (Black and white still of Billy holding off a bunch of football players at gunpoint) That´s not football.

Caption: Original Radio Broadcast October 27, 1932

Radio: Goff drops back….here comes the defense….(Bang!) The defense is running away! (Bang!) Throws….touchdown Quarrymen! (Bang! Bang!)

(another still of Billy celebrating, shooting his gun up in the air)

Billy “The Gun” Van Goff: We were undefeated going into our championship game and we would´ve won it all if not for….the incident.

Caption: 1932 PVFA Championship Game

(Black and white newsreel of the game, its snowing)

Lew Massey: In the championship game “Gun” was getting a little cocky. He would openly drink on the sidelines (Billy drinks from a flask) and so it made him more intimidating.

Ray “The Monster” Krupp: We could tell he was drunk. We decided this was our chance. Lets all out blitz him. He can´t shoot all of us.

(still of the whole team after Billy “The Gun”)

“Crazy” Pete Damashek: And we surprised him. He threw it as far as he could (Ray “The Monster” Krupp jumps after Billy “The Gun”) and turned at us, took aim….but he was still holding the football yet.(Billy looks at the football dumbfounded) He´d thrown the gun.

(black and white newsreel of a young football player with football in his hands)

Lew Massey: Gabe Silverstein was our star receiver. (still of Gabe about to make a catch) It was snowing so hard that he didn´t realize he was catching a gun until it was too late. (still of Gabe catching a gun pointed at his head)

Jack Vernon: (emotional) Gabe made 2 catches that day. A touchdown. And a bullet.

Jack Snaad: I had no choice but to kick “Gun” out of the league and thus ending one of the greatest football careers I´ve ever seen.

(newsreel of Billy shooting his gun up in the air. Bang! Bang!)

Announcer: This has been ESPN Classic.

(ESPN logo)

(Cheers and applause)


Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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