SNL Transcripts: Steve Martin: 01/31/09: Issues


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 34: Episode 14

08n: Steve Martin / Jason Mraz


Clarence Jernegan…..Kenan Thompson
Sara Stokes…..Casey Wilson
Connor French…..Steve Martin

(Opens with Clarence sitting on his TV panel show writing on his clipboard)

Jingle: Everybody got issues, you and me got issues, he and she got issues, issues with Clarence Jernegan…

(Clarence is a black nerd with buck teeth and glasses)

Clarence Jernegan: Hello. Welcome to Issues. I´m your host Clarence Jernegan. This is s show where we help you with your issues. You know, I was 2 credits away from having my degree on social work from Arizona University, so I guess you could say, this is my passion. (chortles) Well, why don´t we get started and bring out our first guest? Please welcome, Sara Stokes.

(Sara is an attractive young woman but with horrible acne all over her face)

Sara Stokes: Thank you for having me, Clarence. I really need your advice on an issue that is tearing me up inside.

Clarence Jernegan: Yeah, I can see that. Well, the first thing I want to ask you is, have you ever tried “Clearasil”?

Sara Stokes: Um, maybe when I was a teenager.

Clarence Jernegan: Ok, how about “Oxy-10”?

Sara Stokes: No.

Clarence Jernegan: Have you ever thought of using “Proactive”? You know, Puff Daddy uses that.

Sara Stokes: Wh–, why are we talking about this? My issue is with my sister.

Clarence Jernegan: (condescending look) Really?

Sara Stokes: Yes, really. I do so much for my sister and she just does nothing for me in return. She wouldn´t even let me borrow a sweater.

Clarence Jernegan: Well, I wouldn´t either. I wouldn´t want you putting my sweater over all that mess up there.(points to her face)

Sara Stokes: Excuse me?

Clarence Jernegan: You know, if I were you I think my issue would be my pimples.

Sara Stokes: Ok, you know what? I´m ok with my skin.

Clarence Jernegan: Well, you shouldn´t be. Ok, you need to think about someone other than yourself for a change.

Sara Stokes: Ok, you are rude. And by the way, you have buck teeth.

Clarence Jernegan: So-o-o?! You know what? Why don´t you take your pimples home and away from my show?(Sara leaves)

Clarence Jernegan: Bye. Umm, what can we glean from this? When you´re looking in the mirror, you´re not just looking at yourself. You are seeing what everyone else has to look at all day. Ok? Lets move on to my next guest. Please welcome, Connor French.

(Connor is a middle-aged man with a mustache, curly hair and a very noticeable pair of saggy breasts. He sits down)

Connor French: Thank you for having in your show, Clarence. I´m at the end of my rope and I really need some support right now.

Clarence Jernegan: (eyes wide open looking at the boobs) Yeah, I can see that. Have you ever tried wearing a man-bra?

Connor French: What?

Clarence Jernegan: Or you can gain a lot of weight so that it all evens itself out.

Connor French: What are you talking about?

Clarence Jernegan: You ever thought about a poncho?

Connor French: I´m here to talk about my fear of water.

Clarence Jernegan: (condescending look) Really? (stares at the boobs, close-up on boobs) Oh, you know, I see. You don´t like taking your shirt off in public.

Connor French: No. I like my physique.

Clarence Jernegan: You do-o-o?!

Connor French: Yes. I´m just scared to go in the water. You know, undertows, sharks?

Clarence Jernegan: Well, what are you scared of? You got 2 built-in flotation devices.

Connor French: What are you talking about?

Clarence Jernegan: Your man boobs!

Connor French: What man boobs?!

Clarence Jernegan: Man, those big old hussy puppies! Last question: Can I squeeze one of them?

Connor French: (upset, gets up) Listen, bucky-bucky, buck tooth! You know you got buck teeth, right?!

Clarence Jernegan: So-o-o?!

Connor French: So, I don´t have to take this! So, I´m leaving!(adjusts his saggy breasts, leaves)

Clarence Jernegan: You know, I am so blessed that Sara and Connor allowed me to help them with their issues. Well, that´s all the time we have. I will see you next week on “Issues”. Provided that I get a ride here. I´m Clarence Jernegan. This has been “Issues”.

(Jingle plays again)

Jingle: Everybody got issues…..

(cheers and applause)


Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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