SNL Transcripts: Steve Martin: 01/31/09: Steve and the Ladies

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 34: Episode 14

08n: Steve Martin / Jason Mraz

Steve and the Ladies

…..Steve Martin
…..Casey Wilson
…..Kristen Wiig
…..Abby Elliott
…..Michaela Watkins
…..Lorne Michaels

[ Casey Wilson taps on Steve Martin’s dresing room door ] [ Steve opens the door to exit, while looking back and speaking to someone offscreen ]

Steve Martin: You’re wonderful, and you’re fantastic!

Casey Wilson: Oh. I’m sorry. Are you talking to somebody?

Steve Martin: No, there’s a mirror across the room!

[ Steve joins Casey in the hall ]

Casey Wilson: Um — Steve. I just have a question about comedy.

Steve Martin: Oh, Casey, you know I never talk to cast members, unless they’ve been here at least three years.

Casey Wilson: Oh, I understand. It’s just, you know, you’re The Master!

Steve Martin: [ flattered to his satisfaction ] Oh. Well… alright. One question. Go ahead.

Casey Wilson: Um — what is comedy?

Steve Martin: [ he chuckles ] You know, I get that a lot! Comedy = Time + Precision – Hope ÷ puns + wigs.

Casey Wilson: Thank you.

Steve Martin: Now, if you’ll excuse me — I need to go and not talk to you any more.

[ Steve saunters off, as Casey breaks into the opening stanza from “They Long To Be (Close To You)” ] [ Kristen Wiig enters the hall ]

Kristen Wiig: Casey?

Casey Wilson: [ stops abruptly ] What?! Nothing!!

Kristen Wiig: Oh… my… God! You have a huge crush on Steve!

Casey Wilson: No, I don’t — did he, did he say anything?

[ Steve re-enters ]

Steve Martin: Oh! Hi, Kristen! [ he playfully falls into her breasts with both hands positioned ] Oh, whoops! We-e-ell! Somebody doesn’t qualify for a SAG Award!

[ Steve chuckles, then wanders off, as Kristen breaks into the opening stanza from “Unforgettable”, which soon becomes a duet with Casey ] [ Abby Elliott and Michaela Watkins enter the hall ]

Abby Elliott: Hey, what are you guys doing?

Kristen Wiig: [ stops abruptly ] Nothing!!

Michaela Watkins: [ laughing ] You guys are in love with Steve, aren’t you?

Kristen Wiig: Yes.

Casey Wilson: Very much so.

Kristen Wiig: Yes.

Casey Wilson: He’s just — he’s SO real!

Kristen Wiig: So cool!

[ Steve again saunters past, this time gazing into a newspaper, looking up in time to barely notice Abby and Michaela ]

Steve Martin: Bimbo #1… Bimbo #2!

[ Steve saunters off again, as Abby starts the girls in a chorus of “At Last” ] [ the camera pans over to find Steve standing with Lorne Michaels ]

Lorne Michaels: Why is it every time you host, the girls are in love with you?

Steve Martin: I don’t know. I don’t get it, either. But, frankly, now that I think about it — I do get it. [ with a sly nod to Lorne ] I’ll take care of this.

[ Steve approaches the girls ]

Steve Martin: Ladies, look — you’re all beautiful and intelligent women, but… I’m married, and I love my wife very much. And that’s why it’s very important… that she doesn’t find out about the orgy we’re about to have. [ the girls nod in understanding ] So, let’s go to Wardrobe, we’ll pick out some costumes!

Girls: Oh, okay!

[ they all turn around and walk down the hall arm in arm, everyone with someone else’s hand on their ass ]

Steve Martin: Yeah! That’s good!

[ fade ]

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