SNL Transcripts: Steve Martin: 01/31/09: Steve and the Ladies


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 34: Episode 14

08n: Steve Martin / Jason Mraz

Steve and the Ladies

…..Steve Martin
…..Casey Wilson
…..Kristen Wiig
…..Abby Elliott
…..Michaela Watkins
…..Lorne Michaels

[ Casey Wilson taps on Steve Martin’s dresing room door ] [ Steve opens the door to exit, while looking back and speaking to someone offscreen ]

Steve Martin: You’re wonderful, and you’re fantastic!

Casey Wilson: Oh. I’m sorry. Are you talking to somebody?

Steve Martin: No, there’s a mirror across the room!

[ Steve joins Casey in the hall ]

Casey Wilson: Um — Steve. I just have a question about comedy.

Steve Martin: Oh, Casey, you know I never talk to cast members, unless they’ve been here at least three years.

Casey Wilson: Oh, I understand. It’s just, you know, you’re The Master!

Steve Martin: [ flattered to his satisfaction ] Oh. Well… alright. One question. Go ahead.

Casey Wilson: Um — what is comedy?

Steve Martin: [ he chuckles ] You know, I get that a lot! Comedy = Time + Precision – Hope ÷ puns + wigs.

Casey Wilson: Thank you.

Steve Martin: Now, if you’ll excuse me — I need to go and not talk to you any more.

[ Steve saunters off, as Casey breaks into the opening stanza from “They Long To Be (Close To You)” ] [ Kristen Wiig enters the hall ]

Kristen Wiig: Casey?

Casey Wilson: [ stops abruptly ] What?! Nothing!!

Kristen Wiig: Oh… my… God! You have a huge crush on Steve!

Casey Wilson: No, I don’t — did he, did he say anything?

[ Steve re-enters ]

Steve Martin: Oh! Hi, Kristen! [ he playfully falls into her breasts with both hands positioned ] Oh, whoops! We-e-ell! Somebody doesn’t qualify for a SAG Award!

[ Steve chuckles, then wanders off, as Kristen breaks into the opening stanza from “Unforgettable”, which soon becomes a duet with Casey ] [ Abby Elliott and Michaela Watkins enter the hall ]

Abby Elliott: Hey, what are you guys doing?

Kristen Wiig: [ stops abruptly ] Nothing!!

Michaela Watkins: [ laughing ] You guys are in love with Steve, aren’t you?

Kristen Wiig: Yes.

Casey Wilson: Very much so.

Kristen Wiig: Yes.

Casey Wilson: He’s just — he’s SO real!

Kristen Wiig: So cool!

[ Steve again saunters past, this time gazing into a newspaper, looking up in time to barely notice Abby and Michaela ]

Steve Martin: Bimbo #1… Bimbo #2!

[ Steve saunters off again, as Abby starts the girls in a chorus of “At Last” ] [ the camera pans over to find Steve standing with Lorne Michaels ]

Lorne Michaels: Why is it every time you host, the girls are in love with you?

Steve Martin: I don’t know. I don’t get it, either. But, frankly, now that I think about it — I do get it. [ with a sly nod to Lorne ] I’ll take care of this.

[ Steve approaches the girls ]

Steve Martin: Ladies, look — you’re all beautiful and intelligent women, but… I’m married, and I love my wife very much. And that’s why it’s very important… that she doesn’t find out about the orgy we’re about to have. [ the girls nod in understanding ] So, let’s go to Wardrobe, we’ll pick out some costumes!

Girls: Oh, okay!

[ they all turn around and walk down the hall arm in arm, everyone with someone else’s hand on their ass ]

Steve Martin: Yeah! That’s good!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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