Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 34: Episode 14
Steve and the Ladies
[ Casey Wilson taps on Steve Martin’s dresing room door ] [ Steve opens the door to exit, while looking back and speaking to someone offscreen ]
Steve Martin: You’re wonderful, and you’re fantastic!
Casey Wilson: Oh. I’m sorry. Are you talking to somebody?
Steve Martin: No, there’s a mirror across the room!
Casey Wilson: Um — Steve. I just have a question about comedy.
Steve Martin: Oh, Casey, you know I never talk to cast members, unless they’ve been here at least three years.
Casey Wilson: Oh, I understand. It’s just, you know, you’re The Master!
Steve Martin: [ flattered to his satisfaction ] Oh. Well… alright. One question. Go ahead.
Casey Wilson: Um — what is comedy?
Steve Martin: [ he chuckles ] You know, I get that a lot! Comedy = Time + Precision – Hope ÷ puns + wigs.
Casey Wilson: Thank you.
Steve Martin: Now, if you’ll excuse me — I need to go and not talk to you any more.[ Steve saunters off, as Casey breaks into the opening stanza from “They Long To Be (Close To You)” ] [ Kristen Wiig enters the hall ]
Kristen Wiig: Casey?
Casey Wilson: [ stops abruptly ] What?! Nothing!!
Kristen Wiig: Oh… my… God! You have a huge crush on Steve!
Casey Wilson: No, I don’t — did he, did he say anything?
Steve Martin: Oh! Hi, Kristen! [ he playfully falls into her breasts with both hands positioned ] Oh, whoops! We-e-ell! Somebody doesn’t qualify for a SAG Award![ Steve chuckles, then wanders off, as Kristen breaks into the opening stanza from “Unforgettable”, which soon becomes a duet with Casey ] [ Abby Elliott and Michaela Watkins enter the hall ]
Abby Elliott: Hey, what are you guys doing?
Kristen Wiig: [ stops abruptly ] Nothing!!
Michaela Watkins: [ laughing ] You guys are in love with Steve, aren’t you?
Kristen Wiig: Yes.
Casey Wilson: Very much so.
Kristen Wiig: Yes.
Casey Wilson: He’s just — he’s SO real!
Kristen Wiig: So cool![ Steve again saunters past, this time gazing into a newspaper, looking up in time to barely notice Abby and Michaela ]
Steve Martin: Bimbo #1… Bimbo #2!
Lorne Michaels: Why is it every time you host, the girls are in love with you?
Steve Martin: I don’t know. I don’t get it, either. But, frankly, now that I think about it — I do get it. [ with a sly nod to Lorne ] I’ll take care of this.[ Steve approaches the girls ]
Steve Martin: Ladies, look — you’re all beautiful and intelligent women, but… I’m married, and I love my wife very much. And that’s why it’s very important… that she doesn’t find out about the orgy we’re about to have. [ the girls nod in understanding ] So, let’s go to Wardrobe, we’ll pick out some costumes!
Girls: Oh, okay![ they all turn around and walk down the hall arm in arm, everyone with someone else’s hand on their ass ]
Steve Martin: Yeah! That’s good!