SNL Transcripts: Steve Martin: 01/31/09: MacGruber


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 34: Episode 14

08n: Steve Martin / Jason Mraz


MacGruber…..Will Forte
Vicky…..Kristen Wiig
MacGyver… Richard Dean Anderson

[FADE IN on the ends of two electric wires as a spark jumps between them. CUT among various shots of pontoon planes, hands tinkering with materials, and exploding buildings.]

Making life-saving inventions out of household materials!
Getting in and out of ultra-sticky situations!
The guy’s a freakin’ genius!”

[CUT to MacGruber in a karate pose against footage of flames.]

Singers: “MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!”

[CUT to an abandoned oil refinery. SUPERIMPOSE caption, “Abandoned Oil Refinery.” CUT to a sign marked “Oil Refinery Control Room” as sirens wail.]

Vicky: [struggling with locked door] MacGruber, this door is welded shut! and from the looks of that dynamite we’ve got about 20 seconds!

MacGruber: Okay, just stay calm, because everything I need to defuse this bomb is inside this room… Vicky, toss me that pen cap!

Vicky: On the way, MacGruber!

MacGruber: New guy! What’s your name again?

MacGyver: [he turns around] MacGyver.

MacGruber: MacGyver? that’s a stupid name… Okay, MacGyver, pass me that tumbtack!

MacGyver: I’d go with the gum wrapper.

MacGruber: Well, MacGyver, you’re not MacGruber.

MacGyver: And I’m glad I’m not!

MacGruber: Good!

MacGyver: Good!

MacGruber: Good!

MacGyver: Good!

MacGruber: Good!… By the way, the 80’s called, they want their hair back.

MacGyver: Your hair is way more 80’s!

MacGruber: W-w-were running out of time!

Vicky: Five seconds, MacGruber!

MacGruber: Vicky, hand me that Pepsi!

Vicky: Here you go!

MacGruber: [opens the Pepsi can] Get PEPSI BREAK!!!!

MacGyver: You just said we’re running out of time!

MacGruber: There’s always time… [shows the can to the camera] for Pep…

[CUT to the oil refinery exploding and spewing smoke everywhere.]

Singers: MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!

Submitted by: Ramon

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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