Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 34: Episode 14
Steve’s Martin’s Monologue
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Steve Martin!
[ the audience cheers enthusiastically, as Martin shirks it off ]
Steve Martin: No! No! That’s just crazy! I’m DELIGHTED to be hosting “Saturday Night Live” for the FIFTEENTH time! [ audience whoops ] Wow! You know, as I stand on this stage, all I can think of are the great people who have stood on this exact spot… and I think: Germs.
And there’s a lot of pressure on me, because you’re thinking: “Ohhh, there’s Steve Martin, I wonder what he’s got up his sleeve?” Well… I’ll tell you: hundreds of tiny arm hairs. But, also — and this is such a weird coincidence — I’m here, hosting “Saturday Night Live”… and I have a movie opening next week! [ the audience cheers, as Martin acts dumbfounded ] It’s crazy! I mean, I host the show, I got a movie coming out.
People come up to me all the time, and they say, “Steve! How do you do it?” And I say, “How I make love, is none of your business.”
Yes, it’s me standing out here in front of the camera… but a lot of the credit for tonight’s show goes to the hard-working, underappreciated people who work behind the scenes — or, as we call them in the business: the scene-behinders.
But I think the real reason they keep asking me back after all these years, is that… after these years in show business, I haven’t lost my connection to the people. They look at me and they say, “Wow, he’s just like me.” In fact, you know who was just saying that to me this morning? Tomas, who is in charge of three of my L.A. shoe closets.
And Barack Obama is now our President! [ on cue, the audience cheers ] If you had told me, that even eight years, that one day a competent, educated person would be elected President — you know, WOW! [ the audience cheers louder ]
You know what? I think this is the BEST audience “Saturday Night Live” has ever had! [ easily flattered, the audience cheers wildly ] You know what? I have decided I’m going to put ALL of you… in my next movie. It’s going to be claled “EVeryone Painfully Dies”.
You know, this actually is a very special night for me. It’s funny, because, my grandmother predicted this evening. She said, “Steve, one Saturday night, you will be performing live in front of 500 people… and many of them will be gay and not know it!”
But enough silly comedy jokes! I… hope you enjoy this show tonight — and, by that, I mean go see my new movie, “Pink Panther 2”, opening next Friday! Jason Mraz is here, so stick around, we’ll be right back!