SNL Transcripts: Steve Martin: 01/31/09: Steve Martin performs “Late For School”

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 34: Episode 14

08n: Steve Martin / Jason Mraz

Steve Martin performs “Late For School”

…..Steve Martin

Steve Martin: Here’s a song I wrote for my new banjo CD. It’s called “Late for School”.

[ singing ]

“Woke up this mornin’
Clock said I was late for school.
Teacher told me “That’s not cool.”
Got to put my shirt and pants on.
Flew down the front stair,
Wet my finger and slicked my hair.
Elbowed Grandma passing by
Her face went into a pie.

If I’m late there’s misery;
I won’t be up on history.
I’ll be in the English grammar slammer,
And I’ll get a “C”.
Got a warning last semester,
Told my mom and that depressed her.
Promised that I won’t be late
So got to accelerate.
Let’s go!

Ran out the front door,
Moving like a meteor,
I sped across the front lawn quickly,
Missed the bus,
My shoelace tripped me.
Rounded the corner,
Homework flying as I go.
Neighbors shouted “Talley-ho!”
And gave a standing “O”.

Lept across three lawn flamingos.
Waved to Saul,
He’s Phillipino!
Lept the fence and found
That I was headed for the pool.
In the air
I did look funny,
On the air
I make some money.
Waved my arms and legs like mad
To alter where I land.

Aimed for the rubber boat;
Hit instead the kiddy float.
I began to lose control.
I’m so glad I learned to logroll.
Jumped onto the diving board,
Bounced off it and headed toward
The jungle gym,
I swung just right,
And caught onto a kite!

Hustle high, I see the school,
Eight a.m., that’s the rule.
Flying slowly, time is marking,
Down below the dogs are barking. (bark, bark)
I feel like I’m sailing.
But, uh-oh, the wind is failing!
Now I’m headed downward,
Onward to the school.

On the football field I crash,
Fifty yard line, perfect stash!
Grabbed my books,
And so begins,
My frantic, final dash.
Down the hall I ricochet,
Trophy cases in my way.
The other kids are all in class.
I wish that I were they!

Almost there!

I see the clock is with delight.
Eight a.m., exactly right!
I pull the handle with a fight.
The door is locked,
And that’s not right.
There’s not a person here today.
Is everybody out to play?
Now I’m thinking,
And it’s sinking,
And it is Saturday, oh!

I could’ve stayed in bed!

I’m out the school gate.
Wish that I could aviate,
Or possibly evaporate.
I’ll be home and back in bed soon.
My dad is waiting,
“What he heck were you up to?
Let’s go fishing.
My, oh my!
Your grandma’s face is in a pie!”

This is really something,
I’m with Dad and fish are jumping.
Mom gave me a new alarm
To set for Monday morn.
Never wanna be late for school.
Never wanna be the classroom fool.
I’ll be in the English grammer slammer,
And I’ll get a “D”!

Now my feet are doing dances.
Hip-Hooray for second chances!
I’m not late,
And life is great,
It’s time to celebrate!

Submitted by: Gene Schafer

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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