SNL Transcripts: Steve Martin: 01/31/09: A Message from the President of the United States

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 14

08n: Steve Martin / Jason Mraz

A Message from the President of the United States

President Barack Obama…..Fred Armisen
Joe Biden…..Jason Sudeikis

[ open on Presidential Seal ]

Announcer: And now, a Message from the President of the United States.

[ dissolve to President Obama seated behind desk in the Oval Office ]

President Barack Obama: Good evening, my fellow citizens. Tonight, I am here to talk to you about the brave state of the American economy. Now, I’m not gonna “sugarcoat” it… I’m not gonna “dumb” it down. I’m gonna tell it like it is. But… before I get to the hard truth…

[ he turns to a side camera for a seductive close-up ]

Remember the night of the Inauguration? That was pretty cool! A lot of great speeches… Aretha Franklin… Yo Yo Ma… Aretha’s hat…

[ he turns back to address the main camera in a serious tone ]

But, now, is not the time to look back. It’s a time to look forward and acknowledge the sacrifices we’re all going to have to make. Buuuuttt… before we do that…

[ he turns to a side camera for a seductive close-up ]

Remember the election night? Grant Park in Chicago. Nice weather. Oprah. The white guy Oprah was crying on. Good times.

[ he turns back to address the main camera in a serious tone ]

But… enough about the past. Let’s talk… about the present.

[ he quickly turns to a side camera for a seductive close-up ]

Remember the convention in Denver? Rocky mountain air? “Yes, we can!” “Yes… we… can.” Even John Kerry was fun.

[ he turns back to address the main camera in a serious tone, but then quickly turns to a side camera for another seductive close-up ]

Remember Iowa?

[ he turns back to address the main camera in a serious tone ]

Okay! The economy. Now, I’m not gonna lie. It is bad times right now. The guy before me left me two wars… a recession… and a Nolan Ryan poster that is super-glued to the bedroom wall. And as, um, tradition dictates… he also left me a note from 44 to 43.

[ Obama holds up an envelope correctly labeled “To: 44 From: 43”, then removes official White House stationary with the phrase “Read Other Side” scribbled on both sides ] [ dismayed ] He was President. A President wrote that. [ he puts the document down ] Now… I know what you’re thinking: all I used to talk about was HOPE! And CHANGE! Now I’m the Mayor of Bummer City. Well, it’s like this: for two years, we went through what is known as a “courtship” phase of a relationship. I was on my best behavior, and I swept you off your feet. But, now, we’re moving in together… and we’re going to find out things about each other we don’t like. For example, you’re going to find out I’m grumpy in the morning. And I’m finding out that you… are terrible with money.

Joe Biden V/O: Yooo!!! Biden Alert!!

[ Joe Biden enters the scene, grinning like a jackass as Obama winces at his intrusive presence ]

Joe Biden: You look good!

President Barack Obama: Thank you. Uh, Joe, I’m just making an address on the economy.

Joe Biden: Got it!

President Barack Obama: Yeah.

[ Biden doesn’t budge an inch ]

President Barack Obama: It’s a solo address.

Joe Biden: Alright! Okay! Carry on!

[ Biden takes a step back, but remains in frame ]

President Barack Obama: You know, if you don’t mind —

Joe Biden: If I may. Please! [ he leans toward the camera ] Look, I know $819 billion sounds like a lot of money. But it’s just the TIP OF THE ICEBERG!! [ he laughs ] I mean, that money’s gonna get us to APRIL! TOPS!! If you people knew how BAD it’s gonna be!!

President Barack Obama: Great, Joe…

Joe Biden: Okay, okay! I’m out of here, pardner, I hear ya’! “All aboooooard… AM-TRAK!!” [ he laughs, then stops when he sees Obama scowl ] Never again! Never again, no way! I’m flyin’ Air Force Two now — the DEUCE!! [ he laughs, then chug-a-lugs backwards out of frame ] Choo-choo!! Choo-choo-choo!!

President Barack Obama: I couldn’t pick Hillary… I just couldn’t!

To conclude: I’m gonna need $819 billion. As to what kind of oversight there’s gonna, or why we need it so quickly: I can answer that by saying: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts