SNL Transcripts: Steve Martin: 01/31/09: An SNL Digital Short


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 34: Episode 14

08n: Steve Martin / Jason Mraz

An SNL Digital Short

…..Steve Martin
…..Lorne Michaels
…..Andy Samberg
Nitro…..Bill Hader
Cyber Face…..Kenan Thompson
Scientist…..Will Forte

[ INT. LORNE’S OFFICE – NIGHT ] [ Lorne’s at his desk. Steve comes in. ]

Steve Martin: Hey Lorne! You busy?

Lorne Michaels: No, no. Come in.

Steve Martin: Great! You know, I get tired of this amateur night stuff. So some film people and I went out and shot a short video we’d like to air. Would that be okay?

Lorne Michaels: Steve… whatever you want.

[ Steve pulls out a tape and heads to Lorne’s VCR. ]

Steve Martin: Great. Lorne, I present to you “Lizard Cats”.

[ Andy and Bill are at the doorway. ]

Bill Hader: [whispering] “Laser Cats!”

Steve Martin: “Laser Cats!”

[ Lorne sighs. Bill gives a thumbs-up and Andy pumps his fist to his chest. ] [ CUT TO: MAIN TITLE SEQUENCE ON TELEVISON OF “LASER CATS” WITH CATS FLYING AND THE PLANET EARTH. ]

Bill Hader (V/O): In the future, there was a nuclear war. And because of all the radiation, cats developed the ability to shoot lasers out of their mouths. Some will use the cats for good, others for evil. Who will win in a world of…?

[ Andy and Bill are dressed in fitness clothes and are firing their “laser cats”, plush cat dolls, at various areas in Central Park. ]

[ SUPER: LASER CATS! 4EVER ] [ SUPER: WRITTEN & DIRECTED BY BILL HADER & ANDY SAMBERG ] [ Andy and Bill continue shooting. ] [ A black and white publicity photo of Steve Martin appears against a black screen. Angelic music plays. ] [ SUPER: EXECUTIVE PRODUCER STEVE MARTIN ] [ EXT. 30 ROCK – DAY ] [ SUPER: CYBOT-TRON LABS ] [ INT. 30 ROCK LOBBY ] [ A SCIENTIST gathers around several of his colleagues. ]

Scientist: Behind these doors gentleman, I give you the future of laser combat. Half laser-cat, half RoboCop. I give you — Cyber Face!

[ An elevator door opens, CYBER FACE is nothing more than a large man wearing tin-foil pants, silver boots, an Oakley visor, and has five plush cat doll heads on each hand to represent a laser cat/machine gun. ]

Scientist: Do not be alarmed. I have him under control.


Cyber Face: Error. Error.

[ Cyber Face shoots the scientist with multiple laser rounds. He pauses, then shoots the other scientists. ] [ SUPER: MEANWHILE ON MARS. ] [ Andy and Bill are floating in lounge chairs. A beach-at-sunset backdrop is behind them. ]

Andy Samberg: Best vacation ever.

[ Two women in black bathing suits walk by. ]

Nitro: Mars does…

[ Both men lower their sunglasses. ]

Nitro: Have its perks. Say kemosabe, what’s with the necklace?

Andy Samberg: This old thing?

[ A CLOSE-UP on a half-necklace. ]

Andy Samberg (V/O): [speaking fast] My no-good father gave it to me before he left me and my mom.

Andy Samberg: Years ago.

[ A ring tone. ]

Nitro: Y’llo.

[Nitro “types” on his futuristic communicator, a large, weight belt strapped diagonally around his chest, reading NITRO. Various words come across the screen. Nitro grabs each one to form a sentence. ]

Nitro: Cyborg. Gone haywire. Earth in trouble.

Andy Samberg: Sounds like a cat-astrophe.

[ Both “charge” their laser cats. ] [ INT. 30 ROCK – 17TH FLOOR. ] [ Andy and Nitro come to a pad locked door. ]

Andy Samberg: It’s locked.

Nitro: Out of the way, partner. Switching to cold mode.

[ Nitro swivels the head of his laser cat counterclockwise. It blasts out cold air. The pad lock falls off. ]

Andy Samberg: Whoa!

Nitro: Now that’s one cool cat!

[ Nitro holds the laser cat to his mouth and blows the barrel. ] [ INT. WRITERS OFFICE ] [ A plush cat on top of a Roomba circles the room. Andy and Nitro enter. The cameraman catches his reflection in a mirror at the last minute and moves. ]

Andy Samberg: Cyber Face should be just ahead.

[ Nitro looks at his watch. ]

Nitro: This can’t be right. According to this, Cyber Face is in this room.

[ A writer types at his desk. The camera focuses on the couch. A poor quick edit shows Cyber Face emerging from the couch. ]

Andy Samberg: Whoa! Where did he come from?

Cyber Face: Welcome to the Terror Dome.

[ Cyber Face and the boys engage in a laser duel. ] [ INT. LORNE’S OFFICE – NIGHT ] [ Lorne views the tape glum and insulted. Andy, Bill, and Steve laugh it up. ] [ BACK TO VIDEO ]

Cyber Face: Playtime is over.

[ Cyber Face fires one shot at Nitro’s knee, then one shot at Andy’s knee. Both are on the floor. ]

Andy Samberg: Looks like we’re done, kemosabe.

[ POV: CYBER FACE’S NIGHT VISION FLASHES “LOVE” AND “KILL” ] [ A staffer strolls in, realizes he’s in the shot, and exits. ]

Cyber Face: Deactivating. (deeper voice) Son?

Andy Samberg: Dad?

[ A SWAT team barges in. ]

SWAT Commander: There he is! Take him down!

[ The SWAT team fires lasers repeatedly at Cyber Face. Andy extends his hand. ]

Andy Samberg: No-o-o-o-o!!

[ Lasers continue to hit Cyber Face. ]

Andy Samberg: No!! Stop!!! You’re killing him!!

[ Andy cries. Cyber Face collapses to the floor. ]

Andy Samberg: No.

[ Andy removes Cyber Face’s visor. Steve’s wearing Cyber Face’s gear. ]

Steve Martin: I’m sorry I left you, son.

Andy Samberg: Hey Dad, don’t die.

Steve Martin: Nitro, take this and give it to your brother.

[ Cyber Face hands Nitro a half-necklace. He taps his right cheek. ] [ POV: SELF DESTRUCT COUNTDOWN. 10-9-8… ]

Female (V/O): Self-destruct sequence.

Nitro: But I don’t have a brother.

[ Nitro holds his half to Andy’s half to make a full necklace. The medallion reads BROS FOUREVA. ]

Both: Whoa!!

Steve Martin: Good night, sweet princes.

[ POV: SELF DESTRUCT COUNTDOWN 2-1… ] [ Blood splatters all over the boys’ faces. ] [ SUPER: THE END ] [ INT. LORNE’S OFFICE – NIGHT ] [ Lorne turns to Steve and the guys. ]

Andy Samberg: Right!?

Bill Hader: Pretty mind-blowing?

Steve Martin: Did you get that it’s “King Lear”?

Lorne Michaels: Get out.

[ All three exit but then Steve turns back. ]

Steve Martin: Ha! I thought you meant me, too.

Lorne Michaels: I did.

[ Steve’s shocked and catches his composure. He then departs. ]


Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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