Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 34: Episode 15
Bad Guys, Good Conversation
Johnny Lawrence….Bradley Cooper
Hans Gruber….Andy Samberg
Alex Forest….Michaela Watkins
Jamie Gumb….Bill Hader
John Kreese….Jason Sudeikis
(Opens with rock music. A panel show, host and 3 guests)
Caption: Bad Guys, Good Conversation
(Karate Kid´s bad guy Johnny Lawrence is wearing a black headband and red leather jacket with the Cobra-Kai logo)
Johnny Lawrence: Hey, how´s it goin´? Welcome to Bad Guys, Good Conversation. The show that proves that obscure movie bad guys also have interesting things to say. I´m your host Johnny Lawrence from “Karate Kid”. (photo of the famous beach confrontation with Daniel Larusso) And joining me on the panel today are some of my favorite bad guys. From “Die Hard” criminal mastermind Hans Gruber.
(Photo of Hans holding a gun up to John McLane wife´s head)
Hans Gruber: (sullen smirk, European affected accent) Its a pleasure to be here.
Johnny Lawrence: She´s the crazy lady from “Fatal Attraction”. Please welcome, the lovely Alex Forest.
(poster from “Fatal Attraction” with Michael Douglas)
Alex Forest: Lovely. You´re too kind, Johnny. (lusty flick of the tongue)
(photo of famous basement dance from Silence of the Lambs)
Johnny Lawrence: And from “Silence of the Lambs”, some call him Buffalo Bill, I call him Jamie Gumb.
Jamie Gumb:(deep voice) Its always nice to be out of the house.
Johnny Lawrence: Ok, lets begin…
John Kreese: START THE SHOW!!!
Johnny Lawrence: What?
(Cobra-Kai´s sensei John Kreese is the show´s director, stands next to a camera)
John Kreese: I SAID, START THE SHOW!! DO YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THAT, MR. LAWRENCE???!!!
Johnny Lawrence: (bows) No sensei!
John Kreese: GOOD!
Johnny Lawrence: Ok, lets get the conversation started. Here´s a question that I think we bad guys get a lot. Why are you bad? Lets start with Hans Gruber.
Alex Forest: Johnny, don´t you think you should start with me?
Johnny Lawrence: No, we´re going in order, Alex.
Alex Forest: (angry) I´m not gonna be ignored, Johnny!
Johnny Lawrence: No one, no one–no one is ignoring you. Jeez…so Hans, why are you bad?
Hans Gruber: Well, my name is Hans Gruber. And….I…sound…like…this. So…my options…were…limited.
Johnny Lawrence: Alex, why are you bad?
Alex Forest: I´m bad for love, Johnny. Do you wanna be bad with me? Please, say yes. (lusty looks, licks and smacks her lips)
Johnny Lawrence: Ok, you need to go way back, Alex. Ok? Jamie, why are you bad?
Jamie Gumb: Ummm, I´m a crazy person? Hahaha…
Johnny Lawrence: And I would say that I don´t consider myself bad. I´m just a prick. Mercy is for the weak.(looks for approval from his sensei, looks like he has it) All right. Ok, moving on. Valentine´s Day is just around the corner. What do you guys look for in your significant others? Hans?
Hans Gruber: The opposite of….McLane. Officer….John McLane.
Johnny Lawrence: Alex?
Alex Forest: I´m looking for a strapping young man, athletic, floppy blond hair, preferably a red jacket…
Johnny Lawrence: Fantastic. Jamie?
Jamie Gumb: If I had to choose, I´m looking for a great, big, fat person.
Alex Forest: (to Jamie) I like you. You´re interesting.
Jamie Gumb: Trust me. I´m the all time wrongest tree to bark up.(giggles)
Alex Forest: Ouch, me likey, me likey.
Johnny Lawrence: Seriously, Alex. Don´t. Oh, this is always an interesting question. Um, what´s the worst thing you´ve ever done? Hans?
Hans Gruber: I failed to kill…John McLane.
Alex Forest: I was unkind to a rabbit.
Jamie Gumb: Worst thing? One time I murdered a woman and cut off her flesh for the purposes of sewing it into a skin suit that I could wear over my own skin instead of getting a sex change operation…hahahaha!
(All the bad guys are stunned)
Johnny Lawrence: Wow, I was going to say that I once cheated in a karate tournament but it seems kind of lame now. Well, that´s all the time we have—
John Kreese: FINISH IT!!!
Johnny Lawrence: I´m trying to finish—
John Kreese: FINISH IT!!!
Johnny Lawrence: Jeez, all right. That´s all the time we have on Bad Guys, Good Conversation. Join me next week when my guests will be Biff form “Back to the Future” and the lady from “Misery”.
(Bad Guys, Good Conversation logo)
(cheers and applause)
Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel