SNL Transcripts: Bradley Cooper: 02/07/09: No Bruce! Let Me Finish! The Best Of Celebrity Tirades


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 34: Episode 15

08o: Bradley Cooper / TV On The Radio

No Bruce! Let Me Finish! The Best Of Celebrity Tirades

Christian Bale…..Bradley Cooper
Stagehand…..Will Forte
George Foreman…..Kenan Thompson
Joan Cusack…..Abby Elliott
Jim Cramer…..Darrell Hammond
Nathan Lane…..Bobby Moynihan

[ open on Youtube screenshot of “Christian Bale Tirade” ]

Christian Bale V/O: Nooo!! Noooo!! Noooo!! Are you not a professional?! Do I f—in’ walk around and rip your f—in’ lights down in the middle of a scene?! No, Bruce! Let me finish!!

[ dissolve to Christian Bale standing on a film set, nodding away his shame ]

Christian Bale: Ha, ha, ha. Wasn’t that funny? Hi, I’m Christian Bale, and, uh — yes, that was me a few months ago on the set of a movie. I’ve apologized, uh, but it doesn’t seem to matter to the millions of you so entertained by it. But, you know, every celebrity has a few moments on the set, uhhh — [ he glances at his side, as a Stagehand hesitantly appears ]

Stagehand: Sorry about that.

[ he quickly scoots away before Bale’s temper can flare ]

Christian Bale: [ breathing steadily ] Don’t worry. I’ve got it under control, it’s fine, you see. [ he chuckles nervously, then exhales deeply while clenching his hands tightly together ] And to PROVE it to you, that outbursts like mine are perfectly normal, I’ve, uh, compiled this DVD>

[ show DVD case ]

Announcer: “No Bruce! Let Me Finish! The Best of Celebrity Tirades.”

[ cut back to Bale ]

Christian Bale: EVERY celebrity, no matter how beloved, has LOST CONTROL once or twice on the set, uh — even the loveable George Foreman.

[ cut to Foreman, standing before his George Foreman Grill in his kitchen set ]

George Foreman: And the WONDERFUL thing about the Foreman Grill… is it’s SO easy!

[ he leans his hand across the top of the grill, and is promptly burned ]

George Foreman: OWWWW!!!! It wasn’t supposed to be plugged in!! Son of a BEE STING!! Who did this?! My sons George, George, George, and George are gonna have your nuts on a PLATE!!! No, no, no, Bruce!! Let me finish!!

[ cut back to Bale ]

Christian Bale: See? Nnoe of us are perfect. Not even a mild-mannered star like, uh, Joan Cusack.

[ cut to Cusack standing before a suburban kitchen set ]

Joan Cusack: I’m Joan Freakin’ Cusack! What part of that don’t you understand?! [ she points both hands to herself ] I’m… a professional! You-ou-ou… are a boob! [ looks offscreen ] No, Bruce! Let me finish!

[ cut back to Bale ]

Christian Bale: See? It happens to everyone. This DVD has them all Like, um — “Mad Money”‘s Jim Cramer.

[ cut to Cramer standing on his set ]

Jim Cramer: [ with a fluctuating pitch that is more enthusiastic than angry ] Jim Cramer! Other people want to make friends! I just want to make you money! Economy’s going down the tubes. BOTTOM LINE!! Everything’s gonna be fine. We’ll all get through this. No, Bruce… let me finish.

[ cut back to Bale, as the Stagehand cowers in the background behind him ]

Christian Bale: [ outraged ] THAT was the ANGRIEST clip you could GET??!! RE-E-EALLY??!! And — [ turns and notices the cowering Stagehand ] And what’s with THIS guy?!! If he’s still here when I get back, I will BURY YOU!!! I will BU — [ catches himself ] Ahhhhh-ahhhh! Ha ha! [ smiles ] That’s a bit of fun there! [ he chuckles nervously and gives the Stagehand a thumbs-up ]

Stagehand: Sorry.

[ Stagehand shirks away ]

Christian Bale: You see? The thing that people don’t understand is that acting is a craft. To make art… the artist must focus like a laser. Observe the work of Nathan Lane.

[ cut to Lane standing on a stage set ]

Nathan Lane: [ singing ] “Some-thing fa-mil-iar! Some-thing pe-cul-iar! Some-thing for everyone –” NO, BRUCE!!! LET ME FINISH!!!

[ cut back to Bale, holding the DVD ]

Christian Bale: So order now, only for $19.95. All proceeds go to charity — the charity of my legal defense fund. [ he stares at his picture on the DVD case ] Is this the best picture you could find? HUH??!! No, where’s the one from “Newsies”? Hey, real — amateurs! Amateurs!

[ cut to product slide ]

Announcer: “No Bruce! Let Me Finish!” For only $19.95. Buy it today!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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