SNL Transcripts: Bradley Cooper: 02/07/09: No Bruce! Let Me Finish! The Best Of Celebrity Tirades

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 34: Episode 15

08o: Bradley Cooper / TV On The Radio

No Bruce! Let Me Finish! The Best Of Celebrity Tirades

Christian Bale…..Bradley Cooper
Stagehand…..Will Forte
George Foreman…..Kenan Thompson
Joan Cusack…..Abby Elliott
Jim Cramer…..Darrell Hammond
Nathan Lane…..Bobby Moynihan

[ open on Youtube screenshot of “Christian Bale Tirade” ]

Christian Bale V/O: Nooo!! Noooo!! Noooo!! Are you not a professional?! Do I f—in’ walk around and rip your f—in’ lights down in the middle of a scene?! No, Bruce! Let me finish!!

[ dissolve to Christian Bale standing on a film set, nodding away his shame ]

Christian Bale: Ha, ha, ha. Wasn’t that funny? Hi, I’m Christian Bale, and, uh — yes, that was me a few months ago on the set of a movie. I’ve apologized, uh, but it doesn’t seem to matter to the millions of you so entertained by it. But, you know, every celebrity has a few moments on the set, uhhh — [ he glances at his side, as a Stagehand hesitantly appears ]

Stagehand: Sorry about that.

[ he quickly scoots away before Bale’s temper can flare ]

Christian Bale: [ breathing steadily ] Don’t worry. I’ve got it under control, it’s fine, you see. [ he chuckles nervously, then exhales deeply while clenching his hands tightly together ] And to PROVE it to you, that outbursts like mine are perfectly normal, I’ve, uh, compiled this DVD>

[ show DVD case ]

Announcer: “No Bruce! Let Me Finish! The Best of Celebrity Tirades.”

[ cut back to Bale ]

Christian Bale: EVERY celebrity, no matter how beloved, has LOST CONTROL once or twice on the set, uh — even the loveable George Foreman.

[ cut to Foreman, standing before his George Foreman Grill in his kitchen set ]

George Foreman: And the WONDERFUL thing about the Foreman Grill… is it’s SO easy!

[ he leans his hand across the top of the grill, and is promptly burned ]

George Foreman: OWWWW!!!! It wasn’t supposed to be plugged in!! Son of a BEE STING!! Who did this?! My sons George, George, George, and George are gonna have your nuts on a PLATE!!! No, no, no, Bruce!! Let me finish!!

[ cut back to Bale ]

Christian Bale: See? Nnoe of us are perfect. Not even a mild-mannered star like, uh, Joan Cusack.

[ cut to Cusack standing before a suburban kitchen set ]

Joan Cusack: I’m Joan Freakin’ Cusack! What part of that don’t you understand?! [ she points both hands to herself ] I’m… a professional! You-ou-ou… are a boob! [ looks offscreen ] No, Bruce! Let me finish!

[ cut back to Bale ]

Christian Bale: See? It happens to everyone. This DVD has them all Like, um — “Mad Money”‘s Jim Cramer.

[ cut to Cramer standing on his set ]

Jim Cramer: [ with a fluctuating pitch that is more enthusiastic than angry ] Jim Cramer! Other people want to make friends! I just want to make you money! Economy’s going down the tubes. BOTTOM LINE!! Everything’s gonna be fine. We’ll all get through this. No, Bruce… let me finish.

[ cut back to Bale, as the Stagehand cowers in the background behind him ]

Christian Bale: [ outraged ] THAT was the ANGRIEST clip you could GET??!! RE-E-EALLY??!! And — [ turns and notices the cowering Stagehand ] And what’s with THIS guy?!! If he’s still here when I get back, I will BURY YOU!!! I will BU — [ catches himself ] Ahhhhh-ahhhh! Ha ha! [ smiles ] That’s a bit of fun there! [ he chuckles nervously and gives the Stagehand a thumbs-up ]

Stagehand: Sorry.

[ Stagehand shirks away ]

Christian Bale: You see? The thing that people don’t understand is that acting is a craft. To make art… the artist must focus like a laser. Observe the work of Nathan Lane.

[ cut to Lane standing on a stage set ]

Nathan Lane: [ singing ] “Some-thing fa-mil-iar! Some-thing pe-cul-iar! Some-thing for everyone –” NO, BRUCE!!! LET ME FINISH!!!

[ cut back to Bale, holding the DVD ]

Christian Bale: So order now, only for $19.95. All proceeds go to charity — the charity of my legal defense fund. [ he stares at his picture on the DVD case ] Is this the best picture you could find? HUH??!! No, where’s the one from “Newsies”? Hey, real — amateurs! Amateurs!

[ cut to product slide ]

Announcer: “No Bruce! Let Me Finish!” For only $19.95. Buy it today!

[ fade ]

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