Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 34: Episode 15
08o: Bradley Cooper / TV On The Radio
Song Memories
Jason…..Jason Sudeikis
Will…..Will Forte
Bradley…..Bradley Cooper
Bill…..Bill Hader
[ open on four buddies, dressed for the occasion as they stand in a reception area ]
Jason: Your whiskey refill, sir.
Will: Alright!
Jason: I can’t make it through these things without this stuff.
Bradley: I asked the guy to play Jonathon’s favorite song.
Bill: Alright! That’s a great song!
Will: Excellent idea!
Bill: Hey, hey — to our friend Jonathon, on his BIG day!
[ they all toast Jonathon by clinking their glasses ]
Bradley: We lost antoher one, huh, guys?
Will: It’s a damn shame!
[ the music starts to play ]
Jason: Oh! GREAT song!
Will: Very nice!
Jason: Oh, man, I’ve gotta download this when I get home! Oh, speaking of downloading — did I tell you my girlfriend caught me masturbating to internet porn? [ the guys react with Nos ] Yeah, so I’m sitting their with my laptop — I’m going at it like I do — she sneaks up behind me and yelled, “What are you doing?!”
Bradley: Oh, boy, that’s embarrassing.
Jason: Yeah, and not only that — I got kicked out of the Starbuck’s.
All: [ singing ]
“I’m the one who wants to be with you!
Deep inside, I hope you feel it, too!
Waited on a line of greens and blues
Just to be the next to be with you.”
Bill: You know what this song reminds me of? My dad. Last week, he dropped a bombshell — he told us that my kid sister of twenty-five years… was adopted.
Jason: Wow!
Bill: Yeah, he said he waited so long because he didn’t want us to treat her weird, and I guess I understand that.
Will: Man, how — how do you feel?
Bill: Are you kidding? I was thrilled! Now we can stop sneaking around and get married!
All: [ singing ]
“I’m the one who wants to be with you!
Deep inside, I hope you feel it, too!
Waited on a line of greens and blues
Just to be the next to be with you.”
Will: Hey. You guys remember when I got my penis stuck in th jacuzzi jet at the Holiday Inn in Bristol, Tennessee?
All: Yeah!
Will: You remember how they had to call the Fire Department to, uh, pry me out with a special tool? Adn how it kind of messed up my pipes down there for good?
All: Oh… yeah…
Will: And remember how I did it again?
Bradley: Fourth of July?
Will: Well, I’ve been thinking a lot about it, and… I kinda want to do it again!
All: [ singing ]
“I’m the one who wants to be with you!
Deep inside, I hope you feel it, too!
Waited on a line of greens and blues
Just to be the next to be with you.”
Jason: [ to Bradley ] Hey, how’s the online dating going?
Bradley: Good, but, you know, it can be a little weird. ‘Cause everybody exaggerates, you know? Like, I went to hook up last week at this hotel, and so I check in, there’s a knock at the door, and it’s like this firty-year old black guy.
All: Oh! Ohhhh…
Bradley: And, like, he’s pissed, and he starts yelling at me: “You’re not a bodybuilder, you’re a liar!” And I’m like, “I’m a liar? What about you? You’re not a twelve-year old boy.”
All: [ singing ]
“I’m the one who wants to be with you!
Deep inside, I hope you feel it, too!
Waited on a line of greens and blues
Just to be the next to be with you.”
Jason: Yes! To good memories and great music!
[ they all clink their glasses again ]
Jason: Hey, and especially to our old pal Jonathon.
Will: That guy’s life is over!
Bradley: You guys ready to do this?
Jason: Yeah.
[ bagpipe music begins to play, as the four buddies step around their “table” to reveal that it’s actually a coffin, and they lift it ]
Jason: Man, Jonathon’s heavy, huh?
[ they all lose their balance from the weight and drop the coffin at a precarious angle, as the screen freezes ]
[ THE END ]
