SNL Transcripts: Bradley Cooper: 02/07/09: Song Memories



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 15




08o: Bradley Cooper / TV On The Radio

Song Memories

Jason…..Jason Sudeikis
Will…..Will Forte
Bradley…..Bradley Cooper
Bill…..Bill Hader

[ open on four buddies, dressed for the occasion as they stand in a reception area ]

Jason: Your whiskey refill, sir.

Will: Alright!

Jason: I can’t make it through these things without this stuff.

Bradley: I asked the guy to play Jonathon’s favorite song.

Bill: Alright! That’s a great song!

Will: Excellent idea!

Bill: Hey, hey — to our friend Jonathon, on his BIG day!

[ they all toast Jonathon by clinking their glasses ]

Bradley: We lost antoher one, huh, guys?

Will: It’s a damn shame!

[ the music starts to play ]

Jason: Oh! GREAT song!

Will: Very nice!

Jason: Oh, man, I’ve gotta download this when I get home! Oh, speaking of downloading — did I tell you my girlfriend caught me masturbating to internet porn? [ the guys react with Nos ] Yeah, so I’m sitting their with my laptop — I’m going at it like I do — she sneaks up behind me and yelled, “What are you doing?!”

Bradley: Oh, boy, that’s embarrassing.

Jason: Yeah, and not only that — I got kicked out of the Starbuck’s.

All: [ singing ]“I’m the one who wants to be with you!
Deep inside, I hope you feel it, too!
Waited on a line of greens and blues
Just to be the next to be with you.”

Bill: You know what this song reminds me of? My dad. Last week, he dropped a bombshell — he told us that my kid sister of twenty-five years… was adopted.

Jason: Wow!

Bill: Yeah, he said he waited so long because he didn’t want us to treat her weird, and I guess I understand that.

Will: Man, how — how do you feel?

Bill: Are you kidding? I was thrilled! Now we can stop sneaking around and get married!

All: [ singing ]“I’m the one who wants to be with you!
Deep inside, I hope you feel it, too!
Waited on a line of greens and blues
Just to be the next to be with you.”

Will: Hey. You guys remember when I got my penis stuck in th jacuzzi jet at the Holiday Inn in Bristol, Tennessee?

All: Yeah!

Will: You remember how they had to call the Fire Department to, uh, pry me out with a special tool? Adn how it kind of messed up my pipes down there for good?

All: Oh… yeah…

Will: And remember how I did it again?

Bradley: Fourth of July?

Will: Well, I’ve been thinking a lot about it, and… I kinda want to do it again!

All: [ singing ]“I’m the one who wants to be with you!
Deep inside, I hope you feel it, too!
Waited on a line of greens and blues
Just to be the next to be with you.”

Jason: [ to Bradley ] Hey, how’s the online dating going?

Bradley: Good, but, you know, it can be a little weird. ‘Cause everybody exaggerates, you know? Like, I went to hook up last week at this hotel, and so I check in, there’s a knock at the door, and it’s like this firty-year old black guy.

All: Oh! Ohhhh…

Bradley: And, like, he’s pissed, and he starts yelling at me: “You’re not a bodybuilder, you’re a liar!” And I’m like, “I’m a liar? What about you? You’re not a twelve-year old boy.”

All: [ singing ]“I’m the one who wants to be with you!
Deep inside, I hope you feel it, too!
Waited on a line of greens and blues
Just to be the next to be with you.”

Jason: Yes! To good memories and great music!

[ they all clink their glasses again ]

Jason: Hey, and especially to our old pal Jonathon.

Will: That guy’s life is over!

Bradley: You guys ready to do this?

Jason: Yeah.

[ bagpipe music begins to play, as the four buddies step around their “table” to reveal that it’s actually a coffin, and they lift it ]

Jason: Man, Jonathon’s heavy, huh?

[ they all lose their balance from the weight and drop the coffin at a precarious angle, as the screen freezes ] [ THE END ]

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

avatar
  Subscribe  
Notify of