SNL Transcripts: Bradley Cooper: 02/07/09: I’m Gonna Have Sex With Your wife


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 34: Episode 15

08o: Bradley Cooper / TV On The Radio

I’m Gonna Have Sex With Your wife

Danny Lane…..Bradley Cooper
Ron Stillwell…..Will Forte
Michael Vodner…..Fred Armisen
Tommy McCafferty…..Bill Hader
Mrs. Stillwell…..Michaela Watkins
Mrs. Vodner…..Casey Wilson
Mrs. McCafferty…..Kristen Wiig

[ open on game show set ]

Announcer: And now it’s time for: “I’m Gonna Have Sex With Your wife”! And here’s your host — Danny Lane!

[ Danny Lane runs onto the set ]

Danny Lane: Hello! Hello, everybody! I’m Danny Lane, and welcome to another episode of “I’m Gonna Have Sex With your Wife”! Our contestants today are Ron Stillwell, from Cedar Rapids, Michigan!

Ron Stillwell: [ excited ] Hey-ohhhhh!!

Danny Lane: Michael Vodner, from Columbia, South Carolina!

Michael Vodner: [ excited ] Yo, baby!

Danny Lane: And our returning champion, from clearwater, Florida — Tommy McCafferty!

[ Tommy is clearly the least-enthused contestant on the game show ]

It’s great to have you all on the program! [ he approaches the men at their podiums ] Now, Ron… it says here, you run a PR firm in Cedar Rapids.

Ron Stillwell: I sure do!

Danny Lane: Terrific! And, uh — I understand you brought your wife with you today.

Ron Stillwell: I sure did! [ he waves ] Hi, honey!

[ Mrs. Stillwell waves from the audience ]

Danny Lane: Alright, that’s great! That’s great. Now, Ron… I’m gonna have sex with your wife.

Ron Stillwell: [ laughing ] I’d like to see you try!

[ Mrs. Stillwell runs up from the audience and disappears backstage with Danny ] [ Ron holds his composure for a few moments, before starting to worry ] [ finally, Danny and a disheveled Mrs. Stillwell return from backstage and part ways ]

Danny Lane: Alright! Let’s put 50 points on the board for Ron!

Ron Stillwell: [ troubled ] Catherine?

Mrs. Stillwell: 50 points! Go, Ron!

Ron Stillwell: [ disappointed ] Oh, Catherine…

Danny Lane: Now… Michael. It says here — oh! You’re a huge Voltron fan!

[ stares at Danny without saying a word ]

Danny Lane: And, uh — I understand you brought your wife with you today?

[ Mrs. Vodner gives a whoop-whoop from the audience ]

Danny Lane: That’s great! That’s great! That’s great. Now, Michael — I’m gonna have sex with your wife.

Michael Vodner: [ grabbing at Danny ] Don’t, man — come on —

[ Mrs. Vodner runs up from the audience and disappears backstage with Danny ] [ Michael stares dumbstruck at the camera for many moments before finally shutting his eyes in defeat ] [ finally, Danny and a disheveled Mrs. Vodner return from backstage and part ways ]

Danny Lane: Thanks for being such a great sport! Alright! Don’t call it a comeback! Michael’s on the board with 100 points!

Mrs. Vodner: Honey! You’re winning!

Michael Vodner: [ outraged ] Who’s winning here? Who’s winning?!

Danny Lane: [ chuckling ] Terrific! Now we move on to our returning champion — Tommy McCafferty!!

[ Tommy shifts his eyes into an evil stare ]

Danny Lane: Tell me, Tom — how’s your wife?

Tommy McCafferty: Uh, we’re actually separated.

Danny Lane: ooh! That’s a tough one. What happened?

Tommy McCafferty: Uhhhh, well — uhhh, we came on the show last week, and you had SEX with her.

Danny Lane: Terrific. Uh, now, Tom — I’ve got a bit of a surprise for you. What if I told you that your wife was here, in the studio, at this very moment?

Tommy McCafferty: [ panicking ] Oh, God… no!


[ Mrs. McCafferty runs up from the side of the set and disappears backstage with Danny ] [ dumbstruck ] Why did I come back here?

[ Michael steps over to comfort Tom ]

Tommy McCafferty: [ waving him off ] I don’t need it! I don’t need it! I’m fine! Just leave me alone!

[ finally, Danny and a disheveled Mrs. McCafferty return from backstage and part ways ]

Danny Lane: Whoa-oa! Alright, Tom, uh — alright, I know your wife and you were having some trouble, but, uh, I gotta be honest — she did you a real solid back there! Which means, once again, YOU are our big winner!!

Mrs. McCafferty: YAAAYYYY!!

[ Tommy mimicks her enthusiasm ]

Danny Lane: Terrific! Oh, Bob and Michael, thank you so much for playing. And, uh, the good news is you get to receive an “I’m Gonna Have Sex With Your Wife” home game! [ he hands each of them a business card ]

Ron Stillwell: It’s just a phone number!

Danny Lane: Yeah. It’s mine. Just give it to your wives, they’ll know what to do. [ to the camera ] And, remember, america: you’d better watch your back, or i’m gonna have… [ with the audience” SEX WITH YOUR WIFE!!!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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