Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 34: Episode 15
I’m Gonna Have Sex With Your wife
Danny Lane…..Bradley Cooper
Ron Stillwell…..Will Forte
Michael Vodner…..Fred Armisen
Tommy McCafferty…..Bill Hader
Mrs. Stillwell…..Michaela Watkins
Mrs. Vodner…..Casey Wilson
Mrs. McCafferty…..Kristen Wiig
[ open on game show set ]
Announcer: And now it’s time for: “I’m Gonna Have Sex With Your wife”! And here’s your host — Danny Lane!
[ Danny Lane runs onto the set ]
Danny Lane: Hello! Hello, everybody! I’m Danny Lane, and welcome to another episode of “I’m Gonna Have Sex With your Wife”! Our contestants today are Ron Stillwell, from Cedar Rapids, Michigan!
Ron Stillwell: [ excited ] Hey-ohhhhh!!
Danny Lane: Michael Vodner, from Columbia, South Carolina!
Michael Vodner: [ excited ] Yo, baby!
Danny Lane: And our returning champion, from clearwater, Florida — Tommy McCafferty!
[ Tommy is clearly the least-enthused contestant on the game show ]
It’s great to have you all on the program! [ he approaches the men at their podiums ] Now, Ron… it says here, you run a PR firm in Cedar Rapids.
Ron Stillwell: I sure do!
Danny Lane: Terrific! And, uh — I understand you brought your wife with you today.
Ron Stillwell: I sure did! [ he waves ] Hi, honey!
[ Mrs. Stillwell waves from the audience ]
Danny Lane: Alright, that’s great! That’s great. Now, Ron… I’m gonna have sex with your wife.
Ron Stillwell: [ laughing ] I’d like to see you try!
[ Mrs. Stillwell runs up from the audience and disappears backstage with Danny ]
[ Ron holds his composure for a few moments, before starting to worry ]
[ finally, Danny and a disheveled Mrs. Stillwell return from backstage and part ways ]
Danny Lane: Alright! Let’s put 50 points on the board for Ron!
Ron Stillwell: [ troubled ] Catherine?
Mrs. Stillwell: 50 points! Go, Ron!
Ron Stillwell: [ disappointed ] Oh, Catherine…
Danny Lane: Now… Michael. It says here — oh! You’re a huge Voltron fan!
[ stares at Danny without saying a word ]
Danny Lane: And, uh — I understand you brought your wife with you today?
[ Mrs. Vodner gives a whoop-whoop from the audience ]
Danny Lane: That’s great! That’s great! That’s great. Now, Michael — I’m gonna have sex with your wife.
Michael Vodner: [ grabbing at Danny ] Don’t, man — come on —
[ Mrs. Vodner runs up from the audience and disappears backstage with Danny ]
[ Michael stares dumbstruck at the camera for many moments before finally shutting his eyes in defeat ]
[ finally, Danny and a disheveled Mrs. Vodner return from backstage and part ways ]
Danny Lane: Thanks for being such a great sport! Alright! Don’t call it a comeback! Michael’s on the board with 100 points!
Mrs. Vodner: Honey! You’re winning!
Michael Vodner: [ outraged ] Who’s winning here? Who’s winning?!
Danny Lane: [ chuckling ] Terrific! Now we move on to our returning champion — Tommy McCafferty!!
[ Tommy shifts his eyes into an evil stare ]
Danny Lane: Tell me, Tom — how’s your wife?
Tommy McCafferty: Uh, we’re actually separated.
Danny Lane: ooh! That’s a tough one. What happened?
Tommy McCafferty: Uhhhh, well — uhhh, we came on the show last week, and you had SEX with her.
Danny Lane: Terrific. Uh, now, Tom — I’ve got a bit of a surprise for you. What if I told you that your wife was here, in the studio, at this very moment?
Tommy McCafferty: [ panicking ] Oh, God… no!
Danny Lane: JENNIFER!! COME ON OUT!!
[ Mrs. McCafferty runs up from the side of the set and disappears backstage with Danny ]
[ dumbstruck ] Why did I come back here?
[ Michael steps over to comfort Tom ]
Tommy McCafferty: [ waving him off ] I don’t need it! I don’t need it! I’m fine! Just leave me alone!
[ finally, Danny and a disheveled Mrs. McCafferty return from backstage and part ways ]
Danny Lane: Whoa-oa! Alright, Tom, uh — alright, I know your wife and you were having some trouble, but, uh, I gotta be honest — she did you a real solid back there! Which means, once again, YOU are our big winner!!
Mrs. McCafferty: YAAAYYYY!!
[ Tommy mimicks her enthusiasm ]
Danny Lane: Terrific! Oh, Bob and Michael, thank you so much for playing. And, uh, the good news is you get to receive an “I’m Gonna Have Sex With Your Wife” home game! [ he hands each of them a business card ]
Ron Stillwell: It’s just a phone number!
Danny Lane: Yeah. It’s mine. Just give it to your wives, they’ll know what to do. [ to the camera ] And, remember, america: you’d better watch your back, or i’m gonna have… [ with the audience” SEX WITH YOUR WIFE!!!
[ fade ]