SNL Transcripts: Alec Baldwin: 02/14/09: Alec Baldwin’s Acting Techniques for Actors


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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 34: Episode 16

08p: Alec Baldwin / Jonas Brothers

Alec Baldwin’s Acting Techniques for Actors

…..Alec Baldwin
Boy…..Andy Samberg
Mr. Grimes…..Kenan Thompson
Man…..Jason Sudeikis
Woman…..Kristen Wiig
Father…..Fred Armisen
Son…..Will Forte
Businessman…..Bill Hader

Alec Baldwin: Hi. I’m award-winning actor Alec Baldwin. If you’re like me, you know there’s nothing more moving in a film than seeing a character cough once, very subtly, to let you know that later on in that movie… they’re going to die. As an actor, I can tell you that playing these scenes isn’t as easy as it looks. That’s why Volume 72 of my DVD series, “Alec Baldwin’s Acting Techniques for Actors” is:

[ he holds up the box, which cuts to a separate product shot ]

Alec Baldwin V/O: “First Coughs: Mastering the Art of Foreshadowing Your Character’s Death”.

[ cut back to Baldwin ]

Alec Baldwin: You’ll learn such techniques as: “I’m not even going to acknowledge it.”

[ dissolve to movie scene: two men in a workshop ]

Mr. Grimes: And that, my friend, is how you put a ship inside a bottle.

Boy: Wow, Mr. Grimes. That is kicking!

Mr. Grimes: Nothing to it at all, son. Now go get washed up and, when you come back, I’ll play you some real music.It’s called jazz. [ he coughs quietly into his hand ]

Boy: Mr. Grimes?

Mr. Grimes: Hurry up, now! I don’t have all day!

[ dissolve back to Baldwin ]

Alec Baldwin: And the audience’s favorite: “It’s nothing, it’s just a cold.”

[ dissolve to movie scene: Fall proposal ]

Man: Will you marry me?

Woman: [ excited ] Oh, Brice! I don’t know what to say!

Man: Say yes.

Woman: Yes! [ she coughs into her hand ]

Man: You okay?

Woman: It’s nothing. It’s just a cold. [ quickly ] Beat you down to the lake!

Man: Okay!

[ they run off ] [ dissolve back to Baldwin ]

Alec Baldwin: And, of course, the classic: “I don’t need any damn doctors.”

[ dissolve to movie scene: father and son ]

Son: You don’t even want to meet your own grandson?

Father: I just want to be left alone! [ he coughs into his hand ]

Son: You should get that checked out.

Father: I don’t need any damn doctors!

[ dissolve back to Baldwin ]

Alec Baldwin: Spoiler alert: He needs a damn doctor. Once you master those techniques, you can move on to more advanced coughs like the technically demanding, “Cough into a handkerchief, notice that there’s blood on it, look around nervously, then quickly shove it back in your pocket and hurry on your way.”

[ dissolve to movie scene: businessman in office ] [ Businessman coughs into a handkerchief, then performs Baldwin’s proven technique ] [ dissolve back to Baldwin ]

Alec Baldwin: So what are you waiting for? Take your acting career to the next level with “First coughs.”

[ Baldwin coughs, as the product appears on screen with a $0 price tag ]

Alec Baldwin V/O: It’s nothing. It’s just a cold. Order now.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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