Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 34: Episode 16
08p: Alec Baldwin / Jonas Brothers
Alec Baldwin’s Acting Techniques for Actors
…..Alec Baldwin
Boy…..Andy Samberg
Mr. Grimes…..Kenan Thompson
Man…..Jason Sudeikis
Woman…..Kristen Wiig
Father…..Fred Armisen
Son…..Will Forte
Businessman…..Bill Hader
Alec Baldwin: Hi. I’m award-winning actor Alec Baldwin. If you’re like me, you know there’s nothing more moving in a film than seeing a character cough once, very subtly, to let you know that later on in that movie… they’re going to die. As an actor, I can tell you that playing these scenes isn’t as easy as it looks. That’s why Volume 72 of my DVD series, “Alec Baldwin’s Acting Techniques for Actors” is:
[ he holds up the box, which cuts to a separate product shot ]
Alec Baldwin V/O: “First Coughs: Mastering the Art of Foreshadowing Your Character’s Death”.
[ cut back to Baldwin ]
Alec Baldwin: You’ll learn such techniques as: “I’m not even going to acknowledge it.”
[ dissolve to movie scene: two men in a workshop ]
Mr. Grimes: And that, my friend, is how you put a ship inside a bottle.
Boy: Wow, Mr. Grimes. That is kicking!
Mr. Grimes: Nothing to it at all, son. Now go get washed up and, when you come back, I’ll play you some real music.It’s called jazz. [ he coughs quietly into his hand ]
Boy: Mr. Grimes?
Mr. Grimes: Hurry up, now! I don’t have all day!
[ dissolve back to Baldwin ]
Alec Baldwin: And the audience’s favorite: “It’s nothing, it’s just a cold.”
[ dissolve to movie scene: Fall proposal ]
Man: Will you marry me?
Woman: [ excited ] Oh, Brice! I don’t know what to say!
Man: Say yes.
Woman: Yes! [ she coughs into her hand ]
Man: You okay?
Woman: It’s nothing. It’s just a cold. [ quickly ] Beat you down to the lake!
Man: Okay!
[ they run off ]
[ dissolve back to Baldwin ]
Alec Baldwin: And, of course, the classic: “I don’t need any damn doctors.”
[ dissolve to movie scene: father and son ]
Son: You don’t even want to meet your own grandson?
Father: I just want to be left alone! [ he coughs into his hand ]
Son: You should get that checked out.
Father: I don’t need any damn doctors!
[ dissolve back to Baldwin ]
Alec Baldwin: Spoiler alert: He needs a damn doctor. Once you master those techniques, you can move on to more advanced coughs like the technically demanding, “Cough into a handkerchief, notice that there’s blood on it, look around nervously, then quickly shove it back in your pocket and hurry on your way.”
[ dissolve to movie scene: businessman in office ]
[ Businessman coughs into a handkerchief, then performs Baldwin’s proven technique ]
[ dissolve back to Baldwin ]
Alec Baldwin: So what are you waiting for? Take your acting career to the next level with “First coughs.”
[ Baldwin coughs, as the product appears on screen with a $0 price tag ]
Alec Baldwin V/O: It’s nothing. It’s just a cold. Order now.
[ fade ]
