Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 34: Episode 16
The Fourth Jonas Brother
(Open on ext. shot of recording studio. Guitar music is heard, and then fade into int. of recording studio. Jonas brothers KEVIN, NICK, and JOE are rehearsing. Kevin puts the playing on hold, and Nick sighs.)
Kevin Jonas: Stop, stop, stop. (Nick takes off his guitar.) Guys, guys, that sounded really off. Is something wrong?
Nick Jonas: Do we really have to do it?
Kevin Jonas: (Now taking off his guitar) It was a unanimous vote. We have to kick him out of the band.
Joe Jonas: (Slightly exasperated) But he is our brother.
Kevin Jonas: You don’t think I know that?
V.O. offstage: Hey guys!
(GARY walks in from Stage Left. He is decked in a Jonas Brothers-like wardrobe and haircut, complete with a saxaphone.)
Gary Jonas: Hey, guys, sorry I’m late. (Clears throat and fixes hair off his face) The security guard was all, “You’re parked in the wrong spot,” so I was all, “I’m Gary Jonas, I’ll park wherever I want.” And he was all, “Your spot is two spots over. Why don’t you move?” And then I hit him in the head with my sax and ran over here as fast as I could. (grins) How funny is that? Ha!
Nick Jonas: (Angrily) It’s not that funny.
Gary Jonas: (Sarcastically) Oh, Nick’s always so serious. But hey, if I wanted your sixteen-year-old advice, I would ask for it. Let’s not forget: I’m the OLDEST Jonas.
Joe Jonas: (Small voice under his breath) How could we forget?
Gary Jonas: Are you putting out an album of ‘whisper songs,’ Joe?
(Joe looks at him confusedly, blinking)
Gary Jonas: ‘Cause if you’re not, maybe you should speak up when your addressing your oldest brother.
Kevin Jonas: Let’s just calm down!
Gary Jonas: I’ll decide who does what around here. I’m the oldest Jonas (holds up two fingers) by TWO years.
(It’s obvious all three brothers are upset.)
Gary Jonas: Look, I’m sorry I blew my top. Hey, before we get back to rehearsal, I had a great idea. What if we changed our names… to the Donut Brothers? I think it could get us a really cool sponsorship deal. Solid, right?
Nick Jonas: (Harshly) I don’t think we should do that, Gary.
Gary Jonas: Well I think we should vote. Let’s remember, as the oldest brother, my vote is worth double. All in favor of the DONUT Brothers?
(Gary raises his hand. Joe, Kevin, and Nick do not.)
Gary Jonas: One, two. All opposed?
(Nick, Joe, and Kevin raise their hands. Kevin and Nick are hardly looking at him, Joe gives Gary a hard look.)
Gary Jonas: One, two, three. Damn! (Rudely) Well, congratulations. You guys OFFICIALLY hate success.
Kevin Jonas: Actually, Gary, we voted on something else a little bit earlier.
(Gary eyes the boys suspiciously)
Gary Jonas: And what would that be?
Joe Jonas: We’re thinking the Jonas Brothers should be a 3-man group.
(Gary sighs, and puts his hand on Nick’s shoulder.)
Gary Jonas: I’m sorry, Nick. But I have to agree with them. You’re weird, you’re creepy, and you smell bad.
(Nick is surprised at the stupidity)
Kevin Jonas: We’re not voting Nick out.
Gary Jonas: Well, I’m glad, Nick. You’ve always been my favorite. Try to forget all the stuff I said about you being weird and creepy and smelly. So, who is it then? Joe?
(Joe looks surprised)
Gary Jonas: That makes sense. He’s not one of us. He has straight hair, and his eyebrows look like they were drawn in with a Sharpie.
(Joe puts his hand up to his eyebrows. Now he’s surprised and hurt.)
Joe Jonas: (Voice almost cracking) It’s you, Gary.
Gary Jonas: (A tone) You’re joking.
Nick Jonas: (Imitating Gary’s tone) We’re not.
Gary Jonas: Well maybe you’ve all forgotten that my vote is worth two.
Joe Jonas: It won’t matter!
Gary Jonas: Well, we’ll see about that! All in favor of me staying?
(Raises his hand, Kevin, Joe, and Nick don’t.)
Gary Jonas: Ooh! A quick lead for Gary. All opposed?
(Kevin and Nick raise their hands)
Gary Jonas: One, two…please let that be it, please let that be it…
(Joe raises his hand, waving his fingers.)
Gary Jonas: Three. DAMN!
Nick Jonas: (Obviously not sorry) We’re sorry, Gary.
Gary Jonas: I hope you guys like riots. Because that’s what you’re gonna get, when there’s no Gary Jonas at your next concert.
Joe Jonas: (Sarcastically) I think we’ll be okay.
Gary Jonas: Guys, where is this all coming from?
Joe Jonas: (Shyly) Well, you broke all our rules.
Gary Jonas: (Confused) Which rules?
Nick Jonas: (Counting on his fingers) You drink, you smoke, and we’re pretty sure you do drugs.
Gary Jonas: First of all, I thought those rules were optional. And second of all, I was pretty high when you told ’em to me.
Kevin Jonas: We’re sorry, Gary.
Gary Jonas: But guys, I’m your brother. How can you do this to me?
Kevin Jonas: Well, that’s just the thing. When you showed up last week and said that you were our long-lost brother, we got a little nervous, so we did a little ‘checking into it’ and got a private investigator.
Gary Jonas: I’m gonna stop you right there, I know what you’re gonna say- you’re jealous of me. you think when we’re on stage, the girls can’t take their eyes off me and you’re right. I will leave.
(Takes a step towards the door, but then takes two steps towards Nick, Kevin and Joe)
Gary Jonas: We’re the Donut Brothers.
Nick Jonas: No, we’re not.
Gary Jonas: (Takes two steps back) Okay, well, it was worth a shot. Okay, well, if I’m out of the band, I guess you want my ring back.
Joe Jonas: Oh, you can keep your purity ring.
Gary Jonas: Purity ring? What’s a purity ring?
(Joe and Kevin can’t really break it to him. Nick steps towards Gary, motions for him to scoot closer, and whispers the simple anwer in his ear)
Gary Jonas: Oh. In that case, you’re definitely gonna want this back.
(Hands the ring to Nick)
Gary Jonas: Yeah, I would wash that. Better yet, just throw it in the garbage because it is broken.
(Nick hands the ring to Kevin, and wipes his hands on his jeans. Kevin tosses the ring into a trash can.)
Nick Jonas: You have to go, Gary.
Gary Jonas: Yeah, well I quit!
Joe Jonas: (Shocked) You can’t quit!
Kevin Jonas: (Puts his hand on Joe’s shoulder) Joe, just let him go.
Gary Jonas: Well, I’m out of here. You’re a bunch of weirdos.
(Opens door slightly)
Gary Jonas: (Continuing) Especially you, Nick. You’re the weirdest.
(Nick rolls his eyes)
Kevin Jonas: (Shouts) That’s enough, Gary!
Gary Jonas: (Shouting back) My name’s not Gary!
Joe Jonas: (Shouting, too) What is it?
Gary Jonas: Alec! Alec Baldwin. Not the one you’re thinking of. Not the one from “30 Rock.” I’m outta here, but seriously guys, think about it. Free donuts.
Nick Jonas: No!
Kevin Jonas: No!
Joe Jonas: Nooooo!
Gary Jonas: (Out the door, but facing the Jonas Brothers. Motions to them) You’re weird.
(Shuts door, and cut to ext. shot of recording studio.)
Submitted by: Scrubsfan613