SNL Transcripts: Alec Baldwin: 02/14/09: Alec Baldwin’s Monologue

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 16




08p: Alec Baldwin / Jonas Brothers

Alec Baldwin’s Monologue

…..Alec Baldwin
…..Jack McBrayer
Audience Member 1…..Kristen Wiig
Audience Member 2…..Fred Armisen
Audience Member 3…..Bobby Moynihan
Audience Member 4…..Jason Sudeikis

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Alec Baldwin!

Alec Baldwin: Thank you! Thank you! Thanks very much. It’s great to be here again hosting “Saturday Night Live”. A lot of exciting things have been happening for me since the last time I was here. But, before I get to that, I want to take a moment to say, thank you, Christian Bale. Who has replaced me as the person most synonymous with recorded celebrity meltdowns. [ audience laughs ] Thanks!

Now, since the last time I’ve been here, I’ve won an Emmy and a Golden Globe and a SAG Award for “30 Rock”. [ audience cheers ] You’re too kind. But I’m not a believer in individual honors. “30 Rock” is an ensemble effort, and, as luck would have it, one of my colleagues from the show, a personal friend of mine, is here tonight. Now, you — and by “you”, I mean America — might not know him yet, but I think he’s great. Ladies and gentlemen — Jack McBrayer.

[ McBrayer smiles widely, stands, and waves to the cheering audience ]

Alec Baldwin: Okay, that’s enough! [ the audience continues to cheer ] I said, that’s enough! [ McBrayer continues to lavish the audience’s applause ] Alright, SHUT UP!!! [ the audience dies down ] That’s enough. Thank you. [ McBrayer sits ] I would love to spend more time on Jack, but we have to move on to questions from the audience. [ points ] Uh — you.

Audience Member 1: Hi! Sorry, I’m so nervous!

Alec Baldwin: It’s okay. Ask away.

Audience Member 1: Oh, well… it’s actually a question for Jack McBrayer.

Alec Baldwin: Very well.

Audience Member 1: First of all, you are my FAVORITE part of “30 Rock”!

Jack McBrayer: Aw, thank you!

Alec Baldwin: [ interrupting ] If I may, that’s not really a question. It’s more of a statement, an opinion, really.

Audience Member 1: Okay, you know what? I’m talking to Jack. [ she turns back to McBrayer ] Jack, who is your favorite person on “30 Rock” to work with?

Jack McBrayer: Oh, uh — it is such a talented group. Uh, I guess If I had to pick a favorite…

[ Baldwin looks down with interest ]

Jack McBrayer: I would say that I can’t. I like them all equally.

Alec Baldwin: [ disgusted ] You can’t name one, really? Uh, I’m right here.

Audience Member 2: I-I-I got a question!

Alec Baldwin: Go right ahead.

Audience Member 2: Yeah, um — did you ever meet Tina Fey?

Alec Baldwin: Uh, yes. Obviously.

Audience Member 2: Oh, wow, yeah! Um… did you ever meet Jack McBrayer?

Alec Baldwin: Yeah! He’s right here.

Audience Member 2: He is? [ he looks over ] Oh, my God! The star of “30 Rock”! [ he claps wildly ]

Alec Baldwin: Where were you at the beginning of the monologue?

Audience Member 2: Oh, I was getting something to eat.

Audience Member 3: [ stands ] Excuse me. Do you mind if I take a picture?

Alec Baldwin: Well… they normally don’t allow cameras. But, go ahead.

Audience Member 3: Okay. [ turns to McBrayer ] Okay, Jack, can you get up there?

[ McBrayer walks onto Home Base and stands next to Baldwin ]

Audience Member 3: [ as he hands his camera to Baldwin ] Would you? Thank you.

[ Audience Member 3 stands next to McBrayer, as Baldwin snaps the photo ]

Audience Member 3: Okay, just one more for safety?

[ Baldwin snaps the second photo ]

Audience Member 3: Thank you!

[ Baldwin hurls the camera to the floor ]

Audience Member 4: [ waving ] Hey! Excuse me! Excuse me, hi! sorry! Over here! I just want to say I loved you in “Glengarry Glenn Ross”!

Alec Baldwin: [ pleased ] Well, thank you!

Audience Member 4: No, I was talking to Jack.

Alec Baldwin: I’m sorry?

Jack McBrayer: [ smiling ] Uh, I was in the community theater version of “Glengarry Glenn Ross” back in Conyers, Georgia. [ recutes ] “Always be closing, please!” [ he chuckles ] It was a real thrill!

Audience Member 4: Oh… oh, no… we were the ones who were thrilled.

Alec Baldwin: Oh, alright, that’s enough. One last question.

Audience Member 4: [ quickly ] Jack! Are you ever going to host?

Jack McBrayer: Uh, I — I hope to… someday. Uh, just once or twice, though, not a whole bunch of times. I don’t want to seem desperate!

Alec Baldwin: Well, then, Jack, why don’t you get a head start?

Jack McBrayer: You mean it?

Alec Baldwin: Yeah. Let’s do this.

Jack McBrayer: Okay. We’ve got a great show! The Jonas Brothers are here!

Alec Baldwin: Whoo-oo-oo!!!

Together: So, stick around. We’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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