SNL Transcripts: Alec Baldwin: 02/14/09: Alec Baldwin’s Monologue

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  Season 34: Episode 16




08p: Alec Baldwin / Jonas Brothers

Alec Baldwin’s Monologue

…..Alec Baldwin
…..Jack McBrayer
Audience Member 1…..Kristen Wiig
Audience Member 2…..Fred Armisen
Audience Member 3…..Bobby Moynihan
Audience Member 4…..Jason Sudeikis

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Alec Baldwin!

Alec Baldwin: Thank you! Thank you! Thanks very much. It’s great to be here again hosting “Saturday Night Live”. A lot of exciting things have been happening for me since the last time I was here. But, before I get to that, I want to take a moment to say, thank you, Christian Bale. Who has replaced me as the person most synonymous with recorded celebrity meltdowns. [ audience laughs ] Thanks!

Now, since the last time I’ve been here, I’ve won an Emmy and a Golden Globe and a SAG Award for “30 Rock”. [ audience cheers ] You’re too kind. But I’m not a believer in individual honors. “30 Rock” is an ensemble effort, and, as luck would have it, one of my colleagues from the show, a personal friend of mine, is here tonight. Now, you — and by “you”, I mean America — might not know him yet, but I think he’s great. Ladies and gentlemen — Jack McBrayer.

[ McBrayer smiles widely, stands, and waves to the cheering audience ]

Alec Baldwin: Okay, that’s enough! [ the audience continues to cheer ] I said, that’s enough! [ McBrayer continues to lavish the audience’s applause ] Alright, SHUT UP!!! [ the audience dies down ] That’s enough. Thank you. [ McBrayer sits ] I would love to spend more time on Jack, but we have to move on to questions from the audience. [ points ] Uh — you.

Audience Member 1: Hi! Sorry, I’m so nervous!

Alec Baldwin: It’s okay. Ask away.

Audience Member 1: Oh, well… it’s actually a question for Jack McBrayer.

Alec Baldwin: Very well.

Audience Member 1: First of all, you are my FAVORITE part of “30 Rock”!

Jack McBrayer: Aw, thank you!

Alec Baldwin: [ interrupting ] If I may, that’s not really a question. It’s more of a statement, an opinion, really.

Audience Member 1: Okay, you know what? I’m talking to Jack. [ she turns back to McBrayer ] Jack, who is your favorite person on “30 Rock” to work with?

Jack McBrayer: Oh, uh — it is such a talented group. Uh, I guess If I had to pick a favorite…

[ Baldwin looks down with interest ]

Jack McBrayer: I would say that I can’t. I like them all equally.

Alec Baldwin: [ disgusted ] You can’t name one, really? Uh, I’m right here.

Audience Member 2: I-I-I got a question!

Alec Baldwin: Go right ahead.

Audience Member 2: Yeah, um — did you ever meet Tina Fey?

Alec Baldwin: Uh, yes. Obviously.

Audience Member 2: Oh, wow, yeah! Um… did you ever meet Jack McBrayer?

Alec Baldwin: Yeah! He’s right here.

Audience Member 2: He is? [ he looks over ] Oh, my God! The star of “30 Rock”! [ he claps wildly ]

Alec Baldwin: Where were you at the beginning of the monologue?

Audience Member 2: Oh, I was getting something to eat.

Audience Member 3: [ stands ] Excuse me. Do you mind if I take a picture?

Alec Baldwin: Well… they normally don’t allow cameras. But, go ahead.

Audience Member 3: Okay. [ turns to McBrayer ] Okay, Jack, can you get up there?

[ McBrayer walks onto Home Base and stands next to Baldwin ]

Audience Member 3: [ as he hands his camera to Baldwin ] Would you? Thank you.

[ Audience Member 3 stands next to McBrayer, as Baldwin snaps the photo ]

Audience Member 3: Okay, just one more for safety?

[ Baldwin snaps the second photo ]

Audience Member 3: Thank you!

[ Baldwin hurls the camera to the floor ]

Audience Member 4: [ waving ] Hey! Excuse me! Excuse me, hi! sorry! Over here! I just want to say I loved you in “Glengarry Glenn Ross”!

Alec Baldwin: [ pleased ] Well, thank you!

Audience Member 4: No, I was talking to Jack.

Alec Baldwin: I’m sorry?

Jack McBrayer: [ smiling ] Uh, I was in the community theater version of “Glengarry Glenn Ross” back in Conyers, Georgia. [ recutes ] “Always be closing, please!” [ he chuckles ] It was a real thrill!

Audience Member 4: Oh… oh, no… we were the ones who were thrilled.

Alec Baldwin: Oh, alright, that’s enough. One last question.

Audience Member 4: [ quickly ] Jack! Are you ever going to host?

Jack McBrayer: Uh, I — I hope to… someday. Uh, just once or twice, though, not a whole bunch of times. I don’t want to seem desperate!

Alec Baldwin: Well, then, Jack, why don’t you get a head start?

Jack McBrayer: You mean it?

Alec Baldwin: Yeah. Let’s do this.

Jack McBrayer: Okay. We’ve got a great show! The Jonas Brothers are here!

Alec Baldwin: Whoo-oo-oo!!!

Together: So, stick around. We’ll be right back!

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