Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 34: Episode 16
Vincent Price’s Valentine’s Day Special
Vincent Price…..Bill Hader
Richard Burton…..Alec Baldwin
Carol Channing…..Kristen Wiig
Elizabeth Taylor…..Casey Wilson
Announcer: You’re watching TV Land, which means you’ve liked the same stuff for forty years. Hey! Good for you! Up next: “Vincent Price’s Valentine’s Day Special”.[ dissolve to Price black-and-white set ] [ Price cackles with laughter as he appears from behind a revolving wall ]
Vincent Price: Valentine’s Day! That special day when the pulse quickens —[ the wall continues to revolve back into the opposite room ]
Vincent Price: Wait!! Wait!! Wait a minute!! Go back the other way![ the wall reverses its track and holds still in the appropriate spot ]
Vincent Price: Valentine’s Day! That special day when the pulse quickens —
Vincent Price: Stop! You’re doing it again! No! Go to the package!![ cut to title splash screen ]
Announcer: And now, Colgate Presents: Vincent Price’s Valentine’s Day Special! Please welcome your host — Lord of the Shadow, Vincent Price![ dissolve back to Price, rubbing the cobwebs off his smoking jacket ]
Vincent Price: Good evening. For 364 days out of the year, the sight of a diapered baby-man with a bow and arrow would be cause for alarm! But, today, ’tis cause for celebration! So, tonight, we have decided to invite our favorite couples over to exchange valentines — and teach us the true meaning of love! First, let’s welcome Tinseltown’s favorite lovers: Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton!![ Richard Burton enters the room, alone ]
Richard Burton: Where do you keep your Scotch, Price? I ran out on the drive over.
Vincent Price: Oh. Oh, Richard, where’s Elizabeth?
Richard Burton: Oh, she’s in the car! We got into a fight! She says I’m unkind. That foul, insolent COW of a woman!!
Vincent Price: Let’s just… relax, Richard. The theme of our show, after all, is true love.
Richard Burton: There’s nothing more on Earth I love more than that woman. [ a car horn honks ] Dear God, she’s discovered the horn! There is only one thing that can cure this rage: where do you keep your meat, Price? I need meats and butters and a basket and a stick, and some twine to affix the basket to the stick!
Vincent Price: [ he chuckles nervously ] Ah ha, alright… Il’l let you know what I find… [ the doorbell rings ] Oh! The door! Not a minute too soon! Joining us now, from the hit Broadway show, “Hello Dolly!” — the radiant Carol Channing, and her husband Charles![ Carol Channing saunters into the room, alone ]
Carol Channing: Raaaaaspberries!
Vincent Price: Well… hello, Carol. Where’s Charles, your valentine?
Carol Channing: Oh, deeear! I thought you said to bring the Ballantine! [ she holds up a bottle ]
Richard Burton: Please… and thank you! [ he grabs the bottle and walks off ]
Vincent Price: Al-right… [ Channing holds her pose to the camera and saunters off ] Okay. Alright, well, we’re 0 for 2 on couples, but fortunately we’re going to be treated to some romantic music — with LIBERACE and his FEMALE COMPANION!![ cut to Liberace pounding the piano keys with a wide smile ]
Liberace: Well, hello, Mister! And hello, young lovers!
Vincent Price: Liberace, where’s your date?
Liberace: Well, the fleet shipped out yesterday! [ he laughs ]
Vincent Price: You know, a scret isn’t a secret when you make no effort to HIDE IT! Well, just because it’s Valentine’s Day doesn’t mean we can’t… get a bit spooky. Oh, Carol?
Carol Channing: Ye-e-esss, Vincent?
Vincent Price: [ he steps closer and clutches a box of chocolates on a buffet table ] I was wondering if you would like some… chocolates?
Carol Channing: Oo-ooh, thank you, Vincent!
Vincent Price: I just hope things don’t get out of… hand![ Price lifts the lid off the box, to no effect until an arm rises from a hole at the other end of the table ]
Vincent Price: [ he shrugs and replaces the lid ] Great. Alright, Tina, did somebody move this box?!
Richard Burton: [ stepping forward ] Uh, Vincent — do you mind if I take two chocolates? [ a car horn sounds ] Uh, four chocolates. [ a car horn sounds ] Uh — all the chocolates. [ he grabs the box ]
Vincent Price: Go for it.[ Burton stands by the open front door ]
Richard Burton: HERE!! [ he throws the box out the door ] Feed! Graze! Does this placate you, you wolvereine?! [ a car horn sounds ]
Vincent Price: Will you shut that woman UP?!!
Richard Burton: That woman is an angel! And don’t you ever forget it![ cut to Channing, leaning over the buffet table carressing the mysterious hand ]
Carol Channing: Vincent! Me and the hand have hit it off! We’re in lo-ovvve!
Vincent Price: Seriously, Carol? What’s so great about a strange hand sticking through a hole?
Liberace: Plenty! [ he laughs ]
Vincent Price: WATCH IT, LIBERACE!! You’re not at home. [ he composes himself ] Now, to conclude our show, I will serenade our… lovers. [ the lights dim, as Liberace tinkles the keys ] “My funny Valentine…”[ as Price sings, Elizabeth Taylor storms into the scene and initiates a physical squabble with Burton, which quickly turns into a make-out session, the likes of which delight Liberace as they lean against the piano keys and interrupt Price ]
Vincent Price: Whoa, hey! Whoa, hey! Guys! What’s going on here?! What are you doing?!
Richard Burton: Oh, I’m sorry. Is there someone here who doesn’t like watching a man and woman make love?[ Liberace raises his hand and smiles ]
Vincent Price: Why can’t you two just behave, like Carol?![ cut to Channing sitting atop the buffet table, enjoying the musterious hand beneath ]
Vincent Price: Carol! Where’s the hand?
Carol Channing: I’ll never tell!
Vincent Price: Great. Just… great. Let’s wrap it up! [ poetically ] Lovers of the night, fear not the racing of your hearts! You may just be… in love! Hapy Valentine’s Day, everybody![ Price stands before the revolving wall and pulls from a cord, to no avail ]
Vincent Price: How long do I have to tug on this thing before something happens?[ Liberace steps forward with a smile ]
Vincent Price: Don’t say anything, Liberace!![ cut to title splash screen ]
Announcer: This has been Vincent Price’s Valentine’s Day Special! Thanks for watching![ fade ]