SNL Transcripts: Alec Baldwin: 02/14/09: Vincent Price’s Valentine’s Day Special


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 34: Episode 16

08p: Alec Baldwin / Jonas Brothers

Vincent Price’s Valentine’s Day Special

Vincent Price…..Bill Hader
Richard Burton…..Alec Baldwin
Carol Channing…..Kristen Wiig
Liberace…..Fred Armisen
Elizabeth Taylor…..Casey Wilson

[ open on TV Land splash screen ]

Announcer: You’re watching TV Land, which means you’ve liked the same stuff for forty years. Hey! Good for you! Up next: “Vincent Price’s Valentine’s Day Special”.

[ dissolve to Price black-and-white set ] [ Price cackles with laughter as he appears from behind a revolving wall ]

Vincent Price: Valentine’s Day! That special day when the pulse quickens —

[ the wall continues to revolve back into the opposite room ]

Vincent Price: Wait!! Wait!! Wait a minute!! Go back the other way!

[ the wall reverses its track and holds still in the appropriate spot ]

Vincent Price: Valentine’s Day! That special day when the pulse quickens —

[ the wall again begins to revolve back into the opposite room ]

Vincent Price: Stop! You’re doing it again! No! Go to the package!!

[ cut to title splash screen ]

Announcer: And now, Colgate Presents: Vincent Price’s Valentine’s Day Special! Please welcome your host — Lord of the Shadow, Vincent Price!

[ dissolve back to Price, rubbing the cobwebs off his smoking jacket ]

Vincent Price: Good evening. For 364 days out of the year, the sight of a diapered baby-man with a bow and arrow would be cause for alarm! But, today, ’tis cause for celebration! So, tonight, we have decided to invite our favorite couples over to exchange valentines — and teach us the true meaning of love! First, let’s welcome Tinseltown’s favorite lovers: Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton!!

[ Richard Burton enters the room, alone ]

Richard Burton: Where do you keep your Scotch, Price? I ran out on the drive over.

Vincent Price: Oh. Oh, Richard, where’s Elizabeth?

Richard Burton: Oh, she’s in the car! We got into a fight! She says I’m unkind. That foul, insolent COW of a woman!!

Vincent Price: Let’s just… relax, Richard. The theme of our show, after all, is true love.

Richard Burton: There’s nothing more on Earth I love more than that woman. [ a car horn honks ] Dear God, she’s discovered the horn! There is only one thing that can cure this rage: where do you keep your meat, Price? I need meats and butters and a basket and a stick, and some twine to affix the basket to the stick!

Vincent Price: [ he chuckles nervously ] Ah ha, alright… Il’l let you know what I find… [ the doorbell rings ] Oh! The door! Not a minute too soon! Joining us now, from the hit Broadway show, “Hello Dolly!” — the radiant Carol Channing, and her husband Charles!

[ Carol Channing saunters into the room, alone ]

Carol Channing: Raaaaaspberries!

Vincent Price: Well… hello, Carol. Where’s Charles, your valentine?

Carol Channing: Oh, deeear! I thought you said to bring the Ballantine! [ she holds up a bottle ]

Richard Burton: Please… and thank you! [ he grabs the bottle and walks off ]

Vincent Price: Al-right… [ Channing holds her pose to the camera and saunters off ] Okay. Alright, well, we’re 0 for 2 on couples, but fortunately we’re going to be treated to some romantic music — with LIBERACE and his FEMALE COMPANION!!

[ cut to Liberace pounding the piano keys with a wide smile ]

Liberace: Well, hello, Mister! And hello, young lovers!

Vincent Price: Liberace, where’s your date?

Liberace: Well, the fleet shipped out yesterday! [ he laughs ]

Vincent Price: You know, a scret isn’t a secret when you make no effort to HIDE IT! Well, just because it’s Valentine’s Day doesn’t mean we can’t… get a bit spooky. Oh, Carol?

Carol Channing: Ye-e-esss, Vincent?

Vincent Price: [ he steps closer and clutches a box of chocolates on a buffet table ] I was wondering if you would like some… chocolates?

Carol Channing: Oo-ooh, thank you, Vincent!

Vincent Price: I just hope things don’t get out of… hand!

[ Price lifts the lid off the box, to no effect until an arm rises from a hole at the other end of the table ]

Vincent Price: [ he shrugs and replaces the lid ] Great. Alright, Tina, did somebody move this box?!

Richard Burton: [ stepping forward ] Uh, Vincent — do you mind if I take two chocolates? [ a car horn sounds ] Uh, four chocolates. [ a car horn sounds ] Uh — all the chocolates. [ he grabs the box ]

Vincent Price: Go for it.

[ Burton stands by the open front door ]

Richard Burton: HERE!! [ he throws the box out the door ] Feed! Graze! Does this placate you, you wolvereine?! [ a car horn sounds ]

Vincent Price: Will you shut that woman UP?!!

Richard Burton: That woman is an angel! And don’t you ever forget it!

[ cut to Channing, leaning over the buffet table carressing the mysterious hand ]

Carol Channing: Vincent! Me and the hand have hit it off! We’re in lo-ovvve!

Vincent Price: Seriously, Carol? What’s so great about a strange hand sticking through a hole?

Liberace: Plenty! [ he laughs ]

Vincent Price: WATCH IT, LIBERACE!! You’re not at home. [ he composes himself ] Now, to conclude our show, I will serenade our… lovers. [ the lights dim, as Liberace tinkles the keys ] “My funny Valentine…”

[ as Price sings, Elizabeth Taylor storms into the scene and initiates a physical squabble with Burton, which quickly turns into a make-out session, the likes of which delight Liberace as they lean against the piano keys and interrupt Price ]

Vincent Price: Whoa, hey! Whoa, hey! Guys! What’s going on here?! What are you doing?!

Richard Burton: Oh, I’m sorry. Is there someone here who doesn’t like watching a man and woman make love?

[ Liberace raises his hand and smiles ]

Vincent Price: Why can’t you two just behave, like Carol?!

[ cut to Channing sitting atop the buffet table, enjoying the musterious hand beneath ]

Vincent Price: Carol! Where’s the hand?

Carol Channing: I’ll never tell!

Vincent Price: Great. Just… great. Let’s wrap it up! [ poetically ] Lovers of the night, fear not the racing of your hearts! You may just be… in love! Hapy Valentine’s Day, everybody!

[ Price stands before the revolving wall and pulls from a cord, to no avail ]

Vincent Price: How long do I have to tug on this thing before something happens?

[ Liberace steps forward with a smile ]

Vincent Price: Don’t say anything, Liberace!!

[ cut to title splash screen ]

Announcer: This has been Vincent Price’s Valentine’s Day Special! Thanks for watching!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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