SNL Transcripts: Alec Baldwin: 02/14/09: High-Profile Project


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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 34: Episode 16

08p: Alec Baldwin / Jonas Brothers

High-Profile Project

Carl…..Will Forte
Jerry…..Bill Hader
Troy…..Alec Baldwin

[ open on exterior, office building ] [ dissolve to interior, conference room ] [ Carl enters, joining Troy and Jerry ]

Carl: Troy, Jerry… so sorry to keep you waiting. I was on the conference call from HELL!

Jerry: I’ve been there, Carl. Don’t worry about it. I knew this was a tough day for you and Troy.

Troy: And, with all of our hectic schedules, I’m just happy we were able to find a day that worked for all of us.

Carl: Yeah, well, thanks for understanding. [ into intercom ] Carol, hold my calls.

Troy: Uh, hey — before we start, maybe we should pick a date for our next meeting, so we can get that out of the way.

Carl: That’s a great idea, Troy. We’re going to be buried up to our chin straps once we get goingon this high-profile project. Let’s see… [ consults his appointment book ] How is Monday for you guys?

Jerry: Monday is no good for me. I’m getting my teeth cleaned.

Troy: Yeah, I’ve got to take my car into the shop for an oil change. Hw about Tuesday?

Carl: Well, Tuesday’s no good for me. I’ve got to get fitted for a new toupee. This one doesn’t quite give me the coverage I was hoping for. How about, uh… [ consults his appointment book ] Wednesday?

Jerry: I can’t do Wednesday. I’ve got to pick up my aunt and bring her across town. It’s not going to be easy. She weighs 400 pounds.

Carl: Aw, dammit! This is gonna be harder than I thought. [ into intercom ] Carol, hold my calls! Okay, uh… [ consults his appointment book ] How about Thursday?

Troy: Uh, I can’t do Thursday. I’m going to a bris. I’m kind of nervous. Hope it doesn’t hurt as much as my first one. Uh… [ consults his appointment book ] How about Friday?

Jerry: No, I’m having a cat tail sown on my upper butt so my little daughter will want to play with me.

Troy: She likes cats?

Jerry: I sure hope she does.

Carl: Well, I hate to work on weekends, but, again, this is a high-profile project, and we’re going to be buried up to our chinstraps. [ into intercom ] Carol, hold my calls! Uh — so, uh — what do you have on Saturday?

Troy: I’m out for Saturday. I got to tell my son he’s gay. I don’t imagine he and his wife are going to take it very well. Sunday?

Carl: Ah… I don’t know. How long does an autopsy take?

Jerry: Generally 4 hours.

Carl: Well, let’s see… four times five… Nah! Sunday’s out for me. Let’s see… [ consults his appointment book ] How about, uh, Monday?

Jerry: No, I’m having my collarbone removed so I can fit through a doggy door.

Troy: Your daughter loves puppies?

Jerry: No, I’m just locked out of the house.

Carl: You guys! Reminder! High profile, chinstraps! [ into intercom ] Carol, hold my calls!! [ consults his appointment book ] Okay, uh, how about next Monday?

Troy: Uh, next Monday is bad for me. I’ll be in a gas station bathroom in Queens. They have a glory hole there that I really, really enjoy.

Jerry: [ winces ] I’m volunteering at a glory hole on Monday.

Troy: 11:30?

Jerry: 11:30!

Troy: No way, where?

Jerry: 73rd and Broadway.

Troy: Well, I’ll See you there!

Jerry: No, you won’t — it’s a glory hole.

[ they chuckle ]

Troy: Boys, we’re really in a jam here.

Carl: Ohhh, boy, I’ll say. [ into intercom ] Carol, hold my calls!!!

Jerry: We need to come at this thing from a new angle.

Carl: Oh, great idea! [ picks up phone ] Carol, let a call through! [ phone rings, as Carl presses a button ] Talk to me! Okay. [hangs up ] Well, I just got fired. So, I guess that frees up my schedule. You want to do it right now?

Troy: Sure, I’m free.

Jerry: I’d LOVE to do it right now!

Carl: [ into intercom ] Carol, hold my calls!

[ fade ]

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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