Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 34: Episode 16
08p: Alec Baldwin / Jonas Brothers
[ open on exterior, office building ] [ dissolve to interior, conference room ] [ Carl enters, joining Troy and Jerry ]
Carl: Troy, Jerry… so sorry to keep you waiting. I was on the conference call from HELL!
Jerry: I’ve been there, Carl. Don’t worry about it. I knew this was a tough day for you and Troy.
Troy: And, with all of our hectic schedules, I’m just happy we were able to find a day that worked for all of us.
Carl: Yeah, well, thanks for understanding. [ into intercom ] Carol, hold my calls.
Troy: Uh, hey — before we start, maybe we should pick a date for our next meeting, so we can get that out of the way.
Carl: That’s a great idea, Troy. We’re going to be buried up to our chin straps once we get goingon this high-profile project. Let’s see… [ consults his appointment book ] How is Monday for you guys?
Jerry: Monday is no good for me. I’m getting my teeth cleaned.
Troy: Yeah, I’ve got to take my car into the shop for an oil change. Hw about Tuesday?
Carl: Well, Tuesday’s no good for me. I’ve got to get fitted for a new toupee. This one doesn’t quite give me the coverage I was hoping for. How about, uh… [ consults his appointment book ] Wednesday?
Jerry: I can’t do Wednesday. I’ve got to pick up my aunt and bring her across town. It’s not going to be easy. She weighs 400 pounds.
Carl: Aw, dammit! This is gonna be harder than I thought. [ into intercom ] Carol, hold my calls! Okay, uh… [ consults his appointment book ] How about Thursday?
Troy: Uh, I can’t do Thursday. I’m going to a bris. I’m kind of nervous. Hope it doesn’t hurt as much as my first one. Uh… [ consults his appointment book ] How about Friday?
Jerry: No, I’m having a cat tail sown on my upper butt so my little daughter will want to play with me.
Troy: She likes cats?
Jerry: I sure hope she does.
Carl: Well, I hate to work on weekends, but, again, this is a high-profile project, and we’re going to be buried up to our chinstraps. [ into intercom ] Carol, hold my calls! Uh — so, uh — what do you have on Saturday?
Troy: I’m out for Saturday. I got to tell my son he’s gay. I don’t imagine he and his wife are going to take it very well. Sunday?
Carl: Ah… I don’t know. How long does an autopsy take?
Jerry: Generally 4 hours.
Carl: Well, let’s see… four times five… Nah! Sunday’s out for me. Let’s see… [ consults his appointment book ] How about, uh, Monday?
Jerry: No, I’m having my collarbone removed so I can fit through a doggy door.
Troy: Your daughter loves puppies?
Jerry: No, I’m just locked out of the house.
Carl: You guys! Reminder! High profile, chinstraps! [ into intercom ] Carol, hold my calls!! [ consults his appointment book ] Okay, uh, how about next Monday?
Troy: Uh, next Monday is bad for me. I’ll be in a gas station bathroom in Queens. They have a glory hole there that I really, really enjoy.
Jerry: [ winces ] I’m volunteering at a glory hole on Monday.
Troy: No way, where?
Jerry: 73rd and Broadway.
Troy: Well, I’ll See you there!
Jerry: No, you won’t — it’s a glory hole.[ they chuckle ]
Troy: Boys, we’re really in a jam here.
Carl: Ohhh, boy, I’ll say. [ into intercom ] Carol, hold my calls!!!
Jerry: We need to come at this thing from a new angle.
Carl: Oh, great idea! [ picks up phone ] Carol, let a call through! [ phone rings, as Carl presses a button ] Talk to me! Okay. [hangs up ] Well, I just got fired. So, I guess that frees up my schedule. You want to do it right now?
Troy: Sure, I’m free.
Jerry: I’d LOVE to do it right now!
Carl: [ into intercom ] Carol, hold my calls![ fade ]