SNL Transcripts: Alec Baldwin: 02/14/09: High-Profile Project

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 16

08p: Alec Baldwin / Jonas Brothers

High-Profile Project

Carl…..Will Forte
Jerry…..Bill Hader
Troy…..Alec Baldwin

[ open on exterior, office building ]

[ dissolve to interior, conference room ]

[ Carl enters, joining Troy and Jerry ]

Carl: Troy, Jerry… so sorry to keep you waiting. I was on the conference call from HELL!

Jerry: I’ve been there, Carl. Don’t worry about it. I knew this was a tough day for you and Troy.

Troy: And, with all of our hectic schedules, I’m just happy we were able to find a day that worked for all of us.

Carl: Yeah, well, thanks for understanding. [ into intercom ] Carol, hold my calls.

Troy: Uh, hey — before we start, maybe we should pick a date for our next meeting, so we can get that out of the way.

Carl: That’s a great idea, Troy. We’re going to be buried up to our chin straps once we get goingon this high-profile project. Let’s see… [ consults his appointment book ] How is Monday for you guys?

Jerry: Monday is no good for me. I’m getting my teeth cleaned.

Troy: Yeah, I’ve got to take my car into the shop for an oil change. Hw about Tuesday?

Carl: Well, Tuesday’s no good for me. I’ve got to get fitted for a new toupee. This one doesn’t quite give me the coverage I was hoping for. How about, uh… [ consults his appointment book ] Wednesday?

Jerry: I can’t do Wednesday. I’ve got to pick up my aunt and bring her across town. It’s not going to be easy. She weighs 400 pounds.

Carl: Aw, dammit! This is gonna be harder than I thought. [ into intercom ] Carol, hold my calls! Okay, uh… [ consults his appointment book ] How about Thursday?

Troy: Uh, I can’t do Thursday. I’m going to a bris. I’m kind of nervous. Hope it doesn’t hurt as much as my first one. Uh… [ consults his appointment book ] How about Friday?

Jerry: No, I’m having a cat tail sown on my upper butt so my little daughter will want to play with me.

Troy: She likes cats?

Jerry: I sure hope she does.

Carl: Well, I hate to work on weekends, but, again, this is a high-profile project, and we’re going to be buried up to our chinstraps. [ into intercom ] Carol, hold my calls! Uh — so, uh — what do you have on Saturday?

Troy: I’m out for Saturday. I got to tell my son he’s gay. I don’t imagine he and his wife are going to take it very well. Sunday?

Carl: Ah… I don’t know. How long does an autopsy take?

Jerry: Generally 4 hours.

Carl: Well, let’s see… four times five… Nah! Sunday’s out for me. Let’s see… [ consults his appointment book ] How about, uh, Monday?

Jerry: No, I’m having my collarbone removed so I can fit through a doggy door.

Troy: Your daughter loves puppies?

Jerry: No, I’m just locked out of the house.

Carl: You guys! Reminder! High profile, chinstraps! [ into intercom ] Carol, hold my calls!! [ consults his appointment book ] Okay, uh, how about next Monday?

Troy: Uh, next Monday is bad for me. I’ll be in a gas station bathroom in Queens. They have a glory hole there that I really, really enjoy.

Jerry: [ winces ] I’m volunteering at a glory hole on Monday.

Troy: 11:30?

Jerry: 11:30!

Troy: No way, where?

Jerry: 73rd and Broadway.

Troy: Well, I’ll See you there!

Jerry: No, you won’t — it’s a glory hole.

[ they chuckle ]

Troy: Boys, we’re really in a jam here.

Carl: Ohhh, boy, I’ll say. [ into intercom ] Carol, hold my calls!!!

Jerry: We need to come at this thing from a new angle.

Carl: Oh, great idea! [ picks up phone ] Carol, let a call through! [ phone rings, as Carl presses a button ] Talk to me! Okay. [hangs up ] Well, I just got fired. So, I guess that frees up my schedule. You want to do it right now?

Troy: Sure, I’m free.

Jerry: I’d LOVE to do it right now!

Carl: [ into intercom ] Carol, hold my calls!

[ fade ]

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