SNL Transcripts: Alec Baldwin: 02/14/09: Republican Congressional Leadership Meeting


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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 34: Episode 16

08p: Alec Baldwin / Jonas Brothers

Republican Congressional Leadership Meeting

John Boehner…..Dan Aykroyd
Panelist 1…..Darrell Hammond
Eric…..Andy Samberg
Tom…..Jason Sudeikis
Panelist 2…..Kristen Wiig
Dave…..Will Forte

[ open on exterior, Congress ] [ SUPER: “Republican Congressional Leadership Meeting, Friday 11am” ] [ dissolve to interior, conference room ]

John Boehner: [ on phone ] Well, please let us know, because we’re all here waiting. [ audience cheers ] Alright, here’s the deal: Pelosi says the Democratic House and the Senate members want to work out their version of the bill, and then show it to us for our input.

Panelist 1: So basically, we’re being cut out.

John Boehner: [ smiling ] Looks that way.

Eric: That’s great!

Tom: Perfect! They’re not letting us participate AT ALL!!

Panelist 2: It’s like we don’t even exist!

Dave: We’re totally powerless! [ high-fives ANS ]

John Boehner: You’re right. It’s just what we hoped for: Complete political irrelevance. Now… when the stimulus bill causes, you know, the economy to go bad, I think we could actually have a bad economy. We get to say, “Don’t blame us. We had nothing to do with it. “We wanted to leave the economy alone.”

Panelist 1: Exactly. Unless I’ve lost my political instincts, that, my friends, is a winning campaign issue.

Tom: Yep! Yep! So barring some miracle, next election we’re back in the majority.

John Boehner: You can take it to the bank.

Panelist 2: I can’t believe he’s playing into our hands like this.

Panelist 1: [ chuckling ] Speaking of playing into our hands, did anyone catch the President’s press conference this week? What a disaster!

Tom: The single most embarrassing public appearance by a U.S. President in history.

Dave: Did you see that first question, where he was asked about the state of the economy, and he proceeds to give a detailed seven-minute answer citing specific figures on unemployment, mortgage default rates, and credit markets… and making the case for government intervention. I’m like, “Okay, what?!”

Panelist 2: Hello! Too much information!

Panelist 1: You had me, then you lost me.

John Boehner: It was painful to watch.

Eric: Yeah, I mean, I actually felt sorry for the guy. I did.

Tom: I-I-I mean, if it was a fight, they would have stopped it.

John Boehner: And, and, and how about when he said, I kid you not, he actually said this: “One thing I’m not going to do is go back to the failed policies of the last eight years.”

Eric: [ guffaws ] Air ball!

Panelist 1: A swing and a miss!

Panelist 2: Definitely not his best moment.

Tom: Yeah! That one rolled foul!

Dave: Sean Hannity had a great line about the press conference. He said, “This is change we can believe in? “Not if you ask me.”

[ everyone laughs uproariously ]

Panelist 2: That is hilarious!

John Boehner: That’s a great line.

Dave: Hannity’s brilliant.

Eric: Yep, smartest man in America.

Tom: Now, wait a minute. Sean Hannity is the smartest man in America?

Eric: [ meekly ] In my opinion, yes.

Tom: [ laughs ] Smarter than Rush?

Eric: I think he’s as smart as Rush.

Tom: No, that’s idiotic! No! No one is as smart as Rush Limbaugh! NOBODY!! [ points his finger ] You need to take that back!

John Boehner: Hey, uh — a man’s entitled to his opinion.

Tom: No, I’m sorry, John, no! Some things are just beyond the pale.

John Boehner: Look, um — as Republicans, we don’t have to agree on everything. You like Rush, Eric here likes Sean, and someone else might like Michael Savage. We’re a big tent party, but at the end of the day we stick together, and that’s the reason we’re on such a hot streak.

Dave: I agree. Our party’s at the top of its game, and that’s why now is the perfect time for impeachment.

[ everyone echoes their agreemnt ]

Dave: We’re united. We’ll get EVERY Republican vote.

John Boehner: I don’t know, Dave. Remember… Obama’s only been president for three weeks.

Dave: I’m telling you, impeaching Obama is a political winner.

John Boehner: No question about that. I just wonder if you’re going to get many Democrats to vote for impeachment.

Dave: I think they will. I mean, after that press conference Monday? [ chuckles and holds his nose ] Pee-yoo!

Panelist 2: He laid an egg with that one.

Tom: Yeah! Yeah!

Dave: Unless I’m very wrong, a lot of democrats we’ll be looking to cut this guy loose. I mean, for them, impeachment is the smart move.

John Boehner: My gut tells me it’s too soon. Maybe in April.

Eric: Well, can we at least raise the issue of the White House sleep-overs?

John Boehner: Refresh my memory.

Panelist 1: The President said recently that his daughters will be inviting their friends over to the White House for sleep-overs.

John Boehner: Oh.

Dave: Look, it’s a dynamite issue! I mean, we’re talking about God knows how many 7 to 10-year-old girls staying over at the White House, wandering around, causing who knows how much wear and tear on the carpeting? I mean, to say nothing of the increased utility bills and the cost of the snacks involved? I mean, why should the American taxpayer be footing the bill for this madness?

Eric: Yeah. And, you know, unless I’m politically tone-deaf, the whole country is waiting to see those Obama kids taken down a peg. [ chuckles ] Especially the younger one.

John Boehner: I agree. Going after the Obama girls is political gold. But it’s got to be done very carefully. I’ll tell you why. Otherwise, there’s a chance it could be counter-productive. [ his phone rings ] Hang on. [ picks up ] Boehner. Ah. No, I see. Thank you for calling. [ hangs up ] That was Pelosi. They’re nowhere near finished, so they decided to adjourn for today.

Panelist 1: The entire Washington press corps is outside. What are we supposed to talk about?

Eric: How about the sleep-overs? It’s the perfect time.

[ everyone agrees ]

John Boehner: Young man, I like your instincts. Let’s do it!

[ everyone adjourns the room, except for DAH ] [ Boehner steps back in a moment later with a poster of the Obama daughters that reads “Where’s The Outrage?” ]

John Boehner: Majority, here we come!

Panelist 1: Oh, and before I forget… “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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