Republican Congressional Leadership Meeting
John Boehner…..Dan Aykroyd
Panelist 1…..Darrell Hammond
Panelist 2…..Kristen Wiig
[ open on exterior, Congress ]
[ SUPER: “Republican Congressional Leadership Meeting, Friday 11am” ]
[ dissolve to interior, conference room ]
John Boehner: [ on phone ] Well, please let us know, because we’re all here waiting. [ audience cheers ] Alright, here’s the deal: Pelosi says the Democratic House and the Senate members want to work out their version of the bill, and then show it to us for our input.
Panelist 1: So basically, we’re being cut out.
John Boehner: [ smiling ] Looks that way.
Eric: That’s great!
Tom: Perfect! They’re not letting us participate AT ALL!!
Panelist 2: It’s like we don’t even exist!
Dave: We’re totally powerless! [ high-fives ANS ]
John Boehner: You’re right. It’s just what we hoped for: Complete political irrelevance. Now… when the stimulus bill causes, you know, the economy to go bad, I think we could actually have a bad economy. We get to say, “Don’t blame us. We had nothing to do with it. “We wanted to leave the economy alone.”
Panelist 1: Exactly. Unless I’ve lost my political instincts, that, my friends, is a winning campaign issue.
Tom: Yep! Yep! So barring some miracle, next election we’re back in the majority.
John Boehner: You can take it to the bank.
Panelist 2: I can’t believe he’s playing into our hands like this.
Panelist 1: [ chuckling ] Speaking of playing into our hands, did anyone catch the President’s press conference this week? What a disaster!
Tom: The single most embarrassing public appearance by a U.S. President in history.
Dave: Did you see that first question, where he was asked about the state of the economy, and he proceeds to give a detailed seven-minute answer citing specific figures on unemployment, mortgage default rates, and credit markets… and making the case for government intervention. I’m like, “Okay, what?!”
Panelist 2: Hello! Too much information!
Panelist 1: You had me, then you lost me.
John Boehner: It was painful to watch.
Eric: Yeah, I mean, I actually felt sorry for the guy. I did.
Tom: I-I-I mean, if it was a fight, they would have stopped it.
John Boehner: And, and, and how about when he said, I kid you not, he actually said this: “One thing I’m not going to do is go back to the failed policies of the last eight years.”
Eric: [ guffaws ] Air ball!
Panelist 1: A swing and a miss!
Panelist 2: Definitely not his best moment.
Tom: Yeah! That one rolled foul!
Dave: Sean Hannity had a great line about the press conference. He said, “This is change we can believe in? “Not if you ask me.”
[ everyone laughs uproariously ]
Panelist 2: That is hilarious!
John Boehner: That’s a great line.
Dave: Hannity’s brilliant.
Eric: Yep, smartest man in America.
Tom: Now, wait a minute. Sean Hannity is the smartest man in America?
Eric: [ meekly ] In my opinion, yes.
Tom: [ laughs ] Smarter than Rush?
Eric: I think he’s as smart as Rush.
Tom: No, that’s idiotic! No! No one is as smart as Rush Limbaugh! NOBODY!! [ points his finger ] You need to take that back!
John Boehner: Hey, uh — a man’s entitled to his opinion.
Tom: No, I’m sorry, John, no! Some things are just beyond the pale.
John Boehner: Look, um — as Republicans, we don’t have to agree on everything. You like Rush, Eric here likes Sean, and someone else might like Michael Savage. We’re a big tent party, but at the end of the day we stick together, and that’s the reason we’re on such a hot streak.
Dave: I agree. Our party’s at the top of its game, and that’s why now is the perfect time for impeachment.
[ everyone echoes their agreemnt ]
Dave: We’re united. We’ll get EVERY Republican vote.
John Boehner: I don’t know, Dave. Remember… Obama’s only been president for three weeks.
Dave: I’m telling you, impeaching Obama is a political winner.
John Boehner: No question about that. I just wonder if you’re going to get many Democrats to vote for impeachment.
Dave: I think they will. I mean, after that press conference Monday? [ chuckles and holds his nose ] Pee-yoo!
Panelist 2: He laid an egg with that one.
Tom: Yeah! Yeah!
Dave: Unless I’m very wrong, a lot of democrats we’ll be looking to cut this guy loose. I mean, for them, impeachment is the smart move.
John Boehner: My gut tells me it’s too soon. Maybe in April.
Eric: Well, can we at least raise the issue of the White House sleep-overs?
John Boehner: Refresh my memory.
Panelist 1: The President said recently that his daughters will be inviting their friends over to the White House for sleep-overs.
John Boehner: Oh.
Dave: Look, it’s a dynamite issue! I mean, we’re talking about God knows how many 7 to 10-year-old girls staying over at the White House, wandering around, causing who knows how much wear and tear on the carpeting? I mean, to say nothing of the increased utility bills and the cost of the snacks involved? I mean, why should the American taxpayer be footing the bill for this madness?
Eric: Yeah. And, you know, unless I’m politically tone-deaf, the whole country is waiting to see those Obama kids taken down a peg. [ chuckles ] Especially the younger one.
John Boehner: I agree. Going after the Obama girls is political gold. But it’s got to be done very carefully. I’ll tell you why. Otherwise, there’s a chance it could be counter-productive. [ his phone rings ] Hang on. [ picks up ] Boehner. Ah. No, I see. Thank you for calling. [ hangs up ] That was Pelosi. They’re nowhere near finished, so they decided to adjourn for today.
Panelist 1: The entire Washington press corps is outside. What are we supposed to talk about?
Eric: How about the sleep-overs? It’s the perfect time.
[ everyone agrees ]
John Boehner: Young man, I like your instincts. Let’s do it!
[ everyone adjourns the room, except for DAH ]
[ Boehner steps back in a moment later with a poster of the Obama daughters that reads “Where’s The Outrage?” ]
John Boehner: Majority, here we come!
Panelist 1: Oh, and before I forget… “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”