SNL Transcripts: Alec Baldwin: 02/14/09: An SNL Digital Short


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 34: Episode 16

08p: Alec Baldwin / Jonas Brothers

An SNL Digital Short

…..Andy Samberg
…..Jonas Brothers
Wizard…..Bill Hader

(Scene opens with Jonas Brothers on a couch backstage. A door opens and Andy comes in.)

Andy Samberg: Well, hello.

Nick Jonas: Hey, Andy.

Kevin Jonas: What’s up, Andy?

Andy Samberg: What’s up? The jig — the jig is up.

Joe Jonas: (confused look) What are you talking about?

Andy Samberg: I’m talking about your secret. (Confused looks on the Jonas Brothers’ faces) I know what it is. And I have the VHS tape to prove it. (Walks over to put in the tape to find out that there is only a DVD player) Where’s you guys’ VCR?


Andy Samberg: You turds got anything to say before I play this?

(They also shake their heads)

Nick Jonas: No.

Andy Samberg: Ok. (Puts tape into the VCR)

(Shows a 80’s like music video of a band called Property of the Queen. Song title: “Struck by Lightning”)

Lead singer (supposedly Joe): (singing) “I got struck.. by lightningAnd it really hurt!I got struck.. BY LIGHTING!!…And I’m really, really burnt!If you want to know what happened to me, I’ll explain it all in depth.I got struck.. by lighting, BUT I’M NOT DEAD!!!!”

(Back to Andy)

Andy Samberg: Those guys looks familiar, wouldn’t you say?

Nick Jonas: I don’t know what you’re talking about, Andy.

Kevin Jonas: No.

Andy Samberg: This tape is from 1983!

Nick Jonas: Crazy.

Andy Samberg: Shall we watch another one?

(Shows another music video by the same band. Song title: “Africa”)

(Shows a drummer, then two of the three guitar players (Kevin and Nick). The one on the left turns a gazelle into the other guitar player. Shows two guys playing guitar (Nick and Will Forte). The lead singer doing a one arm pushup.)


(End of music video)

Andy Samberg: That’s from 25 years ago.

Nick Jonas: Really holds up.

Andy Samberg: (raises voice) That’s not the point!

(Joe makes a sound that shows that he’s not impressed)

Andy Samberg: What are you….highlanders?

Nick Jonas: Come on, man!

Andy Samberg: Ok.. let’s just watch another one then….just as fans.

(Shows another music video of the same band. Only three of them are present (Kevin, Joe, Nick) Song title: Our Secret. All three of them humming……)

All three of them: (singing) “Everlasting life..”

(Turn their heads and look in the same direction. End of music video)

(Back to Andy)

Andy Samberg: Busted! Just admit it.

Kevin Jonas: None of that stuff proves anything!

Andy Samberg: ONE MORE!

(Last video. Same band. Song title: “Ask the Wizard”. Screen shows a wizard)


Band: “Ask the Wizard!”

Lead Singer: “Dark secret that you’ll never tell……..”

Band: “Ask the Wizard!”

Lead Singer: ” Make a wish and he’ll cast a spell…..”

Band: “Ask the Wizard!”

Lead Singer: “Gonna rock one day on SNL………”

Band: “Ask the Wizard!”

Lead Singer: “Valentine’s Day show 2009!!!!!!!!”

(Screen shows “SNL VALENTINES DAY 2009”. Video ends)

(Back to Andy)

(Andy crossing his arms.)

(Quiet moment for four seconds…)

Nick Jonas: How much money do you want?

Joe and Kevin Jonas: (unison) Shut up. Nick!!

Nick Jonas: He knows.. I’m not gonna throw it all away!!

Andy Samberg: I don’t want your money…. I just wanna know how you stayed so young?

Kevin Jonas: This guy. (Kevin points to the left and the camera turns to the wizard sitting on the couch)

Wizard: (holding a bottle) What up, dude?

Andy Samberg: How are you?

Wizard: Crazy, right.

(End of skit)

Submitted by: Gracie Kudiwu

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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