SNL Transcripts: Dwayne Johnson: 03/07/09: Game Time with Dave and Greg


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 34: Episode 17

08q: Dwayne Johnson / Ray LaMontagne

Game Time with Dave and Greg

Dave Delmonte…..Dwayne Johnson
Greg…..Bill Hader
Caller 1…..Fred Armisen
Caller 2…..Darrell Hammond
Caller 3…..Bobby Moynihan
Caller 4…..Seth Meyers
Randy Dukes…..Kenan Thompson

[ title card ] [ dissolve to sports talk show set, featuring a jovial Dave seated next to a ?? Greg ]

Dave Delmonte: Hi! And welcome to another edition of “Game Time with Dave and Greg”, your one-stop shop for sports talk! I’m former NFL linebacker Dave Delmonte… and, with me, as always, is my co-host Greg — [ quickly ] Greg is not an alien! And, today, we’ve got just one topic: March Madness. We’re a week away from Selection Sunday. Who’s going to be in, and who’s going to be out? Let’s go to the phones. Caller, are you there?

Caller 1: Um, yeah, uh — this is Chuck in Seacaucus. Um — look, you guys, I love the show. I gotta say, Dave, you were wrong about O.U. I mean, wow, man, can you spell “upset”?

Dave Delmonte: Alright, alright! You got me! Way to go, Chuck!

Greg: [ in a deep, slow alien-like voice ] Way to goooooo… Chuck! [ laughs ]

Caller 1: Yeah, uh — I gotta say about Greg. The guy’s an alien, right? I mean, he talks weird, he’s got no eyebrows, he don’t know nothing about Earth, you know? I don’t — I — I love the show.

Dave Delmonte: Thank you, Caller! And Greg is NOT an alien!

Greg: [ laughs ] Way to goooooo… Chuck!

Dave Delmonte: [ pats Greg’s hand ] Shhhhh… We’re gonna take a break. Back in a few minutes with more “Game Time”!

[ cut to title graphic ]

Announcer: Do you love “Game Time”? Well, now you can love in twelve months a year, with the new “Game Time” calendar…

[ reveal calendar graphic, which flips to reveal posed photos of Dave and Greg from over the years. Note that Greg’s image remains consistent, while Dave physically ages over the years. ]

Announcer: …featuring classic photos from twenty-five years of America’s greatest sports show. Make EVERY month a slam dunk with the “Game Time” calendar! Greg is not an alien.

[ return to sports talk set ]

Dave Delmonte: [ leans in to whisper to Greg ] Also, you don’t have to call everyone Chuck.

Greg: Ohhhhh…

Dave Delmonte: We all have different names.

Greg: Riiiight.

Dave Delmonte: If you’re not sure, you just say “Hello.” Or — or “How do you do?”

Greg: “Hellooooo… howwwww do you do?”

Dave Delmonte: Yeah! That’s better, that’s better… [ a stagehand waves at them from off-camera ] Oh! We’re back! We’re back! Alright! Let’s open the phones again! Tom, from Buffalo!

Caller 2: Hi! The topic I want to talk about is Human Lessons, which I just saw you giving Greg coming out of the commercial.

Greg: Hey, Bob! That’s myyyyyyy tax-i-cab!

Caller 2: Okay. See? Now he’s just saying things he heard. Alright? Classic alien move. And here’s something else: he never ages! Those pictures from the calendar? He’s the same in every one! Because he’s an — [ a hang-up ]

Dave Delmonte: [ laughing nervously ] Whoo-oops! Must be some phone trouble! We’re just… moving on now!

[ Dave waves his arm and topples a glass of water onto Greg, who promptly begins to screech, freak out, and smoke profusely ]

Dave Delmonte: [ frantically ] Okay, okay, okay! Okay! Next caller! Next caller!! Next caller! Pat! Pat, from York, Pennsylvania!

Caller 3: Hey, hey! Uh — you know something? I gotta talk about what just happened with the water. I mean, you almost killed Greg, and it’s not the first time it’s happened. I mean, every week — water! [ hangs up ]

Dave Delmonte: Okay! One final caller. We’re talking March Madness, and ONLY March Madness! Joey, from Paramus. Go ahead.

Caller 4: Okay, so me and my buddies were just sitting here, and we think we’ve figured it out. So, okay: if Greg is an alien, we are now convinced.

Dave Delmonte: Greg is not an alien!

Caller 4: Oh, psh! He is! Everyone knows that! The only question is: why put him on a sports show? Now, my theory is: in order to live, he’s gotta eat human muscle. And who has more muscles than the athlete guests that come on your show — all of whom, might I add, disappear right after their interviews.

Dave Delmonte: [ unconvincingly ] They all go on vacation!

Caller 4: Dave, come on! You’re a grown man! I mean, look at ‘im — he’s got wings!

[ cut to close-up of Greg, who now sprouts lizard-like wings between his neck and shoulders ]

Caller 4: Hot all the way this year, ba-by!

Dave Delmonte: Thank you, Caller! Time for a commercial! When we come back, we’ll talk to our guest, one of the strongest offensive tackles for U.T. — Randy Dukes.

[ cut to Randy Dukes standing backstage. He scowls, then threateningly holds up a water bottle within Greg’s line of vision ] [ cut to Greg, who reacts to the water bottle by screeching and stretching out his fingers ] [ cut back to Dukes, who squeezes water from the bottle ]

Dave Delmonte: Stay tuned! Stay tuned!

[ title graphic ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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