Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 34: Episode 17
Game Time with Dave and Greg
Dave Delmonte…..Dwayne Johnson
Caller 1…..Fred Armisen
Caller 2…..Darrell Hammond
Caller 3…..Bobby Moynihan
Caller 4…..Seth Meyers
Randy Dukes…..Kenan Thompson
[ title card ] [ dissolve to sports talk show set, featuring a jovial Dave seated next to a ?? Greg ]
Dave Delmonte: Hi! And welcome to another edition of “Game Time with Dave and Greg”, your one-stop shop for sports talk! I’m former NFL linebacker Dave Delmonte… and, with me, as always, is my co-host Greg — [ quickly ] Greg is not an alien! And, today, we’ve got just one topic: March Madness. We’re a week away from Selection Sunday. Who’s going to be in, and who’s going to be out? Let’s go to the phones. Caller, are you there?
Caller 1: Um, yeah, uh — this is Chuck in Seacaucus. Um — look, you guys, I love the show. I gotta say, Dave, you were wrong about O.U. I mean, wow, man, can you spell “upset”?
Dave Delmonte: Alright, alright! You got me! Way to go, Chuck!
Greg: [ in a deep, slow alien-like voice ] Way to goooooo… Chuck! [ laughs ]
Caller 1: Yeah, uh — I gotta say about Greg. The guy’s an alien, right? I mean, he talks weird, he’s got no eyebrows, he don’t know nothing about Earth, you know? I don’t — I — I love the show.
Dave Delmonte: Thank you, Caller! And Greg is NOT an alien!
Greg: [ laughs ] Way to goooooo… Chuck!
Dave Delmonte: [ pats Greg’s hand ] Shhhhh… We’re gonna take a break. Back in a few minutes with more “Game Time”![ cut to title graphic ]
Announcer: Do you love “Game Time”? Well, now you can love in twelve months a year, with the new “Game Time” calendar…[ reveal calendar graphic, which flips to reveal posed photos of Dave and Greg from over the years. Note that Greg’s image remains consistent, while Dave physically ages over the years. ]
Announcer: …featuring classic photos from twenty-five years of America’s greatest sports show. Make EVERY month a slam dunk with the “Game Time” calendar! Greg is not an alien.
Dave Delmonte: [ leans in to whisper to Greg ] Also, you don’t have to call everyone Chuck.
Dave Delmonte: We all have different names.
Dave Delmonte: If you’re not sure, you just say “Hello.” Or — or “How do you do?”
Greg: “Hellooooo… howwwww do you do?”
Dave Delmonte: Yeah! That’s better, that’s better… [ a stagehand waves at them from off-camera ] Oh! We’re back! We’re back! Alright! Let’s open the phones again! Tom, from Buffalo!
Caller 2: Hi! The topic I want to talk about is Human Lessons, which I just saw you giving Greg coming out of the commercial.
Greg: Hey, Bob! That’s myyyyyyy tax-i-cab!
Caller 2: Okay. See? Now he’s just saying things he heard. Alright? Classic alien move. And here’s something else: he never ages! Those pictures from the calendar? He’s the same in every one! Because he’s an — [ a hang-up ]
Dave Delmonte: [ laughing nervously ] Whoo-oops! Must be some phone trouble! We’re just… moving on now![ Dave waves his arm and topples a glass of water onto Greg, who promptly begins to screech, freak out, and smoke profusely ]
Dave Delmonte: [ frantically ] Okay, okay, okay! Okay! Next caller! Next caller!! Next caller! Pat! Pat, from York, Pennsylvania!
Caller 3: Hey, hey! Uh — you know something? I gotta talk about what just happened with the water. I mean, you almost killed Greg, and it’s not the first time it’s happened. I mean, every week — water! [ hangs up ]
Dave Delmonte: Okay! One final caller. We’re talking March Madness, and ONLY March Madness! Joey, from Paramus. Go ahead.
Caller 4: Okay, so me and my buddies were just sitting here, and we think we’ve figured it out. So, okay: if Greg is an alien, we are now convinced.
Dave Delmonte: Greg is not an alien!
Caller 4: Oh, psh! He is! Everyone knows that! The only question is: why put him on a sports show? Now, my theory is: in order to live, he’s gotta eat human muscle. And who has more muscles than the athlete guests that come on your show — all of whom, might I add, disappear right after their interviews.
Dave Delmonte: [ unconvincingly ] They all go on vacation!
Caller 4: Dave, come on! You’re a grown man! I mean, look at ‘im — he’s got wings![ cut to close-up of Greg, who now sprouts lizard-like wings between his neck and shoulders ]
Caller 4: Hot all the way this year, ba-by!
Dave Delmonte: Thank you, Caller! Time for a commercial! When we come back, we’ll talk to our guest, one of the strongest offensive tackles for U.T. — Randy Dukes.[ cut to Randy Dukes standing backstage. He scowls, then threateningly holds up a water bottle within Greg’s line of vision ] [ cut to Greg, who reacts to the water bottle by screeching and stretching out his fingers ] [ cut back to Dukes, who squeezes water from the bottle ]
Dave Delmonte: Stay tuned! Stay tuned![ title graphic ] [ fade ]