Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 34: Episode 17
Brother 1….Fred Armisen
Brother 2….Dwayne Johnson
Newlyweds….Bobby Moynihan, Michaela Watkins
Boston couple….Bill Hader, Casey Wilson
Young couple….Andy Samberg, Kristen Wiig
Middle age man….Darrell Hammond
Young dudes….Jason Sudeikis, Kenan Thompson
Couple by the bar….Will Forte, Abby Elliott
(Opens with shot of a beach resort in Hawaii, cut to inside of the resort restaurant)
(Two guys wearing flowered colored Hawaiian shirts and dried grass skirts are the night’s entertainment. One plays an ukulele, the other one dances and sings a traditional Hawaiian song. They approach one of the tables.)
Brothers: (sings) Ah, no, ah, no eh, ke, le, me, neh, ah, ah, no, ah, no, meh, me, ne he leh, ah, no, ah, no, me tu lu me ne,he, leh.
Brother 1: Aloha, welcome to the island of Hawaii.
(Newlyweds enjoy traditional exotic drinks)
Newlywed Husband: Thank you, thank you.
Newlywed Wife: We’re on our honeymoon!
Brother 2: Awww, how sweet.
Brother 1: Yeah, honeymoon in Hawaii…that’s original.
Newlywed Husband: (unsure) Well, thanks.
Newlywed Wife: Must be fun working here, huh?
Brother 1: Oh, great. They make us wear grass skirts…
Brother 2: We play the same song over and over…
Brother 1: We make $7 an hour. Its a dream job.
Newlywed Wife: Well, Hawaii is a beautiful place to live.
Brother 1: You should’ve seen it before it was covered in hotels.
Brother 2: Yes, this is a fun fact from Hawaii. Our biggest export is coffee and our biggest import is fat, white people.
(Newlywed husband touches his belly. The Brothers break into their song)
Brothers:(sing) Ah, no, ah, no….
(They get to another couple’s table)
Brother 2: Aloha.
Boston Man: Aloha!
Brother 1: Where are you guys from?
Boston Woman: Boston.
Brother 1: Boston. Let me ask you guys a question. When you guys go to a restaurant in Boston, is it acceptable to wear Crocs and a bathing suit?
Boston Man: What?
Brother 2: Well, you know, in Hawaii we have a name for people like you. Garbage.
(They leave the insulted Boston couple and break into their traditional song)
Brothers:(sing) Ah, no, ah, no….
(Brothers arrive at a young couple’s table)
Brother 2: Hey, how are you guys tonight?
Young Man: We’re great.
Young Woman: This place is so peaceful. You must love living here.
Brother 1: Its peaceful. Its peaceful in your ocean front resorts. My brother and I here, live 15 miles inland. Yeah, there’s a rusty pick-up truck with weeds growing out of it. That’s our house.
Brother 2: Yeah, you want to come visit? Its real easy to get to. You just drive through the shanty town, make a right on the meth lab and you’ll see a 15 year old who got pregnant by an out of town businessman. Then ask for his brother. That’s me.
(They leave the stunned young couple and break into their traditional song)
Brothers:(sing) Ah, no, ah, no…..
(Brothers get close to a middle-age man in a suit sitting alone in his table)
Middle-aged Man: Skip me, please. I hate this kind of thing. Squeegee musicians. Skip me!
Brother 1: Ok
Brother 2: Ok.
Brother 1: I can respect that.
Brother 2: Respect, respect that.
Brothers: (sings) Ah, no, ah, no…
(They continue down to a young dude’s table. The young dudes wear traditional leis around their necks)
Young Dude 1: Hey, guys, guys…check it out. Leis! (shows his leis, grins)
Young Dude 2: Yeah, the second we got out the plane we got “lei’d” (cracks himself him, high five’s his partner)
(Brother 2 spills their exotic drinks in their laps. Resume the traditional song)
Brothers: (sing) Ah, no, ah, no….
(The Brothers approach a young couple by the bar singing and dancing)
Young man at the bar: Wow, you guys are great.
Young woman at the bar: I love your traditional dance. What does it mean?
Brother 2: Oh, well, it means I dropped out of high school so now I got to dance like a monkey in front of you people.
Brother 1: You guys probably assume that Hawaiians are uneducated. Its not like our President is Hawaiian or anything.
Young woman at the bar: Barack Obama? Isn’t he from Illinois?
Brother 2: (about to break her face) You know what?!
Brother 1: (holds his brother back) Hold on, hold on, hold on. Its ok, its ok. She knows, now she knows.
Young man at the bar: (afraid) Anyway, aloha.
Brother 2: Oh wow, (mockingly) “Aloha”. You know, you really made an effort to learn our language.
Brother 1: Yeah, you know, aloha has multiple meanings.
Brother 2: Yeah, it means hello, goodbye and suck it!
Brother 1: Yeah, so aloha.
Brother 2: Yeah, aloha HARD!
(Brothers break into their traditional song and dance)
Brothers: (sing) Ah, no, ah, no…
Brother 1: You know, I think our shifts are over now.
Brother 2: Yeah, too bad, brother. I was having fun.
Brother 1: Yeah, I really like those people.
Brother 2: Yeah…
(Brother 2 goes to the young dude’s table and spills their new drinks in their laps again. The brothers go out the door playing their traditional tune)
(cheers and applause)
Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel