SNL Transcripts: Dwayne Johnson: 03/07/09: Lighthouse Date


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 34: Episode 17

08q: Dwayne Johnson / Ray LaMontagne

Lighthouse Date

Guy…..Dwayne Johnson
Date…..Kristen Wiig
Captain…..Will Forte
First Mate…..Andy Samberg
Sailor 1…..Bill Hader
Sailor 2…..Bobby Moynihan
Jet Skiier…..Jason Sudeikis

[ open on night exterior, lighthouse on cliff ] [ dissolve to interior, as Guy brings Date up to the top of the lighthouse ]

Guy: So! This is my place!

Date: [ impressed ] Wow! You live in a lighthouse? This is SO romantic!

Guy: Yeah, uh, I’m kind of the Don Juan of marine safety!

Date: [ giggles ] Ooh, I’ll be the judge of that!

[ Guy moves in to kiss his date, then he stops ]

Guy: You know what? Hold on. Let me just… set the mood.

Date: Okay.

[ he shuts the beacon light off ]

Date: That’s better!

[ suddenly, a crash sounds below ] [ cut to the jagged rocks below, where a Captain and his First Mate lie sprawled on their backs as waves splash upon them ]

Captain: Oh, Krewe of Poseidon!! We’ve been scuttleholed!!

First Mate: The rocks came out of nowheres!! Why didn’t anyone warn us?!

[ cut back to the romantic setting of the lighthouse ]

Guy: You know what? I’m just gonna turn this light back on. [ he flips the switch ] Now… where were we?

[ cut back to the jagged rocks below ]

Captain: Pleeeeeease!! If anyone can hear us… sing out!!

First Mate: Captain! The beacon! It shines!

Captain: But, WHERE was it before?! Ohhh, what evil trick is this?!!

[ cut back to the romantic setting of the lighthouse ]

Date: Do you hear that? It sounds like screaming.

Guy: I… hear my… heart screaming… that it wants you.

[ she blushes ]

Guy: Let me throw on a little music. [ he turns the stereo on, as salsa music emerges ] Do you like salsa?

Date: [ she laughs coyly ] I like eating it!

Guy: [ he laughs ] Well, then I hope your ears are hungry!

[ he claps his hands to the music, but the beacon light shuts off ]

Date: What happened?

Guy: I guess this lighthouse is hooked up to The Clapper. That’s weird.

[ another crash sounds below ]

Voice: Our ship’s been torn asunder!!

Date: Did someone just yell… rocks?

[ cut back to the jagged rocks below, a pair of sailors now spread across the captain and his first mate ]

Sailor 1: St. Elmo has forsaken us!! Our vessel is ruined!!

Sailor 2: But what of the lighthouse?! Is no one manning it?!

Captain: Ayeee!!! The Devil himself!!!

[ cut back to the romantic setting of the lighthouse ]

Guy: M-maybe I should just keep this on. [ he flips the beacon light back on ]

Date: Are you sure there’s no one down there?

Guy: No! It — it’s whales, and… and they say the only way to calm them is with the sound of two near-strangers making love. [ his date swoons ] But they’ll also, uh, accept a B.J.

Date: I’m gonna go down there.

Guy: Ah, that’s what I like to hear! [ he begins to pull his shirt out of his pants ] Oh, wait… you mean, to go check on the people. I mean, the WHALES! I agree! But, before you do… let’s have a drink. Do you like, uh, margaritas?

Date: No. I adore them.

Guy: [ he chuckles ] One margarita coming up!

[ he starts the blender, which causes an electrical short in the lighthouse that culminates in the beacon light shutting off again ] [ another crash sounds below ]


Date: [ astonished ] Okay, now what was that?!

[ cut back to the jagged rocks below, a jetskiier now moored aside the captain, his first mate, and the sailors ]

Jetskiier: HEY!! How am I — [ a wave splashes him across the face ] How am I supposed to take a midnight jet ski if there’s no lighthouse?!

Captain: Steel yourelf, men!! There’s a sea beast about us!!

Sailor 1: Run ‘im through!!!

[ they all begin to attack the jetskiier with various pieces of timber from their boats ] [ cut back to the romantic setting of the lighthouse ]

Date: Okay, someone clearly needs help!

Guy: You’re — you’re right — you’re right! We should organize a search party. [ a beat ] I’m gonna check underneath that dress.

Date: [ she points a finger at him ] I do not like your double entendres — I love them! And I don’t care if there are whales down there, ’cause the only whale in here is gonna be you wailing on my fanny.

[ cut back to the jagged rocks below, where the jetskiier lies dead across his vessel ]

Captain: What in Davey Jones’ locker is going on that lighthouse?!

[ they all scream as the waves pound harder upon them ]

First Mate: What do we do now, Captain?

Captain: We wait here — FOR DEATH!!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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