Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 34: Episode 17
First Mate…..Andy Samberg
Sailor 1…..Bill Hader
Sailor 2…..Bobby Moynihan
Jet Skiier…..Jason Sudeikis
[ open on night exterior, lighthouse on cliff ] [ dissolve to interior, as Guy brings Date up to the top of the lighthouse ]
Guy: So! This is my place!
Date: [ impressed ] Wow! You live in a lighthouse? This is SO romantic!
Guy: Yeah, uh, I’m kind of the Don Juan of marine safety!
Date: [ giggles ] Ooh, I’ll be the judge of that![ Guy moves in to kiss his date, then he stops ]
Guy: You know what? Hold on. Let me just… set the mood.
Date: Okay.[ he shuts the beacon light off ]
Date: That’s better![ suddenly, a crash sounds below ] [ cut to the jagged rocks below, where a Captain and his First Mate lie sprawled on their backs as waves splash upon them ]
Captain: Oh, Krewe of Poseidon!! We’ve been scuttleholed!!
First Mate: The rocks came out of nowheres!! Why didn’t anyone warn us?!
Guy: You know what? I’m just gonna turn this light back on. [ he flips the switch ] Now… where were we?[ cut back to the jagged rocks below ]
Captain: Pleeeeeease!! If anyone can hear us… sing out!!
First Mate: Captain! The beacon! It shines!
Captain: But, WHERE was it before?! Ohhh, what evil trick is this?!![ cut back to the romantic setting of the lighthouse ]
Date: Do you hear that? It sounds like screaming.
Guy: I… hear my… heart screaming… that it wants you.
Guy: Let me throw on a little music. [ he turns the stereo on, as salsa music emerges ] Do you like salsa?
Date: [ she laughs coyly ] I like eating it!
Guy: [ he laughs ] Well, then I hope your ears are hungry![ he claps his hands to the music, but the beacon light shuts off ]
Date: What happened?
Guy: I guess this lighthouse is hooked up to The Clapper. That’s weird.
Voice: Our ship’s been torn asunder!!
Date: Did someone just yell… rocks?[ cut back to the jagged rocks below, a pair of sailors now spread across the captain and his first mate ]
Sailor 1: St. Elmo has forsaken us!! Our vessel is ruined!!
Sailor 2: But what of the lighthouse?! Is no one manning it?!
Captain: Ayeee!!! The Devil himself!!!
Guy: M-maybe I should just keep this on. [ he flips the beacon light back on ]
Date: Are you sure there’s no one down there?
Guy: No! It — it’s whales, and… and they say the only way to calm them is with the sound of two near-strangers making love. [ his date swoons ] But they’ll also, uh, accept a B.J.
Date: I’m gonna go down there.
Guy: Ah, that’s what I like to hear! [ he begins to pull his shirt out of his pants ] Oh, wait… you mean, to go check on the people. I mean, the WHALES! I agree! But, before you do… let’s have a drink. Do you like, uh, margaritas?
Date: No. I adore them.
Guy: [ he chuckles ] One margarita coming up![ he starts the blender, which causes an electrical short in the lighthouse that culminates in the beacon light shutting off again ] [ another crash sounds below ]
Voice: WHAT THE HELL?!!
Date: [ astonished ] Okay, now what was that?![ cut back to the jagged rocks below, a jetskiier now moored aside the captain, his first mate, and the sailors ]
Jetskiier: HEY!! How am I — [ a wave splashes him across the face ] How am I supposed to take a midnight jet ski if there’s no lighthouse?!
Captain: Steel yourelf, men!! There’s a sea beast about us!!
Sailor 1: Run ‘im through!!![ they all begin to attack the jetskiier with various pieces of timber from their boats ] [ cut back to the romantic setting of the lighthouse ]
Date: Okay, someone clearly needs help!
Guy: You’re — you’re right — you’re right! We should organize a search party. [ a beat ] I’m gonna check underneath that dress.
Date: [ she points a finger at him ] I do not like your double entendres — I love them! And I don’t care if there are whales down there, ’cause the only whale in here is gonna be you wailing on my fanny.[ cut back to the jagged rocks below, where the jetskiier lies dead across his vessel ]
Captain: What in Davey Jones’ locker is going on that lighthouse?![ they all scream as the waves pound harder upon them ]
First Mate: What do we do now, Captain?
Captain: We wait here — FOR DEATH!![ fade ]