Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 34: Episode 17
MacGyver… Richard Dean Anderson
Mrs. MacGyver…..Abby Elliott
[FADE IN on the ends of two electric wires as a spark jumps between them. CUT among various shots of pontoon planes, hands tinkering with materials, and exploding buildings.]
Making life-saving inventions out of household materials!
Getting in and out of ultra-sticky situations!
The guys a freakin genius!”
Singers: “MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!”[CUT to a toxic oil refinery. SUPERIMPOSE caption, “Toxic Oil Refinery.” CUT to a sign marked “Oil Refinery Control Room” as sirens wail.]
Vicky: [struggling with locked door] MacGruber, this door is welded shut! And from the looks of that dynamite we’ve got exactly 20 seconds!
MacGruber: Okay, just stay calm, because everything I need to defuse this bomb is inside this room… Vicky, toss me that pen cap!
Vicky: On the way, MacGruber!
MacGruber: New guy! What’s your name again?
MacGyver: [he turns around] MacGyver.
MacGruber: MacGyver? that’s a stupid name… MacGyver! Pass me that thumbtack!
MacGyver: I’d go with the gum wrapper.
MacGruber: Aaaanndd… I care about what you’re saying, because…?
MacGyver: I’m just saying, I’d do it a little differently.
MacGruber: Well, MacGyver, you’re not MacGruber!
MacGyver: [ smugly ] That’s what you think.
MacGruber: What’s that supposed to mean?
Vicky: Ten seconds!
MacGyver: [ dramatically ] It was a… cold, December night…[ dissolve to flashback sequence: “Abandoned Hospital 1972” ] [ cut to interior, hospital room, the same set as the Oil Refinery Control Room ]
Doctor: It’s a boy, Mr. MacGyver. [ hands the baby to its mother ] What are you going to call him?
MacGyver: [ proudly ] MacGruber!
Doctor: [ confused ] MacGruber MacGyver?[ Mrs. MacGyver rolls her eyes as well ]
MacGyver: The perfect name for the perfect baby!
Assistant: Three seconds, MacGyver![ Hydrogen Sensor needle bounces from OK to DANGER ]
MacGyver: [ grabs his newborn son ] Don’t you worry, MacGruber! Nothing bad is ever going to happen to you! Not on my watc —[CUT to the abandoned hospital exploding and spewing smoke everywhere.]
Singers: MACGYVER-RRR!!!!![ dissolve back to MacGruber looking at a photograph of himself as a toddler with MacGyver ]
MacGruber: Dickh —[CUT to the oil refinery exploding and spewing smoke everywhere.]
Singers: MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!![ fade ]