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Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 34: Episode 17
08q: Dwayne Johnson / Ray LaMontagne
MacGruber
MacGruber…..Will Forte
Vicky…..Kristen Wiig
MacGyver… Richard Dean Anderson
Doctor…..Jason Sudeikis
Mrs. MacGyver…..Abby Elliott
Assistant…..Michaela Watkins
Singers:
“MacGruber!
Making life-saving inventions out of household materials!
MacGruber!
Getting in and out of ultra-sticky situations!
MacGruber!
The guys a freakin genius!”
Singers: “MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!”
[CUT to a toxic oil refinery. SUPERIMPOSE caption, “Toxic Oil Refinery.” CUT to a sign marked “Oil Refinery Control Room” as sirens wail.]Vicky: [struggling with locked door] MacGruber, this door is welded shut! And from the looks of that dynamite we’ve got exactly 20 seconds!
MacGruber: Okay, just stay calm, because everything I need to defuse this bomb is inside this room… Vicky, toss me that pen cap!
Vicky: On the way, MacGruber!
MacGruber: New guy! What’s your name again?
MacGyver: [he turns around] MacGyver.
MacGruber: MacGyver? that’s a stupid name… MacGyver! Pass me that thumbtack!
MacGyver: I’d go with the gum wrapper.
MacGruber: Aaaanndd… I care about what you’re saying, because…?
MacGyver: I’m just saying, I’d do it a little differently.
MacGruber: Well, MacGyver, you’re not MacGruber!
MacGyver: [ smugly ] That’s what you think.
MacGruber: What’s that supposed to mean?
Vicky: Ten seconds!
MacGyver: [ dramatically ] It was a… cold, December night…
[ dissolve to flashback sequence: “Abandoned Hospital 1972” ] [ cut to interior, hospital room, the same set as the Oil Refinery Control Room ]Doctor: It’s a boy, Mr. MacGyver. [ hands the baby to its mother ] What are you going to call him?
MacGyver: [ proudly ] MacGruber!
Doctor: [ confused ] MacGruber MacGyver?
[ Mrs. MacGyver rolls her eyes as well ]MacGyver: The perfect name for the perfect baby!
Assistant: Three seconds, MacGyver!
[ Hydrogen Sensor needle bounces from OK to DANGER ]MacGyver: [ grabs his newborn son ] Don’t you worry, MacGruber! Nothing bad is ever going to happen to you! Not on my watc —
Singers: MACGYVER-RRR!!!!!
[ dissolve back to MacGruber looking at a photograph of himself as a toddler with MacGyver ]MacGruber: Dickh —
[CUT to the oil refinery exploding and spewing smoke everywhere.]Singers: MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!