SNL Transcripts: Dwayne Johnson: 03/07/09: MacGruber

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 17





08q: Dwayne Johnson / Ray LaMontagne

MacGruber

MacGruber…..Will Forte
Vicky…..Kristen Wiig
MacGyver… Richard Dean Anderson
Doctor…..Jason Sudeikis
Mrs. MacGyver…..Abby Elliott
Assistant…..Michaela Watkins

[FADE IN on the ends of two electric wires as a spark jumps between them. CUT among various shots of pontoon planes, hands tinkering with materials, and exploding buildings.]

Singers:
“MacGruber!
Making life-saving inventions out of household materials!
MacGruber!
Getting in and out of ultra-sticky situations!
MacGruber!
The guy’s a freakin’ genius!”

[CUT to MacGruber in a karate pose against footage of flames.]

Singers: “MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!”

[CUT to a toxic oil refinery. SUPERIMPOSE caption, “Toxic Oil Refinery.” CUT to a sign marked “Oil Refinery Control Room” as sirens wail.]

Vicky: [struggling with locked door] MacGruber, this door is welded shut! And from the looks of that dynamite we’ve got exactly 20 seconds!

MacGruber: Okay, just stay calm, because everything I need to defuse this bomb is inside this room… Vicky, toss me that pen cap!

Vicky: On the way, MacGruber!

MacGruber: New guy! What’s your name again?

MacGyver: [he turns around] MacGyver.

MacGruber: MacGyver? that’s a stupid name… MacGyver! Pass me that thumbtack!

MacGyver: I’d go with the gum wrapper.

MacGruber: Aaaanndd… I care about what you’re saying, because…?

MacGyver: I’m just saying, I’d do it a little differently.

MacGruber: Well, MacGyver, you’re not MacGruber!

MacGyver: [ smugly ] That’s what you think.

MacGruber: What’s that supposed to mean?

Vicky: Ten seconds!

MacGyver: [ dramatically ] It was a… cold, December night…

[ dissolve to flashback sequence: “Abandoned Hospital 1972” ] [ cut to interior, hospital room, the same set as the Oil Refinery Control Room ]

Doctor: It’s a boy, Mr. MacGyver. [ hands the baby to its mother ] What are you going to call him?

MacGyver: [ proudly ] MacGruber!

Doctor: [ confused ] MacGruber MacGyver?

[ Mrs. MacGyver rolls her eyes as well ]

MacGyver: The perfect name for the perfect baby!

Assistant: Three seconds, MacGyver!

[ Hydrogen Sensor needle bounces from OK to DANGER ]

MacGyver: [ grabs his newborn son ] Don’t you worry, MacGruber! Nothing bad is ever going to happen to you! Not on my watc —

[CUT to the abandoned hospital exploding and spewing smoke everywhere.]

Singers: MACGYVER-RRR!!!!!

[ dissolve back to MacGruber looking at a photograph of himself as a toddler with MacGyver ]

MacGruber: Dickh —

[CUT to the oil refinery exploding and spewing smoke everywhere.]

Singers: MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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