SNL Transcripts: Dwayne Johnson: 03/07/09: MacGruber II

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 34: Episode 17

08q: Dwayne Johnson / Ray LaMontagne

MacGruber II

MacGruber…..Will Forte
Vicky…..Kristen Wiig
MacGyver… Richard Dean Anderson
Mrs. MacGyver…..Abby Elliott
Assistant…..Michaela Watkins

[FADE IN on the ends of two electric wires as a spark jumps between them. CUT among various shots of pontoon planes, hands tinkering with materials, and exploding buildings.]

He’s working with his dad now, and they’ve never been closer!
They’ve even been talking about sharing an apartment!
MacGyver is the perfect dad!”

[CUT to MacGruber and MacGyver arm in arm against footage of flames.]

Singers: “MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!”

[CUT to smuggler’s compound. SUPERIMPOSE caption, “Smuggler’s Compound.” CUT to a sign marked “Compound Control Room” as sirens wail.]

MacGyver: [struggling with locked door] MacGruber! There’s no way out!

Vicky: And from the looks of that C4 explosive, we’ve only got 20 seconds!

MacGruber: Don’t worry, guys! Nothing bad will ever happen to you! Not on my watch. [ he smiles at MacGyver; MacGyver gives him a thumbs-up ] Vicky! Hand me that piece of chalk!

Vicky: You’ve got it, MacGruber!

MacGruber: Okay, Dad — that gum wrapper!

MacGyver: Here you go, MacGruber! Turn it over, I… wrote you a little note. [ he smiles sheepishly ]

MacGruber: [ reads, then smiles ] I love you, too, Daddy! [ they exchange smiles ] Vicky! Hand me that toothpick!

Vicky: You got it!

MacGruber: Okay, Dad! How much do you love me: a bunchy-bunch, or a little itty-bitty-bitty?

MacGyver: A bunchy-bunch, MacGruber!

MacGruber: Great! Okay, Vicky — wait! [ to MacGyver ] Then, why did you abandon me?

MacGyver: Well, MacGruber, it’s a long story.

MacGruber: We’ve got time.

Vicky: Ten seconds!!

MacGyver: [ dramatically ] It was a cold, December night…

[ dissolve to flashback sequence: “MacGyver Home 1973” ] [ cut to interior, MacGyver home, the same set as the Compound Control Room ] [ MacGyver, his bags packed, heads for the door ]

Mrs. MacGyver: Why are you leaving?

MacGyver: To start a new life, with Lacey.

Mrs. MacGyver: Lacey?

MacGyver: Yes. The perfect name… for the perfect stripper. [ Mrs. MacGyber rolls her eyes ] But, don’t worry. Nothing bad will ever happen ro her — not on my watch.

Assistant: Three seconds, MacGyver!

[ MacGyver turns for the door and jiggles the handle ]

MacGyver: The door’s locked.

[CUT to the MacGyver home exploding and spewing smoke everywhere.]

Singers: MACGYVER-RRR!!!!!

[ dissolve back to MacGruber looking stunned ]

MacGruber: My God… my dad’s a dick!

MacGyver: I’m out of here!

[ MacGyver turns for the door and jiggles the handle ]

MacGyver: The door’s locked.

[CUT to the smuggler’s compound exploding and spewing smoke everywhere.]

Singers: MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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