SNL Transcripts: Dwayne Johnson: 03/07/09: MacGruber II

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 17





08q: Dwayne Johnson / Ray LaMontagne

MacGruber II

MacGruber…..Will Forte
Vicky…..Kristen Wiig
MacGyver… Richard Dean Anderson
Mrs. MacGyver…..Abby Elliott
Assistant…..Michaela Watkins

[FADE IN on the ends of two electric wires as a spark jumps between them. CUT among various shots of pontoon planes, hands tinkering with materials, and exploding buildings.]

Singers:
“MacGruber!
He’s working with his dad now, and they’ve never been closer!
MacGruber!
They’ve even been talking about sharing an apartment!
MacGruber!
MacGyver is the perfect dad!”

[CUT to MacGruber and MacGyver arm in arm against footage of flames.]

Singers: “MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!”

[CUT to smuggler’s compound. SUPERIMPOSE caption, “Smuggler’s Compound.” CUT to a sign marked “Compound Control Room” as sirens wail.]

MacGyver: [struggling with locked door] MacGruber! There’s no way out!

Vicky: And from the looks of that C4 explosive, we’ve only got 20 seconds!

MacGruber: Don’t worry, guys! Nothing bad will ever happen to you! Not on my watch. [ he smiles at MacGyver; MacGyver gives him a thumbs-up ] Vicky! Hand me that piece of chalk!

Vicky: You’ve got it, MacGruber!

MacGruber: Okay, Dad — that gum wrapper!

MacGyver: Here you go, MacGruber! Turn it over, I… wrote you a little note. [ he smiles sheepishly ]

MacGruber: [ reads, then smiles ] I love you, too, Daddy! [ they exchange smiles ] Vicky! Hand me that toothpick!

Vicky: You got it!

MacGruber: Okay, Dad! How much do you love me: a bunchy-bunch, or a little itty-bitty-bitty?

MacGyver: A bunchy-bunch, MacGruber!

MacGruber: Great! Okay, Vicky — wait! [ to MacGyver ] Then, why did you abandon me?

MacGyver: Well, MacGruber, it’s a long story.

MacGruber: We’ve got time.

Vicky: Ten seconds!!

MacGyver: [ dramatically ] It was a cold, December night…

[ dissolve to flashback sequence: “MacGyver Home 1973” ]

[ cut to interior, MacGyver home, the same set as the Compound Control Room ]

[ MacGyver, his bags packed, heads for the door ]

Mrs. MacGyver: Why are you leaving?

MacGyver: To start a new life, with Lacey.

Mrs. MacGyver: Lacey?

MacGyver: Yes. The perfect name… for the perfect stripper. [ Mrs. MacGyber rolls her eyes ] But, don’t worry. Nothing bad will ever happen ro her — not on my watch.

Assistant: Three seconds, MacGyver!

[ MacGyver turns for the door and jiggles the handle ]

MacGyver: The door’s locked.

[CUT to the MacGyver home exploding and spewing smoke everywhere.]

Singers: MACGYVER-RRR!!!!!

[ dissolve back to MacGruber looking stunned ]

MacGruber: My God… my dad’s a dick!

MacGyver: I’m out of here!

[ MacGyver turns for the door and jiggles the handle ]

MacGyver: The door’s locked.

[CUT to the smuggler’s compound exploding and spewing smoke everywhere.]

Singers: MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!

[ fade ]

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