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Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 34: Episode 17
08q: Dwayne Johnson / Ray LaMontagne
MacGruber III
MacGruber…..Will Forte
Vicky…..Kristen Wiig
MacGyver… Richard Dean Anderson
[FADE IN on the ends of two electric wires as a spark jumps between them. CUT among various shots of pontoon planes, hands tinkering with materials, and exploding buildings.]
Singers:
“MacGruber!
Their father-son relationship has gone into the dumper!
MacGruber!
He wishes that his dad had reversed his vasectomy!
MacGruber!
His dad’s a freakin’ butt-hole!”
[CUT to MacGyver in a karate pose against footage of flames, as MacGruber flips him off from behind and reverts to thumbs-up when MacGyver suddenly turns around.]
Singers: “MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!”
[CUT to an hijacked cocaine tanker. SUPERIMPOSE caption, “Hijacked Cocaine Tanker.” CUT to a sign marked “Tanker Control Room” as sirens wail.]
MacGyver: [struggling with locked door] It’s locked!
Vicky: That’s not all, MacGruber! From the looks of that dirty bomb, we’ve got exactly twenty seconds!!
MacGruber: Okay, don’t worry, Vicky, because I will get the two of us out of here! [ MacGyver rolls his eyes ] Now, hand me that electrical wire!
Vicky: Here you go, MacGruber!
MacGruber: Okay! Vicky! Tell the person on your right to hand me that paperclip, and tell him to go take a long walk off a very short pier.
MacGyver: [ handing her the paperclip ] Vicky… tell the person who asked for this that his mother and I always wanted a girl, and we were delighted we got one.
[ MacGruber laughs condescendingly ]
Vicky: Okay, here, MacGruber. [ hands over the paperclip ]
MacGruber: Okay, Vicky — tell the same guy that, when he dies, I will scatter his ashes in my toilet, and then I will scatter something else over that.
MacGyver: Oh, good! I hope you do!
MacGruber: GOOD! Then, I will!
MacGyver: GOOD!!
MacGruber: GOOD!!!
MacGyver: GOOD!!!!
MacGruber: GOOD!!!!!
MacGyver: GOOD!!!!!!
MacGruber: I will NEVER… EVER!! forgive you!!!
MacGyver: GOOD!! I hope you don’t!!
[ Vicky stares disjointedly at the two men. The tension is so thick it can be cut with a knife made from a paperclip. ]
MacGruber: Let’s get back to the…
[CUT to the tanker exploding and spewing smoke everywhere.]
Singers: MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!
[CUT to outerspace scene, as a spaceport drifts past. SUPERIMPOSE caption, “spaceport 2040.” CUT to a sign marked “Space Port Control Room”.]
Vicky: MacGruber, I’m… sorry for your loss. Your dad was a good man.
MacGruber: [ solemn ] Yeah. I was just thinking about something I said about him in anger, long ago.
Vicky: Um… do you want some alone time?
MacGruber: No. I want you to be here for this.
[ reveal longshot of MacGruber seated on toilet ] Goodbye, Dad. [ he pushes the urn between his legs, then flushes ]
[ a moment of silence ]
MacGruber: Now, where were we?
Vicky: One second, MacGruber!!!
[ MacGruber jumps to his feet, his bare ass dangling in the wind ]
[CUT to the spaceport exploding and spewing smoke everywhere.]
Singers: MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!
[ fade ]
