Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 34: Episode 17
MacGyver… Richard Dean Anderson
[FADE IN on the ends of two electric wires as a spark jumps between them. CUT among various shots of pontoon planes, hands tinkering with materials, and exploding buildings.]
Their father-son relationship has gone into the dumper!
He wishes that his dad had reversed his vasectomy!
His dad’s a freakin’ butt-hole!”
Singers: “MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!”[CUT to an hijacked cocaine tanker. SUPERIMPOSE caption, “Hijacked Cocaine Tanker.” CUT to a sign marked “Tanker Control Room” as sirens wail.]
MacGyver: [struggling with locked door] It’s locked!
Vicky: That’s not all, MacGruber! From the looks of that dirty bomb, we’ve got exactly twenty seconds!!
MacGruber: Okay, don’t worry, Vicky, because I will get the two of us out of here! [ MacGyver rolls his eyes ] Now, hand me that electrical wire!
Vicky: Here you go, MacGruber!
MacGruber: Okay! Vicky! Tell the person on your right to hand me that paperclip, and tell him to go take a long walk off a very short pier.
MacGyver: [ handing her the paperclip ] Vicky… tell the person who asked for this that his mother and I always wanted a girl, and we were delighted we got one.[ MacGruber laughs condescendingly ]
Vicky: Okay, here, MacGruber. [ hands over the paperclip ]
MacGruber: Okay, Vicky — tell the same guy that, when he dies, I will scatter his ashes in my toilet, and then I will scatter something else over that.
MacGyver: Oh, good! I hope you do!
MacGruber: GOOD! Then, I will!
MacGruber: I will NEVER… EVER!! forgive you!!!
MacGyver: GOOD!! I hope you don’t!![ Vicky stares disjointedly at the two men. The tension is so thick it can be cut with a knife made from a paperclip. ]
MacGruber: Let’s get back to the…[CUT to the tanker exploding and spewing smoke everywhere.]
Singers: MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!![CUT to outerspace scene, as a spaceport drifts past. SUPERIMPOSE caption, “spaceport 2040.” CUT to a sign marked “Space Port Control Room”.]
Vicky: MacGruber, I’m… sorry for your loss. Your dad was a good man.
MacGruber: [ solemn ] Yeah. I was just thinking about something I said about him in anger, long ago.
Vicky: Um… do you want some alone time?
MacGruber: No. I want you to be here for this.[ reveal longshot of MacGruber seated on toilet ] Goodbye, Dad. [ he pushes the urn between his legs, then flushes ] [ a moment of silence ]
MacGruber: Now, where were we?
Vicky: One second, MacGruber!!![ MacGruber jumps to his feet, his bare ass dangling in the wind ] [CUT to the spaceport exploding and spewing smoke everywhere.]
Singers: MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!![ fade ]