SNL Transcripts: Dwayne Johnson: 03/07/09: MacGruber III

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 17






08q: Dwayne Johnson / Ray LaMontagne

MacGruber III

MacGruber…..Will Forte
Vicky…..Kristen Wiig
MacGyver… Richard Dean Anderson

[FADE IN on the ends of two electric wires as a spark jumps between them. CUT among various shots of pontoon planes, hands tinkering with materials, and exploding buildings.]

Singers:
“MacGruber!
Their father-son relationship has gone into the dumper!
MacGruber!
He wishes that his dad had reversed his vasectomy!
MacGruber!
His dad’s a freakin’ butt-hole!”

[CUT to MacGyver in a karate pose against footage of flames, as MacGruber flips him off from behind and reverts to thumbs-up when MacGyver suddenly turns around.]

Singers: “MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!”

[CUT to an hijacked cocaine tanker. SUPERIMPOSE caption, “Hijacked Cocaine Tanker.” CUT to a sign marked “Tanker Control Room” as sirens wail.]

MacGyver: [struggling with locked door] It’s locked!

Vicky: That’s not all, MacGruber! From the looks of that dirty bomb, we’ve got exactly twenty seconds!!

MacGruber: Okay, don’t worry, Vicky, because I will get the two of us out of here! [ MacGyver rolls his eyes ] Now, hand me that electrical wire!

Vicky: Here you go, MacGruber!

MacGruber: Okay! Vicky! Tell the person on your right to hand me that paperclip, and tell him to go take a long walk off a very short pier.

MacGyver: [ handing her the paperclip ] Vicky… tell the person who asked for this that his mother and I always wanted a girl, and we were delighted we got one.

[ MacGruber laughs condescendingly ]

Vicky: Okay, here, MacGruber. [ hands over the paperclip ]

MacGruber: Okay, Vicky — tell the same guy that, when he dies, I will scatter his ashes in my toilet, and then I will scatter something else over that.

MacGyver: Oh, good! I hope you do!

MacGruber: GOOD! Then, I will!

MacGyver: GOOD!!

MacGruber: GOOD!!!

MacGyver: GOOD!!!!

MacGruber: GOOD!!!!!

MacGyver: GOOD!!!!!!

MacGruber: I will NEVER… EVER!! forgive you!!!

MacGyver: GOOD!! I hope you don’t!!

[ Vicky stares disjointedly at the two men. The tension is so thick it can be cut with a knife made from a paperclip. ]

MacGruber: Let’s get back to the…

[CUT to the tanker exploding and spewing smoke everywhere.]

Singers: MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!

[CUT to outerspace scene, as a spaceport drifts past. SUPERIMPOSE caption, “spaceport 2040.” CUT to a sign marked “Space Port Control Room”.]

Vicky: MacGruber, I’m… sorry for your loss. Your dad was a good man.

MacGruber: [ solemn ] Yeah. I was just thinking about something I said about him in anger, long ago.

Vicky: Um… do you want some alone time?

MacGruber: No. I want you to be here for this.

[ reveal longshot of MacGruber seated on toilet ] Goodbye, Dad. [ he pushes the urn between his legs, then flushes ] [ a moment of silence ]

MacGruber: Now, where were we?

Vicky: One second, MacGruber!!!

[ MacGruber jumps to his feet, his bare ass dangling in the wind ] [CUT to the spaceport exploding and spewing smoke everywhere.]

Singers: MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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