SNL Transcripts: Tracy Morgan: 03/14/09: Big Love


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 34: Episode 18

08r: Tracy Morgan / Kelly Clarkson

Big Love

Bill…..Jason Sudeikis
Barb…..Kristen Wiig
Nicolette…..Abby Elliott
Margene…..Casey Wilson
Fantasia…..Tracy Morgan

Announcer: Coming up next: the HBO original series… “Big Love”.

[ dissolve to opening theme credits, the foursome spinning as a group circle to the sound of “God Only Knows” by The Beach Boys ]

Barb: Where’s Bill? He said he’d be home by now.

Margene: Hey, guys… whose baby is this?

[ Bill enters the house ]

Bill: Girls! Girls! I have some big news for the family — please sit! [ the women sit ] Now, a man couldn’t ask for three finer Mormon wives than YOU! Barb… with your steady hand, and your menopause —

Barb: Thank you.

Bill: And Nicolette… with your beloved voice —

Nicolette: I ALREADY know I have a BEAUTIFUL voice, Bill!

Bill: And Margene — dear, sweet Margene. Oh, Sweetie? Sweetie, I think you blinked and you forgot to open your eyes again.

Margene: [ she opens her eyes ] Oh! It was DARK in there!

Bill: Now, the three of you mean the WORLD to me! We are a beautiful family… and we’re about to become even MORE beautiful.

Barb: Bill? You don’t mean..?

Bill: That’s right! A FOURTH wife! [ he turns to face the door ] Fantasia!

[ an obvious black man in drag enters the house ]

Bill: Girls? This is our NEW wife — Fantasia Divine!

Fantasia: What’s up!

Bill: Isn’t she a dream?

Barb: She?

Margene: Fantasia! Your name is so unique. What kind of name is it?

Fantasia: A FAKE one!

Nicolette: How did you two meet?

Bill: Oh, it was the most romantic place! [ to Fantasia ] What was it called, honey?

Fantasia: Hertz Rent-A-Car!

Bill: That’s right. Yeah. I was returning a van, and she was wandering around in the parking lot.

Fantasia: Bill has told me ALL about you guys! I can’t wait to join the Church of More-Man!

Nicolette: Bill? Can we have a talk with you? Alone?

Bill: Sure, sure.

[ Bill kisses Fantasia on the cheek, then huddles with his other three wives ]

Bill: What is it?

Barb: Bill, you know I love you.

Margene: We ALL love you!

Nicolette: Well, let him finish!

Margene: He’s not even talking!

Bill: Okay, ladies… ladies, look! Look, I know all of this is sudden, all of you must have questions. Let’s hear them!

Barb: Okay… here’s a question: Is that a man?

Bill: [ angered ] Jealousy doesn’t become you, Barb!

Margene: But, if that’s not a man… why is he shaving?

[ reveal Fantasia sitting in a chair running an electric razor across his face ]

Bill: Duh-oh!

[ cut to the end credits of the fivesome spinning as a group circle ]

Announcer: “Big Love”. Yep… it’s a dude.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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