Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 34: Episode 18
Announcer: Coming up next: the HBO original series… “Big Love”.[ dissolve to opening theme credits, the foursome spinning as a group circle to the sound of “God Only Knows” by The Beach Boys ]
Barb: Where’s Bill? He said he’d be home by now.
Margene: Hey, guys… whose baby is this?
Bill: Girls! Girls! I have some big news for the family — please sit! [ the women sit ] Now, a man couldn’t ask for three finer Mormon wives than YOU! Barb… with your steady hand, and your menopause —
Barb: Thank you.
Bill: And Nicolette… with your beloved voice —
Nicolette: I ALREADY know I have a BEAUTIFUL voice, Bill!
Bill: And Margene — dear, sweet Margene. Oh, Sweetie? Sweetie, I think you blinked and you forgot to open your eyes again.
Margene: [ she opens her eyes ] Oh! It was DARK in there!
Bill: Now, the three of you mean the WORLD to me! We are a beautiful family… and we’re about to become even MORE beautiful.
Barb: Bill? You don’t mean..?
Bill: That’s right! A FOURTH wife! [ he turns to face the door ] Fantasia![ an obvious black man in drag enters the house ]
Bill: Girls? This is our NEW wife — Fantasia Divine!
Fantasia: What’s up!
Bill: Isn’t she a dream?
Margene: Fantasia! Your name is so unique. What kind of name is it?
Fantasia: A FAKE one!
Nicolette: How did you two meet?
Bill: Oh, it was the most romantic place! [ to Fantasia ] What was it called, honey?
Fantasia: Hertz Rent-A-Car!
Bill: That’s right. Yeah. I was returning a van, and she was wandering around in the parking lot.
Fantasia: Bill has told me ALL about you guys! I can’t wait to join the Church of More-Man!
Nicolette: Bill? Can we have a talk with you? Alone?
Bill: Sure, sure.
Bill: What is it?
Barb: Bill, you know I love you.
Margene: We ALL love you!
Nicolette: Well, let him finish!
Margene: He’s not even talking!
Bill: Okay, ladies… ladies, look! Look, I know all of this is sudden, all of you must have questions. Let’s hear them!
Barb: Okay… here’s a question: Is that a man?
Bill: [ angered ] Jealousy doesn’t become you, Barb!
Margene: But, if that’s not a man… why is he shaving?[ reveal Fantasia sitting in a chair running an electric razor across his face ]
Bill: Duh-oh![ cut to the end credits of the fivesome spinning as a group circle ]
Announcer: “Big Love”. Yep… it’s a dude.[ fade ]