SNL Transcripts: Tracy Morgan: 03/14/09: Dateline


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 34: Episode 18

08r: Tracy Morgan / Kelly Clarkson


Keith Morrison….Bill Hader
Ronnie Taylor….Andy Samberg
Sally Bingham….Abby Elliott
Chris Bingham….Kenan Thompson
Carl Collins….Tracy Morgan

[Opens with the Dateline NBC logo. Dramatic music]

Announcer: Tonight at 10, on Dateline NBC. A Keith Morrison Special Investigation. Real Life Crimes Stories of Real Life People in Bad Situations.

[cut to Keith Morrison on his TV studio]

Keith Morrison: Ronnie Taylor was just a fun loving guy on a Saturday night. Until he pulled in into the wrong place…at the wrong time.

[cut to Keith with Ronnie sitting on a park bench]

Ronnie Taylor: When I walked into the convenience store, I saw it was being held up.

Keith Morrison: [creepy smile] Oh, no-o-o.

Ronnie Taylor: One of the robbers pointed the gun right at me.

Keith Morrison: [still smirking] O-o-oh.

Ronnie Taylor: And he shot me.

Keith Morrison: Shot you a dirty look?

Ronnie Taylor: No. A bullet through my neck.

Keith Morrison: [creepy smile] A-a-a-ah.

[cut to Keith in the studio]

Keith Morrison: Then the story of Sally and Chris Bingham and how their dream wedding turned into a living nightmare.

[cut to Keith sitting in the Bingham’s living room]

Chris Bingham: We just had gotten married…

Keith Morrison: A-a-ah…you liked it, so you put a ring on it.

Chris Bingham: Yeah, I guess.

Sally Bingham: At the reception everyone was dancing and suddenly the whole roof caved in.

Keith Morrison: [still a creepy smile] Oh, no-o-o. Was that suppose to happen?

Chris Bingham: No.

Keith Morrison: [creepy smile] A-a-a-ah.

Sally Bingham: Luckily, no one was killed.

Keith Morrison: [disappointed] Awwww.

Chris Bingham: One guy broke both his legs.

Keith Morrison: [happy creepy again] A-a-a-ah.

[cut to Keith in the studio]

Keith Morrison: And finally, an interview with the face of evil. I sit down with convicted murderer Carl Collins.

[cut to Keith with Carl in a jailhouse interview]

Carl Collins: Yeah, my big thing was that I would take old dudes and kill ’em.

Keith Morrison: O-o-oh. Kill them with kindness?

Carl Collins: No. With an ax.

Keith Morrison: [creepy smile] O-o-o-oh

Carl Collins: Then I cut ’em up into pieces.

Keith Morrison: [creepy smile] A-a-a-ah.

Carl Collins: Then I grind ’em up in the meat grinder.

Keith Morrison: [perverse look] Yes!

Carl Collins: Then I put ’em on bread and eat them.

Keith Morrison: I guess you could say you had yourself a man-wich.

Carl Collins: [creepy smile] Ye-e-e-e-eah.

Keith Morrison: [creepy smile] O-o-o-o-oh.

Carl Collins: [relishing on it] O-o-o-o-oh.

Keith Morrison: [loving it] Ye-e-e-e-eah.

[cut to the Dateline logo]

Keith Morrison: Tonight on Dateline.

[cheers and applause]


Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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