Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 34: Episode 18
08r: Tracy Morgan / Kelly Clarkson
Dateline
Keith Morrison….Bill Hader
Ronnie Taylor….Andy Samberg
Sally Bingham….Abby Elliott
Chris Bingham….Kenan Thompson
Carl Collins….Tracy Morgan
Announcer: Tonight at 10, on Dateline NBC. A Keith Morrison Special Investigation. Real Life Crimes Stories of Real Life People in Bad Situations.
[cut to Keith Morrison on his TV studio]Keith Morrison: Ronnie Taylor was just a fun loving guy on a Saturday night. Until he pulled in into the wrong place…at the wrong time.
[cut to Keith with Ronnie sitting on a park bench]Ronnie Taylor: When I walked into the convenience store, I saw it was being held up.
Keith Morrison: [creepy smile] Oh, no-o-o.
Ronnie Taylor: One of the robbers pointed the gun right at me.
Keith Morrison: [still smirking] O-o-oh.
Ronnie Taylor: And he shot me.
Keith Morrison: Shot you a dirty look?
Ronnie Taylor: No. A bullet through my neck.
Keith Morrison: [creepy smile] A-a-a-ah.
[cut to Keith in the studio]Keith Morrison: Then the story of Sally and Chris Bingham and how their dream wedding turned into a living nightmare.
[cut to Keith sitting in the Bingham’s living room]Chris Bingham: We just had gotten married…
Keith Morrison: A-a-ah…you liked it, so you put a ring on it.
Chris Bingham: Yeah, I guess.
Sally Bingham: At the reception everyone was dancing and suddenly the whole roof caved in.
Keith Morrison: [still a creepy smile] Oh, no-o-o. Was that suppose to happen?
Chris Bingham: No.
Keith Morrison: [creepy smile] A-a-a-ah.
Sally Bingham: Luckily, no one was killed.
Keith Morrison: [disappointed] Awwww.
Chris Bingham: One guy broke both his legs.
Keith Morrison: [happy creepy again] A-a-a-ah.
[cut to Keith in the studio]Keith Morrison: And finally, an interview with the face of evil. I sit down with convicted murderer Carl Collins.
[cut to Keith with Carl in a jailhouse interview]Carl Collins: Yeah, my big thing was that I would take old dudes and kill ’em.
Keith Morrison: O-o-oh. Kill them with kindness?
Carl Collins: No. With an ax.
Keith Morrison: [creepy smile] O-o-o-oh
Carl Collins: Then I cut ’em up into pieces.
Keith Morrison: [creepy smile] A-a-a-ah.
Carl Collins: Then I grind ’em up in the meat grinder.
Keith Morrison: [perverse look] Yes!
Carl Collins: Then I put ’em on bread and eat them.
Keith Morrison: I guess you could say you had yourself a man-wich.
Carl Collins: [creepy smile] Ye-e-e-e-eah.
Keith Morrison: [creepy smile] O-o-o-o-oh.
Carl Collins: [relishing on it] O-o-o-o-oh.
Keith Morrison: [loving it] Ye-e-e-e-eah.
[cut to the Dateline logo]Keith Morrison: Tonight on Dateline.
[cheers and applause] [fade]Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel
