SNL Transcripts: Tracy Morgan: 03/14/09: Astronaut Jones

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 34: Episode 18

08r: Tracy Morgan / Kelly Clarkson

Astronaut Jones

Astronaut Jones…..Tracy Morgan
Klilgarian Woman…..Andy Samberg

[ open in outer space ]

Astronaut Jones: [ speaking into space phone ] Come in, Earth! I’m on the planet Klilgar! I’m collecting very interesting stones for the collection! I’ve found no signs of life on this planet! It’s a cold and dead planet! Wait, one second! Someone or something is coming!

I’m taking a rocket.
I’m packing my suitcase
Hey, look out, Moon!

Yeah, a rocket
into outer space.
Goodbye, human race
I’ll be there soon.

Blast off!
For fun and adventure.
Yes, I said adventure
collecting stones.

Yeah, it’s my way
on the ol’ space highway.
That’s why they all say
“There goes Astronaut Jones!”


Announcer: “Astronuat Jones”! Tonight’s episode: “Episode 6: The Ice Planet”.

[ dissolve back to scene ]

Astronaut Jones: I can’t talk right now, Earth! I’m making contact with a Krilgarian woman!

Krilgarian Woman: Earth creature…

Astronaut Jones: Right.

Krilgarian Woman: You have ventured into the Krilgarian Galaxy without permission.

Astronaut Jones: Say what?

Krilgarian Woman: I am Xerba the Beautiful…

Astronaut Jones: Dig it.

Krilgarian Woman: …and I have been instructed by my leaders to take you my hostage and keep you as my prisoner.

Astronaut Jones: Drop it like it’s hot.

Krilgarian Woman: Do not attempt to escape…

Astronaut Jones: Jump on you!

Krilgarian Woman: My powers are great, and I will not hesitate to use them against you.

Astronaut Jones: Make me hungry!

Krilgarian Woman: No Earth creaturee has escaped from Krilgar…

Astronaut Jones: Word, say word!

Krilgarian Woman: You will be placed in our testing laboratory…

Astronaut Jones: Where?

Krilgarian Woman: …’til you are no longer of use.

Astronaut Jones: Right.

Krilgarian Woman: Then, you will be eaten.

Astronaut Jones: Right.

Krilgarian Woman: What say you to this, Earth Man?

Astronaut Jones: I say you drop down that skirt, and let me get that green dugout!

Krilgarian Woman: [ a beat ] This is not possible. Krilgarians do not have vaginas.

Astronaut Jones: What they got?

Krilgarian Woman: Instead, we possess something more like your Earth Man penis, only bigger.

Astronaut Jones: Hey! We’re in space, baby — penis, vagina, it’s all good!

I’m taking a rocket.
I’m packing my suitcase
Hey, look out, Moon!”

Announcer: “Astronaut Jones”, written by Tracy Morgan. Directed by Tracy Morgan. Hair and Make-up by Tracy Morgan. Produced by Tracy Morgan and Melvin Goldfarb. This has been a Morgan/Goldfarb Production.

Voice: You like?

Astronaut Jones V/O: You’re lookin’ up, money!

[ fade ]

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