SNL Transcripts: Tracy Morgan: 03/14/09: Astronaut Jones


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 34: Episode 18

08r: Tracy Morgan / Kelly Clarkson

Astronaut Jones

Astronaut Jones…..Tracy Morgan
Klilgarian Woman…..Andy Samberg

[ open in outer space ]

Astronaut Jones: [ speaking into space phone ] Come in, Earth! I’m on the planet Klilgar! I’m collecting very interesting stones for the collection! I’ve found no signs of life on this planet! It’s a cold and dead planet! Wait, one second! Someone or something is coming!

I’m taking a rocket.
I’m packing my suitcase
Hey, look out, Moon!

Yeah, a rocket
into outer space.
Goodbye, human race
I’ll be there soon.

Blast off!
For fun and adventure.
Yes, I said adventure
collecting stones.

Yeah, it’s my way
on the ol’ space highway.
That’s why they all say
“There goes Astronaut Jones!”


Announcer: “Astronuat Jones”! Tonight’s episode: “Episode 6: The Ice Planet”.

[ dissolve back to scene ]

Astronaut Jones: I can’t talk right now, Earth! I’m making contact with a Krilgarian woman!

Krilgarian Woman: Earth creature…

Astronaut Jones: Right.

Krilgarian Woman: You have ventured into the Krilgarian Galaxy without permission.

Astronaut Jones: Say what?

Krilgarian Woman: I am Xerba the Beautiful…

Astronaut Jones: Dig it.

Krilgarian Woman: …and I have been instructed by my leaders to take you my hostage and keep you as my prisoner.

Astronaut Jones: Drop it like it’s hot.

Krilgarian Woman: Do not attempt to escape…

Astronaut Jones: Jump on you!

Krilgarian Woman: My powers are great, and I will not hesitate to use them against you.

Astronaut Jones: Make me hungry!

Krilgarian Woman: No Earth creaturee has escaped from Krilgar…

Astronaut Jones: Word, say word!

Krilgarian Woman: You will be placed in our testing laboratory…

Astronaut Jones: Where?

Krilgarian Woman: …’til you are no longer of use.

Astronaut Jones: Right.

Krilgarian Woman: Then, you will be eaten.

Astronaut Jones: Right.

Krilgarian Woman: What say you to this, Earth Man?

Astronaut Jones: I say you drop down that skirt, and let me get that green dugout!

Krilgarian Woman: [ a beat ] This is not possible. Krilgarians do not have vaginas.

Astronaut Jones: What they got?

Krilgarian Woman: Instead, we possess something more like your Earth Man penis, only bigger.

Astronaut Jones: Hey! We’re in space, baby — penis, vagina, it’s all good!

I’m taking a rocket.
I’m packing my suitcase
Hey, look out, Moon!”

Announcer: “Astronaut Jones”, written by Tracy Morgan. Directed by Tracy Morgan. Hair and Make-up by Tracy Morgan. Produced by Tracy Morgan and Melvin Goldfarb. This has been a Morgan/Goldfarb Production.

Voice: You like?

Astronaut Jones V/O: You’re lookin’ up, money!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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