SNL Transcripts: Tracy Morgan: 03/14/09: An SNL Digital Short



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 18













08r: Tracy Morgan / Kelly Clarkson

An SNL Digital Short

…..Bill Hader
…..Andy Samberg
Dude…..Bobby Moynihan
Winners…..Casey Wilson, Abby Elliott
Mr. Personality…..Kenan Thompson
Numbnuts…..John Lutz
Asshole….. Fred Armisen
Bat-Man…..Jason Sudeikis
Tom…..Will Forte

[ Bill Hader and Andy Samberg enter a party scene ]

Bill Hader: I HATE these parties.

Andy Samberg: I know. So lame.

Bill Hader: It’s always the same people, man.

Andy Samberg: [ he sighs ] No kidding. [ points ] Look at this dude.

[ reveal a dude entered dressed in guido attire ]

Bill Hader V/O: [ mockingly ] Nice shirt.

[ cut back to Bill and Andy ]

Bill Hader: [ points ] Oh, check out these winners.

[ reveal two chatty broads, dressed almost indentical ]

Winner #2: [ waving her hands ] It’s hot!

[ cut back to Bill and Andy ]

Andy Samberg: [ pointing ] Ah, here we go — look at these jokers.

[ cut to three guys dressed as the Joker from Bat-Man ]

Bill Hader V/O: They’re tight!

[ cut back to Bill and Andy ]

Bill Hader: Oh, boy — [ points ] Check out Mr. Personality.

[ cut to black man wearing a “Mr. Personality” sash ] [ cut back to Bill and Andy ]

Andy Samberg: Why do we keep coming to these things?

Bill Hader: I don’t know.

Andy Samberg: [ points ] Yeah, look at this numbnuts.

[ show man sitting on a block of ice with his pants pulled down ] [ cut back to Bill and Andy ]

Bill Hader: [ points ] Check out that terd-burglar.

[ show masked man reaching into a toilet ] [ cut back to Bill and Andy ]

Andy Samberg: Hey, look at that guy.

[ show empty bathrobe hanging on the wall ]

Bill Hader V/O: No, I think it’s pronounced “Gee”.

Andy Samberg V/O: Well, look at that Gee.

[ cut back to Bill and Andy ]

Bill Hader: [ pointing ] Look at those sonsofbitches.

[ reveal a litter of puppies on a chair ] [ cut back to Bill and Andy ]

Andy Samberg: [ pointing ] Those guys are so baked.

[ reveal gingerbread men inside an oven ] [ cut back to Bill and Andy ]

Bill Hader: It’s a real sausage-fest.

[ reveal a pair of German men dancing with sausage links ] [ cut back to Bill and Andy ]

Andy Samberg: Look at that knucklehead.

[ reveal a face-painted hand ] [ cut back to Bill and Andy ]

Andy Samberg: [ waving ] Hey there, Cowboy!

[ reveal a man wearing a cow head waving back with a “Moo-oo!” ] [ cut back to Bill and Andy ]

Bill Hader: It’s What’s-His-Face.

[ reveal man with a blurred face ]

What’s-His-Face: Hi!

[ cut back to Bill and Andy ]

Andy Samberg: [ pointing ] Check out this asshole.

[ reveal Asshole frowning ]

Asshole: Not cool!

[ cut back to Bill and Andy ]

Andy Samberg: Look what the cat dragged in. [ he holds up a mouse by its tail ]

Bill Hader: Check out that hot piece of ass.

[ reveal what looks like a meaty piece of ass cooking on the stove ] [ cut back to Bill and Andy ]

Andy Samberg: Here comes the cavalry.

[ reveal a group of soldiers marching, with bugles blowing ] [ cut back to Bill and Andy ]

Bill Hader: [ pointing ] Look who decided to show his face!

[ reveal a man in Bat-Man costume sans mask, as one of the Jokers pounds him with a board ] [ cut back to Bill and Andy ]

Andy Samberg: [ pointing ] Look at these motherf–kers.

[ reveal three young dudes with their arms wrapped around three older ladies ] [ cut back to Bill and Andy ]

Andy Samberg: [ looking ] Oh, man… I can’t believe they let Tom here. That guy’s a cereal rapist.

[ reveal Tom in a bathroom, going at it with a box of Alpha-bits. He huts the door. ] [ cut back to Bill and Andy ]

Bill Hader: This party BLOWS!

Andy Samberg: [ looking ] Oh, man… check out these douchebags.

[ reveal their reflection in a mirror ]

Bill Hader: [ with a heavy sigh ] That’s us.

[ cut to black ]

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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