Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 34: Episode 18
08r: Tracy Morgan / Kelly Clarkson
An SNL Digital Short
…..Bill Hader
…..Andy Samberg
Dude…..Bobby Moynihan
Winners…..Casey Wilson, Abby Elliott
Mr. Personality…..Kenan Thompson
Numbnuts…..John Lutz
Asshole….. Fred Armisen
Bat-Man…..Jason Sudeikis
Tom…..Will Forte
[ Bill Hader and Andy Samberg enter a party scene ]
Bill Hader: I HATE these parties.
Andy Samberg: I know. So lame.
Bill Hader: It’s always the same people, man.
Andy Samberg: [ he sighs ] No kidding. [ points ] Look at this dude.
[ reveal a dude entered dressed in guido attire ]
Bill Hader V/O: [ mockingly ] Nice shirt.
[ cut back to Bill and Andy ]
Bill Hader: [ points ] Oh, check out these winners.
[ reveal two chatty broads, dressed almost indentical ]
Winner #2: [ waving her hands ] It’s hot!
[ cut back to Bill and Andy ]
Andy Samberg: [ pointing ] Ah, here we go — look at these jokers.
[ cut to three guys dressed as the Joker from Bat-Man ]
Bill Hader V/O: They’re tight!
[ cut back to Bill and Andy ]
Bill Hader: Oh, boy — [ points ] Check out Mr. Personality.
[ cut to black man wearing a “Mr. Personality” sash ]
[ cut back to Bill and Andy ]
Andy Samberg: Why do we keep coming to these things?
Bill Hader: I don’t know.
Andy Samberg: [ points ] Yeah, look at this numbnuts.
[ show man sitting on a block of ice with his pants pulled down ]
[ cut back to Bill and Andy ]
Bill Hader: [ points ] Check out that terd-burglar.
[ show masked man reaching into a toilet ]
[ cut back to Bill and Andy ]
Andy Samberg: Hey, look at that guy.
[ show empty bathrobe hanging on the wall ]
Bill Hader V/O: No, I think it’s pronounced “Gee”.
Andy Samberg V/O: Well, look at that Gee.
[ cut back to Bill and Andy ]
Bill Hader: [ pointing ] Look at those sonsofbitches.
[ reveal a litter of puppies on a chair ]
[ cut back to Bill and Andy ]
Andy Samberg: [ pointing ] Those guys are so baked.
[ reveal gingerbread men inside an oven ]
[ cut back to Bill and Andy ]
Bill Hader: It’s a real sausage-fest.
[ reveal a pair of German men dancing with sausage links ]
[ cut back to Bill and Andy ]
Andy Samberg: Look at that knucklehead.
[ reveal a face-painted hand ]
[ cut back to Bill and Andy ]
Andy Samberg: [ waving ] Hey there, Cowboy!
[ reveal a man wearing a cow head waving back with a “Moo-oo!” ]
[ cut back to Bill and Andy ]
Bill Hader: It’s What’s-His-Face.
[ reveal man with a blurred face ]
What’s-His-Face: Hi!
[ cut back to Bill and Andy ]
Andy Samberg: [ pointing ] Check out this asshole.
[ reveal Asshole frowning ]
Asshole: Not cool!
[ cut back to Bill and Andy ]
Andy Samberg: Look what the cat dragged in. [ he holds up a mouse by its tail ]
Bill Hader: Check out that hot piece of ass.
[ reveal what looks like a meaty piece of ass cooking on the stove ]
[ cut back to Bill and Andy ]
Andy Samberg: Here comes the cavalry.
[ reveal a group of soldiers marching, with bugles blowing ]
[ cut back to Bill and Andy ]
Bill Hader: [ pointing ] Look who decided to show his face!
[ reveal a man in Bat-Man costume sans mask, as one of the Jokers pounds him with a board ]
[ cut back to Bill and Andy ]
Andy Samberg: [ pointing ] Look at these motherf–kers.
[ reveal three young dudes with their arms wrapped around three older ladies ]
[ cut back to Bill and Andy ]
Andy Samberg: [ looking ] Oh, man… I can’t believe they let Tom here. That guy’s a cereal rapist.
[ reveal Tom in a bathroom, going at it with a box of Alpha-bits. He huts the door. ]
[ cut back to Bill and Andy ]
Bill Hader: This party BLOWS!
Andy Samberg: [ looking ] Oh, man… check out these douchebags.
[ reveal their reflection in a mirror ]
Bill Hader: [ with a heavy sigh ] That’s us.
[ cut to black ]
