Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 34: Episode 18
Uncle Jeff…..Will Forte
Dr. Ricky Lamayne…..Tracy Morgan
Department Store Santa…..Bill Hader
[ open on three cheerleaders crowded around Uncle Jeff, who sits in his car ]
Cheerleader: Thanks for picking me up, Uncle Jeff!
Uncle Jeff: Hey, you know I don’t mind having to leave work early! [ he laughs ]
Cheerleader: You mind giving my friends a ride?
Uncle Jeff: Sure! Get in.
Cheerleader: Thanks![ the cheerleaders run out of view, as the camera zooms in on Uncle Jeff ]
Uncle Jeff: This is no time for an erection.[ cut to Dr. Ricky Lamayne in his office ]
Dr. Ricky LaMayne: You’re damn right, it’s not! Hi! I’m Dr. Ricky Lamayne. And, for years, I’ve struggled with having erections at the wrong time. I’d be at the gym, and I’d see a fat girl on a life cycle… or I’d be watching tow turtles doing it at the zoo… or I’d just be at the supermarket watching grown women shop for cucumbers. There’s a million drugs out there to help you get your thing up… but only ONE can help keep your stuff down! [ holds up product ] Suppressex! I created Suppressex! I was at a Super Bowl party, and that commercial came on, with the real sexy M&M — you know, the green one with the legs! Come on! You know she got it goin’ on! Here! Take a look at this chart![ show chart: Sexual Arousal, Max. and Min. ]
Dr. Ricky LaMayne: In just ten minutes, Suppressex takes your sexual arousement from red high heels… to Crocs… to those prescription shoes for people with different-sized legs.[ dissolve to Department Store Santa getting dressed in a locker room ]
Department Store Santa: I’m a department store Santa. In my line of work, one accidental erect penis, and I could lose my job. Two in the same shift, and I’d go to jail! But, with Suppressex, no one gets a surprise before Christmas![ cut back to Dr. Ricky LaMayne ]
Dr. Ricky LaMayne: I don’t know HOW Suppressex works! It has some freaky nut juice in it, or something. I just know that when I TAKE one, I don’t have to worry about getting into a crowded elevator while weating sweatpants! It’s perfect for CHURCH… PUBLIC POOLS… YOGA CLASS… LAYING FACE-DOWN ON A WATERSLIDE… WATCHING OLD LADIES SUCK ON GRAPES… and STANDING! [ glances at a cat poster behind him ] Uh-oh! Look! That cat isn’t wearing any pants! [ he takes a Suppressex pill ] Whoo! Thanks, Suppressex![ cut to product slide ]
Announcer: Ask your doctor about Suppressex.
Jingle: Suppress it with Suppressex![ fade ]