SNL Transcripts: Tracy Morgan: 03/14/09: Suppressex


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 34: Episode 18

08r: Tracy Morgan / Kelly Clarkson


Cheerleader…..Abby Elliott
Uncle Jeff…..Will Forte
Dr. Ricky Lamayne…..Tracy Morgan
Department Store Santa…..Bill Hader

[ open on three cheerleaders crowded around Uncle Jeff, who sits in his car ]

Cheerleader: Thanks for picking me up, Uncle Jeff!

Uncle Jeff: Hey, you know I don’t mind having to leave work early! [ he laughs ]

Cheerleader: You mind giving my friends a ride?

Uncle Jeff: Sure! Get in.

Cheerleader: Thanks!

[ the cheerleaders run out of view, as the camera zooms in on Uncle Jeff ]

Uncle Jeff: This is no time for an erection.

[ cut to Dr. Ricky Lamayne in his office ]

Dr. Ricky LaMayne: You’re damn right, it’s not! Hi! I’m Dr. Ricky Lamayne. And, for years, I’ve struggled with having erections at the wrong time. I’d be at the gym, and I’d see a fat girl on a life cycle… or I’d be watching tow turtles doing it at the zoo… or I’d just be at the supermarket watching grown women shop for cucumbers. There’s a million drugs out there to help you get your thing up… but only ONE can help keep your stuff down! [ holds up product ] Suppressex! I created Suppressex! I was at a Super Bowl party, and that commercial came on, with the real sexy M&M — you know, the green one with the legs! Come on! You know she got it goin’ on! Here! Take a look at this chart!

[ show chart: Sexual Arousal, Max. and Min. ]

Dr. Ricky LaMayne: In just ten minutes, Suppressex takes your sexual arousement from red high heels… to Crocs… to those prescription shoes for people with different-sized legs.

[ dissolve to Department Store Santa getting dressed in a locker room ]

Department Store Santa: I’m a department store Santa. In my line of work, one accidental erect penis, and I could lose my job. Two in the same shift, and I’d go to jail! But, with Suppressex, no one gets a surprise before Christmas!

[ cut back to Dr. Ricky LaMayne ]

Dr. Ricky LaMayne: I don’t know HOW Suppressex works! It has some freaky nut juice in it, or something. I just know that when I TAKE one, I don’t have to worry about getting into a crowded elevator while weating sweatpants! It’s perfect for CHURCH… PUBLIC POOLS… YOGA CLASS… LAYING FACE-DOWN ON A WATERSLIDE… WATCHING OLD LADIES SUCK ON GRAPES… and STANDING! [ glances at a cat poster behind him ] Uh-oh! Look! That cat isn’t wearing any pants! [ he takes a Suppressex pill ] Whoo! Thanks, Suppressex!

[ cut to product slide ]

Announcer: Ask your doctor about Suppressex.

Jingle: Suppress it with Suppressex!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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