SNL Transcripts: Tracy Morgan: 03/14/09: Weekend Update with Seth Meyers



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 18


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08r: Tracy Morgan / Kelly Clarkson

Weekend Update with Seth Meyers

…..Seth Meyers
John Malkovich…..Bill Hader
…..Tracy Morgan
Barbie…..Kristen Wiig

Announcer: “Weekend Update, with Seth Meyers”.

Seth Meyers: I’m Seth Meyers, and here are tonight’s top stories:

[ image: Bernie Madoff ] On Thursday, someone was finally turned down for a bailout.

In a speech, Tuesday, President Obama outlined new education goals that propose longer school days and longer school years. “That’s a brilliant idea!” said Catherine, the 5th grader nobody likes.

President Barack Obama said on Monday that human cloning is dangerous, profoundly wrong, and has no place in society. An opinion he formed after coming home to find Obama 2.0 in bed with Michelle.

This week, Wall Street and the entire financial world were stunned and frightened by the sudden appearance of this mysterious symbol: [ an arrow pointing up ]

Seth Meyers: The list of clients swindled by Bernie Madoff included a number of celebrities, such as Kevin Bacon and Steven Spielberg. Here to give his views on Madoff’s plea, is one of those clients — actor John Malkovich.

John Malkovich: Hello, Seth. I want to thank you for having me here.

Seth Meyers: Now, Mr. Malkovich, uh, you must have been upset when you heard your money had been stolen by Mr. Madoff.

John Malkovich: [ in a calm monotone ] I was, at first… [ he sighs heavily ] perturbed. But I then realized that Bernard would be dealt with properly by the authorities.

Seth Meyers: Well… that’s a pretty calm reaction for you…

John Malkovich: For what?

Seth Meyers: Well… you know, for someone who — in many of your movies, you will —

John Malkovich: What? Speak quietly, and then suddenly begin screaming? [ he clenches his teeth ]

Seth Meyers: Yes.

John Malkovich: Well… that’s in my movies, Seth. I am perfectly capable of controlling myself.

Seth Meyers: Of course. But, surely, you mut have been upset by the news that Mrs. Madoff may be able to keep some property she purchased with stolen money.

John Malkovich: [ holding back his fumes ] Well… I was not aware of that. That is rather upsetting, given all the victims yet to be COM-PEN-SATE-ED! But that is no reason to begin suddenly screaming.

Seth Meyers: No? [ with sly intent ] What about the fact that he stole from a charity run by Elie Wiesel?

John Malkovich: Okay… I can tell you what’s about to happen to me: I’m about to start screaming! Because I held it in about the first thing, it’s going to be a BIG one! A long, intense, strangely articulate screaming ja-a-ag! [ hee contains it ] Okay, no — that passed. [ he smiles ] You see? Calmer tempers can prevail.

Seth Meyers: Well, that is a very reasonable way to think about this.

John Malkovich: Thank you, my good friend.

Seth Meyers: Especially after the news that Madoff’s lawyers were asking for him to remain free until the sentencing in June.

John Malkovich: For real?

Seth Meyers: Yeah.

John Malkovich: [ outraged ] Bernie Madoff, I summon the god of old to shower you WITH DEATH!!! You will not be able to flee the wrath of the beast because the streets will be FLOODED WITH YOUR BLOOD!!! GOOD DAY, SIRRRR!!!!

Seth Meyers: [ excited ] YES!! Do you feel better?

John Malkovich: Yes! Quite!

Seth Meyers: John Malkovich, everybody!

Lawmakers in New Jersey are proposing a ban on Brazilian waxing. If it passes, New Jersey will change its nickname to the Overgrown Garden State.

San Francisco officials are cracking down on spontaneous gatherings organized on the Internet, after a pillow fight cost the city $20,000 to clean up the feathers. Though you would think that, in San Francisco, “feather cleanup” would be included in the city budget.

Seth Meyers: An assemblyman in Brooklyn is proposing a ten-dollar tax on patrons of nude and semi-nude dance club and strip bars —

Tracy Morgan: Which brings me to a segment I like to call “Really!? with Tracy Morgan”.

[ title card ]

Tracy Morgan: They want to add a ten-dollar tax for strip clubs?! I really, really, really, really don’t want you to DO this! Really!

[ title card ]

Tracy Morgan V/O: This… is Tracy Morgan!

Seth Meyers: [ flummoxed ] That’s it?

Tracy Morgan: I really don’t like that tax, Seth!

Seth Meyers: Tracy Morgan, everyone!

A rabbi in Massachusetts has created a Purim party bus, in which students from various local colleges can ride around and celebrate the Jewish holiday. Because when I hear “rabbi”, I think “someone who knows how to put together a party bus”.

A man in Pennsylvania, who was pulled over for a DWI, claimed that the police had no jurisdiction over him because he was his own country, saying, “I live inside myself, not in Pennsylvania.” And, in international news, the Republic of Carl was just beaten with some nightsticks.

As GPS units become common features in cars and cell phones, more drivers are encountering map inaccuracies, causing them to drive off the road. Though, if you’re that easily persuaded to just to plow into the woods, maybe driving’s not for you.

Seth Meyers: This week marks the 50th birthday of one of America’s most iconic figures. Here to tell us all about it, please welcome Barbie!

[ Barbie wheels over with arms angled stiffly and a pair of sunglasses attached to her hand. She shuffles them between hands, then lets the sunglasses drop. ]

Barbie: Hi, Seth! Sorry I’m late. I sat in my pink convertible for two hours before I remembered it didn’t have a motor! A good push will only get you so far — oh, Barbie!

Seth Meyers: Well, uh, we’re glad you made it, and I have to say you look great for 50!

Barbie: You’d better be careful! Or I’m gonna give you a sexy little tickle! Here I come. [ she leans forward to grope at Seth without breaking the stiffness of her posture ]

Seth Meyers: Alright! That’s enough, Barbie…

Barbie: What’s the matter, Seth? Not into plastic.

Seth Meyers: Alright, why don’t you tell us how you celebrated your birthday.

Barbie: My friends had a party for me! Midge… Skipper… Black Barbie…

Seth Meyers: Well, that sounds like fun.

Barbie: It was! Until a slutty Bratz doll showed up and cut somebody!

Seth Meyers: So, uh, where was Ken during this?

Barbie: Oh… um… he wasn’t invited.

Seth Meyers: Aren’t you two still together?

Barbie: For tax reasons, we are… but… other than that, not really. The truth is that I haven’t been satisfied with Ken for a long time.

Seth Meyers: Really? Why is that?

Barbie: Have you ever pulled down Ken’s pants?

Seth Meyers: No.

Barbie: No? Don’t. It’s disturbing.

[ Barbie angles her stiff arms over to drag a bottle of Wilson’s Blends Scotch Whiskey closer, then performs the same motion to drag a whiskey glass and an ash tray closer. She awkwardly grips the bottle in such a way so that she can unscrew the cap, but succeeds only in twirling the entire bottle.

Barbie: Can I get a little..?

Seth Meyers: Yeah, I’d be happy to help! [ he grabs the bottle, unscrews the cap and pours ]

Barbie: Thank you! [ she grabs the glass with both hands and swings it upward, spilling the whiskey all over her dress ] Oh, Barbie!

Seth Meyers: Are you okay?

Barbie: Getting older isn’t easy. The dreamhouse is in foreclosure. It’s pretty bad.

Seth Meyers: Well, I mean… you could get a job.

Barbie: Oh, I’ve never had a job! I’ve been a nurse… a stewardess… an astronaut — I got fired from ALL of them!

Seth Meyers: Why do you think that is?

Barbie: Almost, if not every, job requires elbows. Look at me! I type two words a minute! I was a surgeon, for God’s sake! Why did they ever hire me?

Seth Meyers: Your looks.

Barbie: [ she smiles] Seth! Tickle time!

Seth Meyers: [ playfully ] Stop it! Barbie, stop it! Well, thak you for coming by, Barbie! It’s been very lively!

Barbie: Thanks for having me, Seth!

Seth Meyers: Barbie, everyone!

Kevin Richardson, an animal trainer at a preserve in South Africa, said this week that he likes to swim with Meg, a 400-pound lioness that lives there. You can read all about it in his upcoming — and almost certainly unfinished — autobiography.

A man in California is building a boat made out of recycled plastic bottles and plans to sail it to Australia. Hopefully, from no more than fifty feet away from Australia.

This June, hundreds of cyclists will ride naked through Central Park for the World Naked Bike Ride. The event will be followed by the ceremonial Burning of the Bike Seats.

Seth Meyers: For Weekend Update, I’m Seth Meyers! Good night!

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