Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 34: Episode 19
The Fast and the Bi-Curious
Young Mechanic….Seth Rogen
Hot chick….Abby Elliott
(Opens with street racing cars screeching and roaring on the streets)
Announcer: Coming this summer from the makers of “The Fast and The Furious” comes a new film with more action, more excitement and way more testosterone!
(Two guys face each other intensely in a garage)
Blake: I´m gonna smoke your ass, just like I did on the Tokyo circuit.
Young Mechanic: I would´ve won that race if it wasn´t for that exploding piston.
(a hot chick sitting on top of a car puts on make-up)
Hot Chick: Don´t listen, Blake. He´s just trying to psych you out.
Blake: (getting closer) It exploded cause you pushed it too far and it got too hot.
Young Mechanic: That…won´t happen again.
(Blake gets closer to the young mechanic´s mouth, the mechanic closes his eyes, passion sets in)
Blake: (whispers) We´ll see about that.
Hot Chick: Guys? Guys, what´s happening?
Announcer: That´s right. Its The Fast and the Bi-Curious.
(Cars tumble down bridges, crashes)
Announcer: Its just like the Vin Diesel version except slightly gayer.
(The young mechanic works on a car. Blake comes up behind him.)
Blake: So, I guess I´ll see ya´tomorrow at the race, loser!
Young Mechanic: (with love in his eyes) You´re leaving?
Blake: Uh, yeah, well, its late…
Young Mechanic: You could stay here.
Blake: You want me to?
(Young mechanic is torn by man-love)
Announcer: Oh, ye-e-eah! If you like fast cars (Blake looks at the metal slide that measures oil) hot nights (mechanic makes gas funnel looks like his penis) and gay stuff (Blake licks the oil metal slide)then buddy, this is the movie for you! (two guys make out underneath a car, legs intertwined)
(Cut to Blake and the young mechanic)
Young Mechanic: You got some grease on your cheek.
(Licks his thumb and washes away with it the grease stain on Blake´s cheek. Hot chick is disgusted)
Blake: My, you´re cheeky.
Announcer: The Fast and the Bi-Curious. It doesn´t mean you´re gay. Just, maybe don´t get married.
(Blake and the young mechanic are almost kissing, eyes closed)
Blake: (whisper) Tell me to…
Young Mechanic: (whisper) You go first…
(screen goes black)
(cheers and applause)
Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel