Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 34: Episode 19
Save the Funnies
Dick Tracy…..Jason Sudeikis
Hagar the Horrible…..Seth Rogen
Jumble Maker…..Darrell Hammond
Far Side Woman…..Paula Pell
Peppermint Patty…..Kristen Wiig
[ various headlines appear on screen:
CHICAGO SUN-TIMES FILES CHAPTER 11
NEWSPAPER INDUSTRY IN CRISIS
SEATTLE DAILY PAPER FOLDS ] [ dissolve to exterior, Marriott New York Marquis ] [ dissolve to ballroom area, where Dick Tracy leads a meeting of comics page characters ]
Dick Tracy: Alright. Okay. If I could have your attention, please? I’m Dick Tracy, and I’ve called this meeting because newspapers are in trouble! That’s why we’re all here. Now, I’m gonna open up the floor to suggestions, but first I want to thank Hagar the Horrible and his wife Helga for catering this event.
Hagar the Horrible: Helga’s on a SEAFOOD diet — she SEES food, and she EATS it!
Helga: I’ll tell you where Hagar’s really horrible — IN BED!!
Dick Tracy: [ reeling ] Wow. I can already tell the open bar was a mistake. Okay. Alright, now who’s got solutions? Archie and Veronica.
Archie: I know how we can raise money to save newspapers! We’ll get a PAPER ROUTE!
Dick Tracy: Archie? Archie, you’re an idiot. A DUMB idiot!
Jon: Sorry to interrupt, uh — we’d just like to thank everybody here for agreeing to move this to a Tuesday.
Garfield: [ eating lasagna ] Yeah. I HATE Mondays!
Dick Tracy: [ he chuckles ] Ah, that’s no problem. Thanks for coming, Heathcliff.[ Garfield throws down his fork ]
Garfield: Excuse me?! [ he stands ]
Dick Tracy: I-I’m sorry! I’m sorry! Garfield! It’s an honest mistake!
Garfield: You think every orange cat is the same?! That’s RACIST!
Dick Tracy: Well, no! Hey — no, no, no! That’s ridiculous! No! No! Dick Tracy is NOT a racist, okay? Who else? [ looks around, points ] Let’s see. Guy from Boondocks![ cut to befuddled Black Man in the back of the room ]
Coulmnist: I’m not from the Boondocks!
Dick Tracy: [ shakes his head ] No? Jump Start?
Coulmnist: [ peeved ] I write the BRIDGE column![ the room sounds their recognition ]
Dick Tracy: Okay, okay! Alright, okay, come on, people, let’s go! We’re up against iPods and TV and the Internet… I mean, somebody has to have some cutting-edge solutions, alright? [ points ] Okay, you! You! Who are you?
Jumble Maker: I make the Jumbles.
Dick Tracy: Oof! Uhhh… okay. I don’t think you can help us.
Jumble Maker: KCUF you!
Dick Tracy: What?
Jumble Maker: Jumble it.
Dick Tracy: [ thinking ] Hey! Hey! Easy![ Cathy enters ]
Cathy: Hey, sorry I’m late! I had a HOT DATE — with my TV GUIDE! Sweat drops! Whirly lines! Aaacckk!!
Dick Tracy: [ laughing ] Oh, man! Whoo! Cathy… Cathy… we’re trying to think of ways to save our strips.
Cathy: Hey, don’t look at me — I don’t have a strip! Mine’s so overgrown, it looks like the AMAZON RAINFOREST!![ the room is effectively grossed out ]
Dick Tracy: Ack! Eughh! [ Cathy steps down ] Okay, guys, look — we’ve been here for, like, fifty panels! We need an idea that makes sense, alright? [ points ] Uh — Far Side!
Dick Tracy: Never mind. Okay, uh — Political Cartoon![ cut to Political Cartoon, a guy dressed as a convict with “AIG” on his chest and holding a bag marked “BONUSES”; he swirls his fingers. ]
Dick Tracy: Very subtle. Very good. Uh, what about the crew from Peanuts? Peppermint Patty? Marcy?[ cut to Peppermint Patty and Marcy kissing heavily ]
Dick Tracy: Hey, now!
Peppermint Patty: What?!
Dick Tracy: Look, now, I-I-I-I-I always assumed… but… you know..?
Peppermint Patty: Good grief, Chuck! It’s 2009!
Marcy: You tell them, Sir!
Dick Tracy: Okay. Okay. Look, alright, fine.[ Peppermint Patty and Marcy resume their game of tonsil hockey ]
Dick Tracy: Fine, fine, fine! Okay, I give up! Alright? There’s nothing we can do![ suddenly, smoke fills the room, as a wizard holding a Sudoku board enters ]
Dick Tracy: Who are you?!
Sudoku: I am the one who can save you! I am the one you call… SUDOKU!![ the room oohs and ahhs ]
Sudoku: People will buy your funny pages to solve my ancient puzzle!
Dick Tracy: [ thinking ] Wait… I mean, it’s just moving numbers around, right?
Sudoku: [ he laughs uproariously ] SU-DO-KU!!
Dick Tracy: Alright, we’re back in business, gang! Yeah![ fade ]