SNL Transcripts: Seth Rogen: 04/04/09: Seth Rogen’s Monologue


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 34: Episode 19

08s: Seth Rogen / Phoenix

Seth Rogen’s Monologue

…..Seth Rogen
Audience Member 1…..Kristen Wiig
Audience Member 2…..Jason Sudeikis
Audience Member 3…..Bill Hader
Audience Member 4…..Bobby Moynihan
Babe…..Abby Elliott

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Seth Rogen!

Seth Rogen: Thank you! Thank you very much! It is GREAT to be back here hosting “Saturday Night Live”. I’m really excited — I have a new movie coming out called “Observe and Report”. It’s a really funny movie about a mall cop.

Uh, this is my second time hosting, and it’s really — it’s amazing how different things are since I was here last. Uh, for one thing… I lost about one million pounds. [ the audience laughs and cheers ] Another thing is, I feel way more prepared this time. I learned so much since the last time I hosted. Like, for instance: now I know that the head guy’s name is pronounced “Lorne”. Not “Lauren”, or “Laura”. Because those are girl’s names. “Lorne”, on the other hand, is a man’s name. A very normal man’s name.

What else? Oh! Uh, here’s something different. Um — the first time you host, the writers spend a LOT of time working on your monologue. The second time, they get lazy and they tell you to take questions from the audience. So, here we go. [ points to an audience member ] Yes? Uh… you.

Audience Member 1: Hi. Uh, I just want to say I think you look great.

Seth Rogen: Thanks! Thank you! Thank you so much!

Audience Member 1: Did you lose all of that weight after you shot “Paul Blart: Mall Cop”?

Seth Rogen: Uh… I was not in “Paul Blart: Mall Cop”.

Audience Member 1: Oh. I thought you said you were in a mall cop comedy?

Seth Rogen: I am, uh… it’s a completely different mall cop movie.

Audience Member 1: You’re in a second mall cop movie? [ she laughs ] Okay! Good luck with that!

Seth Rogen: Thank you very much…

Audience Member 2: Hey, over here!

Seth Rogen: Yes. Uh… you?

Audience Member 2: Yeah, I just want to start out by saying that I’m really excited to see you in “Paul Blart: Mall Cop”!

Seth Rogen: [ he laughs ] That’s great, but, like I said, I’m not in “Paul Blart: Mall Cop”!

Audience Member 2: Yeah, I know.

Seth Rogen: [ befuddled ] You have a question?

Audience Member 2: No. [ he sits ]

Audience Member 3: [ a pizza delivery guy ] Hey, man! You remember me?

Seth Rogen: Yeah! Actually, I do! You look familiar, man!

Audience Member 3: The delivery guy who used to bring you pizza every night?

Seth Rogen: Oh! yeah, yeah! How’s it going, man?

Audience Member 3: Bad! It’s going bad! I don’t know if you’ve heard, but we’re in the middle of a recession! Not a good time for your best customer to decide to get healthy!

Seth Rogen: Oh. Um… I’m really sorry, man. But what do you want me to do about that?

Audience Member 3: Bailout! I want you to pay me for what you would have spent this month.

Seth Rogen: Okay… fine. How much is that?

Audience Member 3: $3,500.

Seth Rogen: [ bewildered ] $3,500 for pizza?!

Audience Member 3: I’m also your WEED dealer.

Seth Rogen: [ siganls him to “cool out” ] Okay! Okay, I’ll give you that. I’ll give you that after the show.

Audience Member 3: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Thanks, Slim.

Seth Rogen: Alright, so… I guess not everyone is happy I lost the weight!

Audience Member 4: Yeah, I’ll say!

Seth Rogen: [ amused ] Who are you?

Audience Member 4: Hi, uh, my name is, uh, Matt Bankford. I used to tell girls I was Seth Rogen, in effort to sleep with them! Okay? But, now, I can’t do that! ‘Cuase now, when I tell girl I am Seth Rogen, she says, “You CAN’T be Seth Rogen! You’re TOO FAT!!” And what exactly did I do to deserve that kind of cruelty?

Seth Rogen: Uh, I’ll tell you: you lied about your identity to sleep with women. So…

Audience Member 4: Touche.

Seth Rogen: Yeah!

Audience Member 4: [ he sits next to an attractive babe ] Hey! What’s your name?

Babe: Lisa.

Audience Member 4: Hi! I’m Se– [ stops, reconsiders ] I’m Jonah Hill. [ he slyly wraps his around her ]

Seth Rogen: Well, I’m glad to see that he landed on his feet. And I’m glad to be back. Phoenix is here. So, stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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