Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 34: Episode 19
Seth Rogen’s Monologue
Audience Member 1…..Kristen Wiig
Audience Member 2…..Jason Sudeikis
Audience Member 3…..Bill Hader
Audience Member 4…..Bobby Moynihan
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Seth Rogen!
Seth Rogen: Thank you! Thank you very much! It is GREAT to be back here hosting “Saturday Night Live”. I’m really excited — I have a new movie coming out called “Observe and Report”. It’s a really funny movie about a mall cop.
Uh, this is my second time hosting, and it’s really — it’s amazing how different things are since I was here last. Uh, for one thing… I lost about one million pounds. [ the audience laughs and cheers ] Another thing is, I feel way more prepared this time. I learned so much since the last time I hosted. Like, for instance: now I know that the head guy’s name is pronounced “Lorne”. Not “Lauren”, or “Laura”. Because those are girl’s names. “Lorne”, on the other hand, is a man’s name. A very normal man’s name.
What else? Oh! Uh, here’s something different. Um — the first time you host, the writers spend a LOT of time working on your monologue. The second time, they get lazy and they tell you to take questions from the audience. So, here we go. [ points to an audience member ] Yes? Uh… you.
Audience Member 1: Hi. Uh, I just want to say I think you look great.
Seth Rogen: Thanks! Thank you! Thank you so much!
Audience Member 1: Did you lose all of that weight after you shot “Paul Blart: Mall Cop”?
Seth Rogen: Uh… I was not in “Paul Blart: Mall Cop”.
Audience Member 1: Oh. I thought you said you were in a mall cop comedy?
Seth Rogen: I am, uh… it’s a completely different mall cop movie.
Audience Member 1: You’re in a second mall cop movie? [ she laughs ] Okay! Good luck with that!
Seth Rogen: Thank you very much…
Audience Member 2: Hey, over here!
Seth Rogen: Yes. Uh… you?
Audience Member 2: Yeah, I just want to start out by saying that I’m really excited to see you in “Paul Blart: Mall Cop”!
Seth Rogen: [ he laughs ] That’s great, but, like I said, I’m not in “Paul Blart: Mall Cop”!
Audience Member 2: Yeah, I know.
Seth Rogen: [ befuddled ] You have a question?
Audience Member 2: No. [ he sits ]
Audience Member 3: [ a pizza delivery guy ] Hey, man! You remember me?
Seth Rogen: Yeah! Actually, I do! You look familiar, man!
Audience Member 3: The delivery guy who used to bring you pizza every night?
Seth Rogen: Oh! yeah, yeah! How’s it going, man?
Audience Member 3: Bad! It’s going bad! I don’t know if you’ve heard, but we’re in the middle of a recession! Not a good time for your best customer to decide to get healthy!
Seth Rogen: Oh. Um… I’m really sorry, man. But what do you want me to do about that?
Audience Member 3: Bailout! I want you to pay me for what you would have spent this month.
Seth Rogen: Okay… fine. How much is that?
Audience Member 3: $3,500.
Seth Rogen: [ bewildered ] $3,500 for pizza?!
Audience Member 3: I’m also your WEED dealer.
Seth Rogen: [ siganls him to “cool out” ] Okay! Okay, I’ll give you that. I’ll give you that after the show.
Audience Member 3: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Thanks, Slim.
Seth Rogen: Alright, so… I guess not everyone is happy I lost the weight!
Audience Member 4: Yeah, I’ll say!
Seth Rogen: [ amused ] Who are you?
Audience Member 4: Hi, uh, my name is, uh, Matt Bankford. I used to tell girls I was Seth Rogen, in effort to sleep with them! Okay? But, now, I can’t do that! ‘Cuase now, when I tell girl I am Seth Rogen, she says, “You CAN’T be Seth Rogen! You’re TOO FAT!!” And what exactly did I do to deserve that kind of cruelty?
Seth Rogen: Uh, I’ll tell you: you lied about your identity to sleep with women. So…
Audience Member 4: Touche.
Seth Rogen: Yeah!
Audience Member 4: [ he sits next to an attractive babe ] Hey! What’s your name?
Audience Member 4: Hi! I’m Se– [ stops, reconsiders ] I’m Jonah Hill. [ he slyly wraps his around her ]
Seth Rogen: Well, I’m glad to see that he landed on his feet. And I’m glad to be back. Phoenix is here. So, stick around, we’ll be right back!