SNL Transcripts: Seth Rogen: 04/04/09: Muppets Hit & Run

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 34: Episode 19

08s: Seth Rogen / Phoenix

Muppets Hit & Run

Beaker…..Kristen Wiig
Swedish Chef…..Andy Samberg
Animal…..Bill Hader
Janice…..Michaela Watkins
Zoot…..Fred Armisen
Fozzy Bear…..Jason Sudeikis
Gonzo…..Bobby Moynihan
Kermit the Frog…..Will Forte
Rolf…..Seth Rogen
Policeman…..Kenan Thompson

[ open on exterior, scene of the bus traveling down the road in “The Muppet Movie” ] [ dissolve to interior of bus, with Beaker, Swedish Chef, Animal, Janice, Zoot, Fozzy Bear, Gonzo, Kermit the Frog, and Rolf singing “Movin’ Right Along” ]

Rolf: Great song, gang!

Swedish Chef: Borgie borg!

Kermit the Frog: You said it, Chef!

Gonzo: Friends, fun, and song — that’s what it’s all about!

[ Animal gets excited in the background ]

Rolf: Animal! Calm down back there!

Kermit the Frog: Oh, Rolf! Look out!

[ Rolf jerks the wheel, causing the bus to bounce as it rolls over a body. Everyone is shell-shocked ]

Gonzo: Oh, my God! I — I think we hit someone!

Rolf: No… no. Weeeee didn’t hit, uh, anything!

Kermit the Frog: Uh, Rolf? We should stop.

Rolf: [ shaking his head ] Nope! We’re not stopping!

Gonzo: There’s blood all over the hood!

[ Animal panics in the background ]

Janice: Yeah. I’m freakin’ out, here.

[ a police siren sounds in the background ]

Kermit the Frog: Oh, no! It’s the fuzz! I — I told you we shuld have stopped.

Rolf: Listen, Kermit — go play your banjo! I’ve got this!

Kermit the Frog: Fine. But you’re taking the hit,

Fozzy Bear: Wow, Kermit! You really “threw him under the bus” on that one! Wacka-wacka-wacka!

Gonzo: Too soon, Fozzy.

[ Animal gets excited in the background, as Rolf pulls over ]

Rolf: Okay! It’s crunch time, gang! Does anyone have anything illegal on them?

[ Animal lifts a pile of dynamite and a bag of cocaine ]

Animal: Boom boom, sniff sniff!

Fozzy Bear: [ lifts a large screw ] We’re screwed, ha haaa!

[ Beaker panics in the background ]

Gonzo: Aw, man! Beaker’s freaking out!

[ the Swedish Chef tries to calm Beaker down to no avail, so he slaps him across the face ]

Sweish Chef: Smorgie… smorg!

[ Beaker relaxes ]

Rolf: He’s coming! Listen up! THIS is what went down: We were singing and being friends. That’s it! Nothing happened! Got it?Everyone: GOT IT!!!

Rolf: Good! Act natural!

[ everyone assumes a natural pose, as a policeman played by Nipsey Russell enters the bus ]

Policeman: Well, well, well! If it isn’t the Muppets!


Policeman: [ reciting ] “There once was a bus full of creatures –“

[ a shot rings out; the policeman doubles over ]

Policeman: OW!!

[ everyone looks up to discover that Zoot is holding a shotgun ]

Policeman: You shot me!

[ the policeman stumbles out of the bus ]

Zoot: If anyone has a problem with what just happened… say it now!

[ everyone hsakes their head no, scared out of their wits ]

Kermit the Frog: Floor it!

[ Rolf peels out ]

Rolf: Well, gang… looks like we’re off to Mexico!

[ everyone breaks into the chorus from the “Muppet Show” theme ] [ the policeman reappears in the back window, chasing after them. The Muppets scream ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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