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Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 34: Episode 19
Muppets Hit & Run
Beaker…..Kristen Wiig
Swedish Chef…..Andy Samberg
Animal…..Bill Hader
Janice…..Michaela Watkins
Zoot…..Fred Armisen
Fozzy Bear…..Jason Sudeikis
Gonzo…..Bobby Moynihan
Kermit the Frog…..Will Forte
Rolf…..Seth Rogen
Policeman…..Kenan Thompson
[ open on exterior, scene of the bus traveling down the road in “The Muppet Movie” ]
[ dissolve to interior of bus, with Beaker, Swedish Chef, Animal, Janice, Zoot, Fozzy Bear, Gonzo, Kermit the Frog, and Rolf singing “Movin’ Right Along” ]
Rolf: Great song, gang!
Swedish Chef: Borgie borg!
Kermit the Frog: You said it, Chef!
Gonzo: Friends, fun, and song — that’s what it’s all about!
[ Animal gets excited in the background ]
Rolf: Animal! Calm down back there!
Kermit the Frog: Oh, Rolf! Look out!
[ Rolf jerks the wheel, causing the bus to bounce as it rolls over a body. Everyone is shell-shocked ]
Gonzo: Oh, my God! I — I think we hit someone!
Rolf: No… no. Weeeee didn’t hit, uh, anything!
Kermit the Frog: Uh, Rolf? We should stop.
Rolf: [ shaking his head ] Nope! We’re not stopping!
Gonzo: There’s blood all over the hood!
[ Animal panics in the background ]
Janice: Yeah. I’m freakin’ out, here.
[ a police siren sounds in the background ]
Kermit the Frog: Oh, no! It’s the fuzz! I — I told you we shuld have stopped.
Rolf: Listen, Kermit — go play your banjo! I’ve got this!
Kermit the Frog: Fine. But you’re taking the hit,
Fozzy Bear: Wow, Kermit! You really “threw him under the bus” on that one! Wacka-wacka-wacka!
Gonzo: Too soon, Fozzy.
[ Animal gets excited in the background, as Rolf pulls over ]
Rolf: Okay! It’s crunch time, gang! Does anyone have anything illegal on them?
[ Animal lifts a pile of dynamite and a bag of cocaine ]
Animal: Boom boom, sniff sniff!
Fozzy Bear: [ lifts a large screw ] We’re screwed, ha haaa!
[ Beaker panics in the background ]
Gonzo: Aw, man! Beaker’s freaking out!
[ the Swedish Chef tries to calm Beaker down to no avail, so he slaps him across the face ]
Sweish Chef: Smorgie… smorg!
[ Beaker relaxes ]
Rolf: He’s coming! Listen up! THIS is what went down: We were singing and being friends. That’s it! Nothing happened! Got it?Everyone: GOT IT!!!
Rolf: Good! Act natural!
[ everyone assumes a natural pose, as a policeman played by Nipsey Russell enters the bus ]
Policeman: Well, well, well! If it isn’t the Muppets!
EVeryone: NIPSEY RUSSELL!!
Policeman: [ reciting ] “There once was a bus full of creatures –“
[ a shot rings out; the policeman doubles over ]
Policeman: OW!!
[ everyone looks up to discover that Zoot is holding a shotgun ]
Policeman: You shot me!
[ the policeman stumbles out of the bus ]
Zoot: If anyone has a problem with what just happened… say it now!
[ everyone hsakes their head no, scared out of their wits ]
Kermit the Frog: Floor it!
[ Rolf peels out ]
Rolf: Well, gang… looks like we’re off to Mexico!
[ everyone breaks into the chorus from the “Muppet Show” theme ]
[ the policeman reappears in the back window, chasing after them. The Muppets scream ]
[ fade ]
