A Special Address From the President of the United States
President Barack Obama…..Fred Armisen
[ open on presidential seal ]
Announcer: The following is a Special Address from the President of the United States.
[ dissolve to President Barack Obama seated in Oval Office replica ]
President Barack Obama: Good evening, my fellow Americans. I am speaking to you tonight from EUROPE! And, as you’ve probably heard… they all went NUTS for me! [ he smiles with grandiose confidence ] It was almost scary.
But, tonight, I’d like to focus on the… American economy. Earlier this week, my administration issued a major decision regarding the federal bailout of automakers Chrysler and General Motors. We announced that as a condition of future government assistance, Chrsyler must complete its merger with Fiat in the next thirty days. And GM must both replace its CEO, Rick Wagoner, and outline a new plan to achieve solvency within sixty days. Otherwise, all federal funding will be… cut off.
Now, some have suggested that these demands are UNFAIR! They feel that the auto industry is being singled out for PUNISHMENT! And held to a higher standard than other sectors of the U.S. ECONOMY! Not so. Let me assure you, in the days ahead, my administration intends to do to every industry in this country EXACTLY what we are doing to the auto makers! When we’re finished, every corporation in America will have been thoroughly vetted for fiscal soundness! Those judged best able to compete in the global economy will be offered a government subsidy. The others will be asked to seize operations AT ONCE! And go out of business. We hope they will do so voluntarily. If not, they will be shut BY FORCE!
Here are some we’ve decided on so far:
In the category of riding lawnmowers:
Now, toothpaste, I went back and forth on this:
National Football League:
And finally, soft drinks:
These are just a few of the determinations we have made so far. For the rest, and for new rulings as they are announced, please visit our website at www.toughbastard.org.
So, thank you for your attention. May God bless America. And “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”