Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 34: Episode 20
Officer Williams…..Bobby Moynihan
Eliot Spitzer…..Bill Hader
[ open on exterior, Jolly Trolley ]
[ dissolve to interior, Andy and Zac seated at the bar ]
Bartender: Here you go, fellas… two PBRs. [ stops ] Hey, wait, wait, wait, wait… are you guys 21?
[ Andy and Zac look at one another with great worry, until the Bartender breaks the tension with a smile ]
Bartender: I’m just messin’ with you guys! [ he taps the counter and taps away ]
[ Andy and Zac cltch their beers, then swivel their barstools with surprise in their eyes ]
Zac: Oh… my… God, man! I can’t believe it! We’re actually doing it! We’re in a bar!
Andy: [ sipping his beer ] My brother was right — they NEVER card here! It’s the BEST!
Amazing! We should get EVERYONE to come here after Prom!
Andy: Most definitely!
[ Andy continues to sip his beers, as Zac scans the room ]
Zac: Hey, that’s kinda weird.
Andy: Hmm? What?
Zac: That table over there —
[ cut to the table, where three grade-school kids sit with beer and toys in tow ]
Zac: Those kids look really young.
Andy: [ looking ] Yeah, I guess.
Zac: No, seriously. Look at that table over there.
[ cut to another table, populated by more grade-school kids ]
Andy: Oh, yeah… man… I guess they really don’t card here. [ he chuckles ]
Zac: This is insane. Those kids are… ten years old.
Andy: Dude! Relax! They’re just here to have a good time, like us.
[ suddenly, the three kids at the table drops a shot into their beer mugs and chug it down ]
[ Andy smiles at this, as the Bartender reappears behind them ]
Bartender: Hey, here you go, gangstas. Here’s two shots of Tequila.
Andy: Oh… we didn’t order any shots.
Bartender: Uhhh, no — it’s from the, uh, ladies over there. [ he points ]
[ cut to two grade-school girls smiling and waving at Andy and Zac ]
Andy: Dude! Ni-ice!
Zac: Oh, my God!
Andy: Thank you, ladies!
Bartender: Whoa! Careful, guys. They’re gerbils. [ Andy and Zac are confused ] Yeah, it’s the opposite of cougars. [ he steps away ]
Zac: Dude, uhhh… I think we should get out of here.
Andy: No, dude, it’s GREAT! I mean… the bouncer’s kind of a dick, but I think we should stay.
[ the Bouncer passes by, holding a newborn baby in his hands ]
Bouncer: Listen, man — I done told you several times! Can’t be starting fights in a bar! Ohhhh, don’t give me that look!
Zac: Okay… that’s it, man! I can’t take it, I’m leaving.
Andy: Fine. Gosh, you’re such a drag.
[ they put their beers down and head for the door, as Officer Williams enters ]
Officer Williams: Attention, everyone! I’m Officer Williams, and I need to see everyone’s I.D.! We have reason to suspect that this bar serves alcohol to minors!
Zac: Really? How ever did you get that idea?
Officer Williams: We have a man on the inside!
[ cut to a toddler holding up a badge ]
Officer Williams: Nice work, Detective!
[ suddenly, Eliot Spitzer enters and addresses the camera ]
Eliot Spitzer: Hello! I’m disgraced former New York governor Eliot Spitzer. Underage drinking is a big problem. Maybe not as big as the Wall Street thing, but, come on! It’s something, right? [ he holds his smile ]
Announcer: [ over SUPER: ] Eliot Spitzer. Coming back… one issue at a time.
[ fade ]