Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 34: Episode 20
Younger Brother…..Zac Efron
Older Brother…..Jason Sudeikis
[ open on exterior, above-garage apartment, rock music playing ] [ dissolve to interior, Younger Brother peeking in as Older Brother jams on his guitar ]
Younger Brother: Hey, bro? You got a minute?
Older Brother: [ looks over ] Huh? Oh, yeah, yeah! Yeah, little bro — I’ve got LOTS of minutes. [ stops playing ] Oh, man, I love Guitar Hero, huh?
Younger Brother: Where’s your X-Box?
Older Brother: Oh, I couldn’t afford one. Yeah. so I just bought the guitar. You know, it’s still fun! [ ] So what brings you up to my loft above the garage, little man?
Younger Brother: Uh… [ he sits ] I need some advice.
Older Brother: Good! Okay. Good, good. Yeah, hit me!
Younger Brother: Um — you know, mom and dad are gone for the weekend —
Older Brother: Mmm-hmm.
Younger Brother: And I, uh, invited Becky over, and, uh —
Older Brother: [ smiles ] Ohhhhkay! Let me guess… let me guess. You gotta borrow some Jimmy hands.
Younger Brother: No. I don’t think that’s gonna be the issue.
Older Brother: Ohh! Okay! Alright, I got it! Yuo never pumped her tire, huh? Huh? Split the uprights, right? I’m gonna show you a, uh, sure-fire way to get your ranch dressing in her hidden valley!
Younger Brother: [ stands to leave ] Aw, forget it!
Older Brother: Wait! No, hey, hey, hey!
Younger Brother: I’ll look for advice online!
Older Brother: No, no, come on! That is the way I talk, alright? I’m not sorry about that — at all! That is ME, 100%! Now, park it! Park it!
Younger Brother: [ he sits ] What do I do?
Older Brother: [ smiles ] You ready? [ a beat ] Foot rub!
Younger Brother: Foot rub?
Older Brother: Yes! Now… there is only one way to learn how to give a great foot rub. And that is by GETTING a great foot rub.
Younger Brother: [ chuckles, stands ] No, thanks!
Older Brother: [ grabs him ] Ohhhh, YES, thanks! Yes, bro, right here! [ he taps the coffee table ] Put your foot right up here. Shoe off — let’s do it! [ Younger brother removes his shoe and puts his foot on the table ] There you go. What is this? [ removes his sock ] Come on, I’m your brother — this isn’t weird! Alright, first off: you gotta start by sanitizing right there, that’s what you gotta do. [ sprays his brother’s foot ]
Younger Brother: Wait — is that Pledge?
Older Brother: Yeah, yeah! Yeah! I mean, it’s a generic brand, but, essentially, yes. Yeah, that’s all that is. [ puts the Pledge down and picks up a t-shirt ] Alright. Now, you just use a t-shirt to dry that off there.
Younger Brother: Why do you keep a crusty t-shirt by the couch?
Older Brother: Don’t worry about it! Don’t worry about it! Alright… alright, next, you want to stimulate the foot. [ picks up a troll-doll pencil ] Ideally, this would be a feather. Okay? You just wanna… [ he tickles the troll-doll along his brother’s foot ]
Younger Brother: [ pulling away ] It tickles, man!
Older Brother: Yeah! I KNOW it tickles! It’s a TROLL DOLL — that’s what they DO! [ drops the troll-doll, picks up baby oil ] Alright, now what you want to do is cut down the friction. Baby oil does the trick. [ he squirts the oil onto his brother’s foot ]
Younger Brother: Why do you keep baby oil next to that crunchy t-shirt?
Older Brother: Don’t worry about it! Don’t worry about it! [ he rubs his brother’s foot with the t-shirt ] Alright, here we go. What you want to do is, you want to cradle the foot like it’s a trophy you just won. [ he cradles his brother’s foot ] You see that? Then you want to work the sides. [ he runs his fingers up his brother’s foot ] Work the rims, just like that. Alright? Work the rims. Do that. Right? right? [ grabs individual toes ] Look at this little piggie… this piggie. Now, you want to do this to “Bat-Man”, the TV show. Ready? [ runs his fingers up his brother’s foot while humming the “Bat-Man” theme ]
Younger Brother: [ pulling away ] Okay, man, I don’t want to DO this any more!
Older Brother: Okay, look — fine! Okay — fine! You don’t want to do this, I understand. You can just spend the rest of your life Yankovic-ing your Weird Al!
Younger Brother: What does that even mean?
Older Brother: Oh, you know EXACTLY what it means! Come on!
Younger Brother: It’s just, my leg’s starting to cramp, man.
Older Brother: Okay! Alright! We’ll just put it a little bit higher, that’s all. [ he picks up a stack of catalogs ] Put it on these catalogues. There you go.
Younger Brother: Why do you have all of those Lane Bryant catalogs.
Older Brother: Don’t worry about it! Don’t worry about it! Okay. Alright. You know what? I know why this feels weird: we haven’t set the mood.
Younger Brother: Yeah, yeah… that’s why this is weird.
Older Brother: Ye-eah! Okay, you know what sets the mood? Some tunes. [ he picks up a remote to turn Heatwave’s “Always and Forever” onto his stereo ] There you go! I’ll just dim the lights… [ he tosses a tennis ball at an offscreen light switch ] There’s that! [ he grabs a match ] Alright… now I’m just gonna light a match really quick.
Younger Brother: [ worried ] Why? Why are you lighting a match?
Older Brother: Because I just farted — don’t worry about it. [ grabs his brother’s foot again ] There you go. Now, right off the bat, what you want to do is make little circles. Just use your thumbs. There you go… there you go. Alright? Just make little circles like “Karate Kid”, right? “Whack on… whack off…” There you go!
Younger Brother: Isn’t it “Wax on… wax off?”
Older Brother: I don’t know — I’ve never seen it. Okay. Alright. Shh. Just pay attention so you can replicate, okay?[ Older Brother starts singing along to the lyrics, then slowly but systematically raises his younger brother’s foot to his mouth ]
Younger Brother: Stop! What the heck?! Hey! What are you doing, man?! Let go of my foot!! Oh, my God!! Let go of me, man!! HELP!! [ he manages to lean back and thrust his other leg up so as to push his oldr brother off of him ]
Older Brother: Okay!! Okay!! FINE!! [ he turns the lights back on ] Sorry, man! [ he turns the stereo off ] sorry, man — I got in the moment. That was my bad. My bad. Alright? [ he sits ] You want some advice? I’ll give you some really good advice: Just be yourself.
Younger Brother: [ exhausted ] Okay.
Older Brother: Alright.
Younger Brother: Thanks, man…
Older Brother: Okay. Where you going?
Younger Brother: I’m going to WASH my FOOT!!
Older Brother: Makes sense. Makes sense.
Younger Brother: What are you gonna do?
Older Brother: Uhhh — you know, I was thinking about playing some Guitar Hero? But, uh — you know, now that I’ve got the, uh, baby oil, t-shirt, and catalogues out… [ he smacks his knee ] I might og a different way.[ as the younger brother slinks out of the loft, the older brother turns up the mood music and tosses the tennis ball at the light switch ] [ fade ]