Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 34: Episode 20
A Message from the Alliance of Direct Mail Marketers
David Pappas…..Jason Sudeikis
Announcer: [ over title card ] “A message from the Alliance of Direct Mail Marketers. The “Junk Mail” People.”[ dissolve to footage of forest land ]
David Pappas: [ enters frame ] When you look at this, what do you see? A forest? Well, at the Alliance of Direct Mail Marketers, we see something FAR more wonderful: we see 250 million pre-approved credit card offers… [ he holds up a credit card offer ] 100 million Radio Shack circulars… [ he holds up the circulars ] or 6,000 tons of Sharper Image catalogs. [ he holds up the catalogs ] And, if you ask us, that beats a forest any day!
Announcer: [ over title card ] “But isn’t junk mail a waste of money?”[ dissolve to Pappas in his office ]
David Pappas: First of all, we don’t like the term “junk mail.” We prefer to call it “free mail”… or “fun, surprise mail”! Now, as to… [ makes quotes sign ] “junk mail” being wasteful — that is a complete myth. What people don’t realize is that junk mail is massively subsidized by the federal government![ show chart: “U.S. House of Representatives Subcommittee on the Post Office” ]
Because of our campaign contributions to key members of Congress, I’m proud to say that we can send out 500,000 Dell catalogs for the cost of a single First-Class stamp! The true cost… is paid by taxpayers. So, wasteful? [ chuckles lightly ] Not from our perspective!
And as for the trees involved? Please understand: we didn’t have to pay to grow them! They were growing anyway! Many for hundreds of years!
Announcer: [ over title card ] “How does my name get on a mailing list?”[ dissolve to Pappas in his office ]
David Pappas: For consumers, THAT’S the best part! Yuo don’t have to do a THING! Whenever you open a bank account, register to vote, rent an apartment, used car, buy a car, have your phone conversations monitored by the Department of Homeland Security — whatever! We get ALL your personal information, AUTOMATICALLY!
From there, we do all the work. Let’s say we’re looking at your private personal data, and we see that you’re a young woman who’se been treated for a sexually transmitted disease. Like, for example: Allison Schweitzer, of 1512 Marvin Ave. in Eau claire, Wisconsin. [ show her photo ] We might decide, hey… here’s someone who would enjoy receiving the Victoria’s Secret catalog. [ he holds up the catalog ] Or… a free issue of Pierced Lifestyle Magazine. [ he holds up the magazine ] Allison doesn’t have to lift a finger. She can just sit back and watch the mail roll in! An amount she can only dream of![ footage of a monuntain of mail tumbling onto her den ]
Announcer: [ over title card ] “With your organization having access to all this data on private individuals, isn’t there a danger of identity theft?”[ dissolve to Pappas in his office ]
David Pappas: Look. Let’s be frank. We sell your personal imfornation to SO many different outsider groups, we can’t be expected to couch for ALL of them. But, in our experience, better than 80% — 4 out of 5 — are ABSOLUTELY honest. And when we send out that data — such as credit card numbers, Social Security numbers, psychiatric records, mother’s maiden name, ATM pin number, etc. — we’re careful to add a note: “Warning: Not To Be Used For Identity Theft.”
Announcer: [ over title card ] “Thak you for your frank answers to all my questions. I appreciate your taking the time, and keep up the good work!”[ dissolve to Pappas in his office ]
David Pappas: Not at all. That’s what we’re here for.
Announcer: [ over title card ] “The Alliance of Direct Mail Marketers. The more you know about us, the more you like us.”[ fade ]