Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 34: Episode 20
A Message from the Alliance of Direct Mail Marketers
David Pappas…..Jason Sudeikis
Announcer: [ over title card ] “A message from the Alliance of Direct Mail Marketers. The “Junk Mail” People.”[ dissolve to footage of forest land ]
David Pappas: [ enters frame ] When you look at this, what do you see? A forest? Well, at the Alliance of Direct Mail Marketers, we see something FAR more wonderful: we see 250 million pre-approved credit card offers… [ he holds up a credit card offer ] 100 million Radio Shack circulars… [ he holds up the circulars ] or 6,000 tons of Sharper Image catalogs. [ he holds up the catalogs ] And, if you ask us, that beats a forest any day!
Announcer: [ over title card ] “But isn’t junk mail a waste of money?”[ dissolve to Pappas in his office ]
David Pappas: First of all, we don’t like the term “junk mail.” We prefer to call it “free mail”… or “fun, surprise mail”! Now, as to… [ makes quotes sign ] “junk mail” being wasteful — that is a complete myth. What people don’t realize is that junk mail is massively subsidized by the federal government!
Because of our campaign contributions to key members of Congress, I’m proud to say that we can send out 500,000 Dell catalogs for the cost of a single First-Class stamp! The true cost… is paid by taxpayers. So, wasteful? [ chuckles lightly ] Not from our perspective!
And as for the trees involved? Please understand: we didn’t have to pay to grow them! They were growing anyway! Many for hundreds of years!
Announcer: [ over title card ] “How does my name get on a mailing list?”[ dissolve to Pappas in his office ]
David Pappas: For consumers, THAT’S the best part! Yuo don’t have to do a THING! Whenever you open a bank account, register to vote, rent an apartment, used car, buy a car, have your phone conversations monitored by the Department of Homeland Security — whatever! We get ALL your personal information, AUTOMATICALLY!
From there, we do all the work. Let’s say we’re looking at your private personal data, and we see that you’re a young woman who’se been treated for a sexually transmitted disease. Like, for example: Allison Schweitzer, of 1512 Marvin Ave. in Eau claire, Wisconsin. [ show her photo ] We might decide, hey… here’s someone who would enjoy receiving the Victoria’s Secret catalog. [ he holds up the catalog ] Or… a free issue of Pierced Lifestyle Magazine. [ he holds up the magazine ] Allison doesn’t have to lift a finger. She can just sit back and watch the mail roll in! An amount she can only dream of![ footage of a monuntain of mail tumbling onto her den ]
Announcer: [ over title card ] “With your organization having access to all this data on private individuals, isn’t there a danger of identity theft?”[ dissolve to Pappas in his office ]
David Pappas: Look. Let’s be frank. We sell your personal imfornation to SO many different outsider groups, we can’t be expected to couch for ALL of them. But, in our experience, better than 80% — 4 out of 5 — are ABSOLUTELY honest. And when we send out that data — such as credit card numbers, Social Security numbers, psychiatric records, mother’s maiden name, ATM pin number, etc. — we’re careful to add a note: “Warning: Not To Be Used For Identity Theft.”
Announcer: [ over title card ] “Thak you for your frank answers to all my questions. I appreciate your taking the time, and keep up the good work!”[ dissolve to Pappas in his office ]
David Pappas: Not at all. That’s what we’re here for.
Announcer: [ over title card ] “The Alliance of Direct Mail Marketers. The more you know about us, the more you like us.”[ fade ]