Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 34: Episode 20
Joe Biden…..Jason Sudeikis
President Barack Obama…..Fred Armisen
[ open on exterior, White House, night ]
Joe Biden V/O: Yeah… alright…[ dissolve to interior, Oval Office, Vice-President Joe Biden seated at the President’s desk ]
Joe Biden: [ into phone intercom ] Give me Jack Baurer! [ he laughs at his own antics ] Give me Jack Baurer! That would be something, huh? Ha ha ha![ suddenly, President Barack Obama enters the Oval Office ]
Joe Biden: [ jumps ] HEY!!! Hey, there he is! Oh, you caught me at your desk again! I’m sorry about that! [ he stands ]
President Barack Obama: Hello, Joe. How are you?
Joe Biden: I’m good! I’m good! There you go! [ he steps around the desk ] Gotta be honest with you, you know? I kinda got used to sitting at the Big Boy chair while you were in Europe! [ he chuckles ] Well, hey! Welcome back, Mr. President! [ he holds out his arms, as Obama relunctantly goes in for the hug ] Bring ‘er in! There you go! Alright! Yeeeeeaaaahhh!! So, what’d you bring me?
President Barack Obama: Uh — well, uh, we didn’t have much time for, uh, shopping, Joe.
Joe Biden: WHAAT?!! Ohhhh, no! Not even a… duty-free Toblerone [ he laughs ] No, I’m kidding, sir — believe me! I know how international diplomacy works. I remember April ’93, Sarajevo — I look Slobodan Miloevic right in the eye, and I said: “Sir! I think you’re a damn war criminal!” [ he chuckles ] Yeah! Yeah, there was no time for shopping then, either!
President Barack Obama: You can relax, Joe — you got the job!
Joe Biden: No, no, no, I know, I know, okay…
President Barack Obama: And, uh — there’s some things I need to get done.
Joe Biden: Okay, well, you know, I’ll get out of your hair, but, uh, I just want to say: It’s GREAT to have you back! But, just so you know, while you were gone, uh, I had things udner control!
President Barack Obama: I knew the country was in good hands, Joe.
Joe Biden: Yep! Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep! [ he sits on the edge of the desk ] Kept it on LOCK DOWN! [ he chuckles ]
President Barack Obama: Yeah. I never doubted you for a moment, Joe. [ he sits ]
Joe Biden: Yeah, you know — you know what happened is, uh — I moved myself into the office here, I just kind of made myself at home. I don’t want to toot my own horn, sir, but, uh… the market stayed pretty steady on my watch. You know? [ raises his hand high ] Smooooth sai– [ lowers his hand midway ] Well, I guess it’s more like smooooth sailing!
President Barack Obama: Okay. Well, uh — you know, I, uh —
Joe Biden: Yeah. Hey! You know, I, uh — I heard about your little secret trip to Baghdad! [ he chuckles, as Obama gives him a hard look ] Yeah! Yeah, yeah! I heard about that after the fact — on the news, like everyone else. But, uh — you know, rest assured, if I HAD known beforehand, you know? Right here. [ he zips his lip ] Yep! Old Joe knows how to keep his mouth SHUT! You can count on it!
President Barack Obama: Okay.
Joe Biden: Okay! Alright! Okay, so, uhhh… we’ll talk later this week. Check in?
President Barack Obama: [ generously ] You know, you’re a valuable part of this administration.
Joe Biden: [ solemn ] Right back atcha! Right back atcha. Alright. [ he turns and exits ]
President Barack Obama: [ into intercom ] Uhhh… Katie? I need Secretary Gates.
Joe Biden: [ returns ] Hey! Hey, I don’t know if you’ve heard about this, but… I’ve been dustin’ it up with Dirty Dick Cheney! [ he laughs ] Yeah!
President Barack Obama: I, uhhh — I heard about that.
Joe Biden: Yeah, yeah, yeah! He was talkin’ all kinds of mess about your national security policy! And I said, “Dick! I think you’re DEAD WRONG!!” I’ve always got your back, sir!
President Barack Obama: I-I-I thank you for it.
Joe Biden: Yeah. Oh, boy! Boy, what I wouldn’t do to go mano-a-mano with that S.O.B., rinnin’ you down like that! Oh, come on! Of course, he’d probably shoot me in the face, right? [ he chuckles heartily ]
President Barack Obama: Right… right…
Joe Biden: Oh, you remember when Dick Cheney shot that guy in the face! [ he laughs ]
President Barack Obama: Yeah. I… I do. Yeah.
Joe Biden: [ after a beat ] Hey! I went to Opening Day!
President Barack Obama: Uh-huh… uh-huh…
Joe Biden: Yeah! I threw out the first pitch!
President Barack Obama: Uh-huh…
Joe Biden: STEEEEE-RIIIKE!!!
President Barack Obama: That’s really… really great.
Joe Biden: Yeah. Yeah. What else? What else? Oh, wait! Karl Rove called me a LIAR!
President Barack Obama: [ ignoring him to do some paperwork ] I heard about that…
Joe Biden: Yeah, I was telling that story — you know, the one about me with President Bush, when he said to me, “Joe, I’m a leader!” You know? And I said, “Mr. President! Turn around and look — no one’s following you!” [ he chuckles heartily ] ZING! Right? Ah, there’s one for Joe! Ah, Rove says I never said that!
President Barack Obama: Well… did you really say that, Joe?
Joe Biden: Ah, who really knows? I lose track of that sort of stuff. [ a beat ] Well, I’d better let you get back to work! So, listen to me jibber-jabber over here! You take it easy, alright? [ he nudges Obama ] I’m a phone call away. Don’t be a stranger! [ he starts to walk away, then stops again ] Oh, hey! Actually, I should probably take these… [ he collects his family pictures ] You probably don’t need pictures of my family, right? Yeah! Yeah! You gotta know who you’re doin’ it for, right? You don’t want any of these, do you?
President Barack Obama: No.
Joe Biden: Okay, sure! Right! [ he grabs a picture of himself ] Look at that — I autographed that one! Yep! Alrighty, here we go! Okie-doke, kiddo, I’ll talk to you later, alright?
President Barack Obama: Okay.
Joe Biden: See you later![ Biden scurries out of the office, as Obama waits a moment ]
President Barack Obama: [ into intercom ] Uhhhh — he’s gone, right?
Voice: Yes, sir.
President Barack Obama: Okay, lock the door.
Joe Biden: [ rushing back in ] Oh, hey! One last thing! [ into the camera ] “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”