Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 34: Episode 21
Immigrant #1…..Bobby Moynihan
Immigrant #2…..Casey Wilson
Immigrant #3…..Will Forte
Immigrant #4…..Bill Hader
Cornelius Timberlake…..Justin Timberlake
Moyshe Samberg…..Andy Samberg
[ Open on black and white footage of a boat sailing next to Ellis Island words at bottom of screen read New York Harbor, 1883 ]
Immigrant #1: [with Irish accent] Oh look, Ellis Island! The new world is upon us! I can smell it in me nose!
Immigrant #2: Just think of it, a chance to start a new life for our children.
Immigrant #3: And our childrens children.
Immigrant #4: Why, someday I hope that me own great, great grandson might own his own land.
Immigrant #2: I hope my great, great grandson will be a doctor.
Immigrant #1: What about you, Cornelius Timberlake? What do you think your great, great grandson will be like?
Cornelius Timberlake: Well, I know hell be very handsome. And hell be a millionaire.
Immigrant #1: A millionaire? From fur trapping?
Immigrant #4: From coal?
Cornelius: No, from popular songs.
Immigrant #3: What sort of songs could make a man millions?
Cornelius: Oh I dont know. Something like [singing] “cry me a river.”
Immigrant #3: So… hell be a girl?
Cornelius: NO, thats a perfectly normal way for a man to sing! Hell be world famous by the age of 16.
Immigrant #2: Oh, by 16? How?
Cornelius: At a young age, hell go to work with a band of boys.
Immigrant #4: Like a sweatshop?
Cornelius: Sort of. Sort of like a sweatshop. Then I imagine hell branch out on his own. Growing more and more handsome every day. Hell strut about in tiny vests, thin ties, and outdated hats.
Immigrant #2: Oh that will look dreadful!
Cornelius: No, on him it will work!
Immigrant #4: That will probably frustrate huggar maiden.
Cornelius: Aye. Twill. I actually dream of a day when my great, great grandson will… bring sexy back.
Immigrant #1: Bring-bring sexy back, what does that mean?
Cornelius: Itll be gone and hell bring it back!
Immigrant #3: Where did it go?
Cornelius: Just trust me, people will be on board. Okay?
Immigrant #2: Well it sounds like hell have his pick of the ladies.
Cornelius: Aye. Indeed. Id like to think that at first, hell date a popular female singer. Publicly, they claim to be virgins but, privately, he hit it.[audience screams with laughter as Justin glances around, raises his eyebrows, closes his eyes and shakes his head]
Then-then, hell make love with women so beautiful and so often, that it wont be enough for him, and hell, I dont know maybe try some stuff with guys. I mean hell be straight! But, uh, well, never mind, forget that part, everything else will come true but forget that part. His life is going to be a nonstop orgy of fame and money. Hell sing! Hell dance! Hell act! Hell even make surprise appearances on a Saturday night comedy show! There will be great excitement. And then hell appear. Again and again. Many times a year.
Immigrant #1: Wont that lessen the excitement, though?
Cornelius: Nooo!!!! No!! Right? Itll be good, right?[a Jewish-looking man walks in]
Moyshe Samberg: [with Jewish accent] Ohhhh, it will be good![audience cheers]
Cornelius: Who are you?
Moyshe Samberg: My name is Moyshe Samberg. Your prediction has inspired me. Maybe someday my great, great grandson will also make songs.
Immigrant #2: Well, do you think hell have a beautiful voice?
Moyshe Samberg: Ehhh, hell have a voice! A fine, workable voice, you know? Itll be more about charisma with him. And maybe, in this new land of opportunity, our grandsons will collaborate.
Cornelius: You know what Jew?
Moyshe Samberg: THERE IT IS!
Cornelius: Youre all right.
Immigrant #1: To the new world![everyone cheers and raises their fists] [fade out]
Submitted by: Katie