Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 34: Episode 21
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Target Lady…..Kristen Wiig
Customer #1…..Bobby Moynihan
Customer #2…..Abby Elliott
Customer #3…..Kenan Thompson
Target Lady: Welcome to Target! Lets see (Passing the items over the scanner) Yard gloves tomato seeds fertilizer [Excitedly] Hey, Pat Sajack, Ill solve the puzzle! Gardening! [The Customer stares at her perplexedly.] Its gonna be $42.11.
Customer #1: Here you go. [Hands her a bill.]
Target Lady: [Excited] A Fifty!!! [Marks it with a highlighter to test it] And its legit!!! I get to put this under the tray! [She does]
Customer #1: Im sorry; Im in a hurry
Target Lady: Hey, uh you know what fertilizer is, right?
Customer #1: Excuse me?
Target Lady: Its part dirt and part feces. Its my job to let you know what youre buying, I just thought I should let you know, youre buying a big bag of feces.
Customer #1: …Thanks?
Target Lady: Someone left a bag of feces on my doorstep once. It was Halloween and they rang the bell but when I got there they were gone but they left their feces bag! They must have forgotten it! I put it in my garden but it didnt help any of my plants, I think because it came from a person. [Customer looks disgusted] Im sure this will work because this manure came from a chicken!!![There is a cartoon sound effect of a bullet whizzing by. When the camera cuts back to a two shot the Customer is gone.]
Target Lady: Wow! I havent seen anything move this fast since I went to an illegal mouse race! That was a weird, weird night.
Peg: [offscreen] Did somebody say weird?
Target Lady: Peg![Peg, an elderly woman in a pink bathrobe and a neckbrace enters clutching her purse and a can of coconut juice.]
Peg: Hey, girlfriend!
Target Lady: Hey!
Peg: So, I strained my neck
Target Lady: Howd you do that, Girlfriend?
Peg: I was pushin a wash machine up a hill when my fashion sandal got caught on a decorative yard prick, is that just not classic Peg?
Target Lady: Classic Peg!
Peg: So then I tripped and tried to brace myself on the washer lid but I ended up breaking it off and fallin inside! I rolled all the way down the hill inside of it. I mean I was holdin on to the cup that holds the softener and my legs were clinched around the agitator pole, can you believe it? Is that not just classic Peg?
Target Lady: So Classic!
Peg: So the next thing I know, Im peerin my head out of the machine, its eight in the morning and Im behind the Dunky Donuts by the private airport. Claaaaaasic Peg!
Target Lady: So, what brings you to Target, miss Thaing?
Peg: Two words: Potato sticks and Carl Earl. I got a date tonight.
Target Lady: Yowsa!
Peg: Well, you know how I roll [She attempts to roll her head sideways hip-hop style.] I just ow. [She touches her neck brace gingerly.] Ill be right back.[Peg exits. A second customer enters with a basket.]
Customer #2: Hi, can I pay for these?[Peg returns]
Peg: I forgot my coconut water, just classic Peg! [She looks uncomfortably at the customer and leaves again.]
Target Lady: Look how long your hair is! I bet if you put it up in a bun itd look like you were wearing a hair-covered Kaiser roll! [Takes the Customers basket] Lets see..[Rings up items] Sunscreen nose plugs I wear nose plugs around the house when my neighbor cooks broccoli! [Picks up a package of childrens arm floaties] Whats this? Arm floaties?
Customer #2: Yeah, you blow them up with air, theyre for my son to help him swim. [The Target Lady suddenly leaves in the middle of her sentence.] Hey, where are you going?[A Third customer enters]
Customer #3: Excuse me, is this register open?
Customer #2: Yeah, I guess, but the lady just took off.
Customer #3: Is it a white lady with a haircut that looks like shes got bangs that go all the way around her head and never stop?
Customer #2: Yeah.
Customer #3: Does she sound like her voice box is covered in egg?
Customer #2: Thats her.
Customer #3: Yep, I thought so. Im waiting in the other line.[The Target Lady returns with a pack of arm floaties]
Target Lady: I found em! Im gonna blow these up and put em on my antique bean cans and fill em with pencils so I can write thank-you notes in the tub![The two customers stare at her for a moment, flummoxed, and then silently leave to use another register. Peg returns.]
Target Lady: Peg! Youre back!
Peg: You are never gonna believe what just happened to me, girl. I was checkin my mascara in one of the fish tanks when all of a sudden I felt this tiny pinch on the edge of my panty band. I looked around, pushed my slacks down to my ankles and saw somethin crawlin on me. It was a Black Widow Spider!
Target Lady: Those are poisonous!
Peg: I know! So I flicked it on the ground and get this, it was a half-flattened licorice jelly bean. So there I was, laughin with my comfort slacks around my ankles at the fish tanks at Target! Classic Peg! Then guess who runs into me? My Preacher from church! And guess what he said?
Target Lady: [Excitedly] That Heaven has a Target?!
Peg: [Confused]: No he didnt say that. [Laughs silently, sholders shaking.] Classic Peg!
Target Lady: Classic Peg to the Max!
Peg: [Holding up a pair of pink satin handcuffs] And look what else I found for my date tonight. Bam-chicka-wow-wow! [Dances a bit with the handcuffs]
Target Lady: Satin handcuffs, where are those?!!
Peg: Theyre with the bachelorette party stuff [Target Lady suddenly leaves again] I think it was aisle twelve [Her phone rings, a catchy polyphonic melody. Peg dances a bit and bobs her head to the song before taking out her rhinestoned phone and slowly answering it.] This Peg. Yes, I did call for a full body waxing except for the neck. Yes, it usually takes about three hours with two breaks. Yes, I can hop on my scooter and be there in twenty. Oops, I gotta go, my friends comin back![Target Lady returns with a pair of satin handcuffs]
Target Lady: Wham, bam, thank you Peg! Im gonna put these around the trunks of my indoor palm trees to make sure they grow parallel to one another!
Peg: Well, listen I gotta go, I gotta get to my waxin. My Barbara Bush is getting bigger by the minute. [Target Lady appears to be grossed out.] I call it that because well, its white, and a bunch of people took pictures of it in the nineties.
Target Lady: TMI, miss girl.
Peg: I was thinking about makin cabbage tacos for us tonight. Maybe I should pick up some air freshener.
Target Lady: How bout instead you get a scented candle?!! We have Vanilla, Lavender breeze, Peppermint, I think theres stress reliever in that, Lilac[She continues talking and Peg begins dancing as the camera pulls back and the sketch fades out.]
Submitted by: Ted Zoldan