SNL Transcripts: Will Ferrell: 05/16/09: Cheney in Makeup



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 22





08v: Will Ferrell / Green Day

Cheney in Makeup

Make-up Girl…..Abby Elliott
Dick Cheney…..Darrell Hammond
George W. Bush…..Will Ferrell

[ open on exterior, NBC ] [ dissolve to itnerior, Make-up Room ]

Make-up Girl: So, Mr. Cheney — this is your first time on “Meet The Press” with David Gregory.

Dick Cheney: It is!

Make-up Girl: Great. Now, how do you like your make-up?

Dick Cheney: Enough color so I don’t look like a corpse, but not so much that it looks like I have feelings.

Make-up Girl: Okay. So, can I get you to close your eyes for me?

[ he chuckles snidely, then shuts his eyes as she begins ] [ as she works on Cheney, former President George W. Bush enters the room stealthily ]

George W. Bush: [ whispering loudly ] Hey, Make-up lady! Give me that brush!

[ she hands Bush the brush and exits the room. Bush proceeds to rub the brush across Cheney’s chin. ]

George W. Bush: [ in a higher octave ] So… are you excited about doing the show?

Dick Cheney: Hello, Mr. President.

George W. Bush: Aw, DAMN, Dick! You are impossible to surprise! What’s your secret?

Dick Cheney: Well, Mr. President, for one: you whisper too LOUD!

George W. Bush: Yeah, that’s always been a problem of mine! That is one of the many reasons that I am no friend to libraries! [ he tosses the brush aside ]

Dick Cheney: So, what are you doing here, Mr. President?

George W. Bush: Well, Dick, I’ve been contacted by members of the GOP — they’ve asked me to speak to you about your newfound love of the media spotlight.

Dick Cheney: [ nervously ] I, uh… have been making some television appearances.

George W. Bush: Some? You’re on TV more than that ShamWow guy!

Dick Cheney: Well, I understand this visibility is a bit of a change for me.

George W. Bush: Yeah. No DUH to the MAX, Dick! I mean, I spent eight years with my face out there, saying things I barely understood! While you were nowhere to be found!

Dick Cheney: I was… busy.

George W. Bush: Yeah. And BRAVO with what you were “busy” with, by the way. People seemed to be really psyched about it.

Dick Cheney: If you are referring to our interrogation policies, Mr. President, I have no regrets.

George W. Bush: Yeah, well, here’s MY regret: that I didn’t have me a Vice-President like Joe Biden. I mean, look at those two — going out for burgers… [ he chuckles ] laughing it up. I need THAT kind of V.P., the kind that did dumb stuff to make me look smarter! Instead, I got the one guy that scares me more than my dad!

Dick Cheney: We, uh… we had a different chemistry, sir.

George W. Bush: Yeah. The chemistry of acid in the face! Dick, it’s over! We need to move on!

Dick Cheney: We have a legacy to protect. What would you have me do, Mr. President?

George W. Bush: Just STICK to our plan: Let’s let history be the judge, okay? It’s an awesome plan, because history takes FOREVER!

Dick Cheney: There are things I think the American people need to know, sir.

George W. Bush: But I don’t want you to tell them those things, okay? Just like you probably wouldn’t want me to tell certain things. Like the time you were DEAD for three days.

Dick Cheney: Now, sir…

George W. Bush: No, no, no! “Now, sir,” nothing! You were straight up dead, okay? We were gonna bury you, but Colin Powell said, “Let’s give it one more day.” I mean, Colin’s the reason you’re here! So, I don’t like it when you, when you run him down!

Dick Cheney: Well, I would hate for the story about my, uh, unfortunate, uhhh…

George W. Bush: DEATH! The word is “death”.

Dick Cheney: …to go public.

George W. Bush: Okay. Good! Then, we’re in agreement. Okay? Yuo cool it with the world tour, and I’ll keep my mouth shut! By the way, they still only know about the one face shooting.

Dick Cheney: [ chuckling nervously ] Mr. President, uh…

George W. Bush: I’m not scared of you, any more, Dick! Okay? I’ve been watching a TON of Dr. Phil.

Dick Cheney: Very well, sir.

George W. Bush: Hey, I’m sorry to be a red ass about it.

Dick Cheney: I understand.

George W. Bush: If you ever want to Biden it up and get a burger with me — I’m game!

Dick Cheney: Yes, sir.

George W. Bush: Alright, I’ll see you later, Dick.

Dick Cheney: And, Mr. President, one last thing.

George W. Bush: Yeah?

Dick Cheney: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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