Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 34: Episode 22
Graham Yost….Will Ferrell
Old Blonde….Michaela Watkins
Girl mourner….Abby Elliott
Friend of a cousin….Will Forte
Obnoxious guy….Bobby Moynihan
Glenda Goodwin….Maya Rudolph
[Opens with a funeral home, cut to one of the rooms and there is a funeral service in process. A young girl speaks at a podium]
Girl mourner: And even though I only knew Mr. Baerwald a short time, I will treasure my memories of him for the rest of my life.[leaves, sits down. The priest talks into his hand held microphone]
Priest: Thank you, thank you. That’s lovely. All right, we’ve heard a lot of wonderful stories about Joseph today and now we’re going to move our celebration into the adjoining room for soft drinks and delicious homemade nachos. Thank you to the Hernandez family for that. [a young man whispers in the priest’s ear] Oh, yeah. Of course. One last remembrance of Joseph Baerwald. [gives the young man the mic]
Nephew: Hey, everybody. Uncle Joey was a great guy and before he passed he said I could get his watch. Its a neon green Swatch. It’s a collector’s item and it’s missing. If you have it, I’m gonna put this Ugg boot on top of the coffin. [puts the boot on top of the coffin] Ok? Put the watch in the boot and there will be no questions asked. I appreciate it. [gives mic to the priest]
Priest: There you go. That’s lovely. Ok, all right, so this sad of events on a very tragic loss, but now we’re gonna move on. We’re gonna take the—[a red headed guy whispers in the priest’s ear] no, of course, of course. This will be the very last remembrance—[guy insists and whispers some more in the priest’s ear] yeah, I heard you, yeah I’m gonna do it. This will be the very last remembrance. And FYI there will be another service here in 5 minutes.[gives the mic to the guy]
Graham Yost: Hey, my name is Graham. Like the cracker. My last name is Yost. Like french toast but with a Y. There is no A. If there are any movie buffs here I bear no blood relation to the screenwriter of “Speed” but I’m currently on it. And um, but I’m joking about that. I’m a botanist and a stand-up comedian. And with the out most respect to Joseph’s wife of 31 years, I have been Joseph’s secret lover for 32.[disturbed look on Ms.Baerwald] And that is also a joke. Um, I have never met a lot of you but I just want to say that I will really miss Joseph and I also be performing at the Comedy Shoppe on May 29th, 30th, June 1st, 2nd, 5th, 7th and 25th. If you’d like a flyer I’ll just leave a stack on the casket. [leaves a stack on the casket] I know Joseph will want all of you to be there. Every night. [gives mic back to priest]
Priest: Thank you, thank you. We’ll be sure to look out your show. It looks like we’re done here. Ok, and I have to say—[a girl carrying an oxygen tank with tubes down her nose steps up to the priest] ok, one last one. [gives her the mic]
Gayle: [breaths heavy into the mic] There is a large rodent of some kind trapped in my floorboards. I hear it scuttling about when I’m home alone. If there is anyone here who can kill it, I will give you the rewards of the flesh that you will never forget. [Priest takes the mic off of Gayle]
Priest: Ok, thank you. That was a wonderful offer. Ok, we really got to move on now…[a young guy with long hair and a suit with short pants and boots takes the mic off of the priest]
Ex-Boyfriend: Hey, look at this. All the Baerwald cousins in one room. Trip on that. You know, I know a lot of you been saying that I could never get myself a blonde. Well, turn around and take a look at the back. All of you turn around. [an old blonde with big glasses and sucking a popsicle waves] That’s mine. A blonde. I got myself a blonde. If you guys are looking for me later I’ll be in the back making out. I think you guys know what that sounds. It’ll sound like this. [passionate moaning into the mic] Mmmmm, aaaaah, mmmmmm. Times two. [Annoyed the Priest takes the mic back]
Priest: Ok. I would recomend that everyone look up the meaning of the word respect in the dictionary when they get home.
[a blonde guy with big sunglasses takes the mic from the priest, priest is angry]
Priest: You’re killing me, you’re killing me…
A friend of a cousin: [low grave voice] This year I’ve seen so much death. My cousin Earl died in my arms after a horrible run-in with a water-taxi. Mother died 2 weeks later in an accident for which I’m currently being framed. But perhaps the most tragic death is the death of the American dream because of the failed economic policies of Barack Hussein Obama. I say his middle name because it matters. This is a man who will be shutting down the Guantanamo Bay detention center letting a bunch of turbans run willy-nilly to terrorize my United States of America. So say goodbye to your loved ones and enjoy 2009 because 2010 is going to be a bloodbath of biblical proportions. I took the watch. [gives mic to the priest]
Priest: Wonderful, wonderful. Mystery solv—[a guy snatches the mic from the priest]
Obnoxious guy: WHA-A-A-AT???!!! [drops mic causing feedback, priest picks mic up]
Priest: What is that?! Ok, all right. So that was it. So we’re going to—
[Glenda Goodwin appears with her own mic]
Glenda Goodwin: Hello.
Priest: Where did you get that?
Glenda Goodwin: My name is Glenda Goodwin. I have not known this guy for no time at all. But one thing I do know, Sasquatches are real. And real freaky. And I will like to dedicate this song to this dead person. [to the tune of “Amazing Grace”] Amazing Sasquatch, your powers are many, you walk through the woods and get photographed! You don’t need a coat but you do need a comb, because your body is basically a beard.[priest tries to end it] Verse 2. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, where are the nachos?
Priest:[points] Right in there.
Glenda Goodwin: Thank you so much, young lady.[leaves]
Priest: So what I’d love for everybody to do at this point is just—
[Graham returns and takes mic from the priest]
Graham Yost: One of my show dates has been canceled. So I had to make some quick changes. I’m no longer doing the show on the 7th. But I do have some good news though, we were able to add some shows in September.
Priest:[angry] Ok, I’m outta here. [leaves]
Graham Yost: The 4th, September 8th, 9th, the 3rd.
[Glenda appear eating nachos]
Glenda Goodwin: [to the tune of “Amazing Grace”] Amazing nachos, how zesty the cheese….
Graham Yost: September 14th, two shows on the 15th…
[cheers and applause]
Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel