Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 34: Episode 22
Alex Trebek…..Will Ferrell
Kathie Lee Gifford…..Kristen Wiig
Sean Connery…..Darrell Hammond
Burt Reynolds…..Norm MacDonald
[ open on “Jeopardy” graphics ] [ dissolve to game show set ]
Alex Trebek: And welcome back to “Celebrity Jeopardy”. I’d like to once again remind our contestants that there are proper bathroom facilities located in the studio. We’ve got a real barn burner on our hands. In the lead, we have Kathie Lee Gifford, a first time player.
Kathie Lee Gifford: [ in a rap accent ] Heeyyy, who you callin’ a playa, G? G? What’s that mean — Grandpa? [ she chuckles ] Is that what the G stands for? Frank, you got a new nickname — G!
Alex Trebek: And you have -$22,400. In second place, with -$46,700, is Tom Hanks.
Tom Hanks: [ leaning to speak into his pen ] I-I-I am a slow starter, Alex, but I think you will find that I will catch up with Double Jeopardy.
Alex Trebek: Well, you’ve, uh — you’ve managed to cast away quite a number of points.
Tom Hanks: [ he shrugs ] I’m sorry… what’s that?
Alex Trebek: Oh, I’m sorry. I was making a pun on the title of your movie, “Cast Away”.
Tom Hanks: I — I don’t know what that is.
Alex Trebek: The movie you were in — “Cast Away”.
Tom Hanks: Oh, ha ha! Ha ha! I still don’t understand.
Alex Trebek: Fine. And, uh, by the way, Tom — that is a pen, not a microphone.[ Hanks pulls out the pen and blows into it ]
Alex Trebek: And, in last place, with -$69… [ he looks to the heavens ] Oh, brother… Sean Connery. -$69? okay, that wasn’t your score!
Sean Connery: Well, 69 is how I scored with your MOTHER last night! POW!! [ he laughs and accidentally yanks his pen off the podium ]
Alex Trebek: Let’s just move onto the categories for Double Jeopardy. They are: “Potent Potables”… “Sounds That Kitties Make”… “Twinkle Twinkle Little ____”… “Catch These Men” — every answer is a person on the FBI’s Most Wanted List, so let’s just forget that category [ he tears the answers cards ] I’m pretty sure that that would not turn out well —
Sean Connery: I turned out your MOTHER last night!
Alex Trebek: I’m ignoring you!
Sean Connery: It’s a prison term — it means I’ve got her working as a prostitute in my employ!
Alex Trebek: My mother is infirmed — she uses a walker!
Sean Connery: She IS a walker! A STREET WALKER!! [ he laughs obnoxiously ]
Alex Trebek: [ fuming on ] Moving on: “States That End In Hampshire”… “What Color Is Green”… and “Current Black Presidents”. Kathie Lee, let’s start with you.
Kathie Lee Gifford: Um… “Potent Potables”? I’m sorry, I don’t know what that is.
Alex Trebek: It’s… about alcohol.
Kathie Lee Gifford: Ohhh! In that case, I’ll take “Potent Potables”! [ she laughs and mimes drinking to the camera ]
Alex Trebek: For how much?
Kathie Lee Gifford: How about a glass full? [ she holds up a wine glass ] Right? Come on! Hand in over, Tree Bark, let’s go!
Alex Trebek: We-we-we don’t have wine!
Kathie Lee Gifford: That’s okay, I brought my own! [ she pulls out a little baggie of Chardonney and squeezes it into her glass ]
Alex Trebek: Great. Okay. Fine. Tom, let’s just go with you.
Tom Hanks: Well, where are we going?
Alex Trebek: Nowhere! Nowhere! Pick a category!
Tom Hanks: Uh — uh — I’ll take $600.
Alex Trebek: In what category?
Tom Hanks: The… Video Daily Double.
Alex Trebek: I had such high hopes for you. You know what? Let’s just do “States That End In Hampshire”, for $200. [ reveal square ] “This is the only state ending in Hampshire.”
Tom Hanks: [ buzzes in ] South Hampshire.
Alex Trebek: No!
Tom Hanks: Oh, I’m sorry… I’m sorry! What is South Hampshire?
Alex Trebek: No! No! Kathie Lee!
Kathie Lee Gifford: [ she buzzes in ] Hampshire, England.
Alex Trebek: No, no! That’s not in the United States!
Kathie Lee Gifford: [ in a cockney accent ] I’m sorry, Guv’nor! Please, sir, may I have some more? [ she raises her glass and laughs ]
Alex Trebek: No. Sean Connery, would you pick a category?
Sean Connery: I’ll take “Catch The Semen” for $800.
Alex Trebek: [ flabbergasted ] It’s NOT “Catch The Semen”!
Sean Connery: Is that what the moustache is for, Trebek?
Alex Trebek: [ fuming ] Tom Hanks, would you just pick a category?[ reveal Hanks with his hand caught in a pickle jar ]
Alex Trebek: And he has his hand stuck in a pickle jar.
Tom Hanks: Uh, it’s on my hand.
Alex Trebek: Where did you get that pickle jar?
Tom Hanks: Uh, I-I-I wanted a pickle.
Alex Trebek: Tom, let go of it! Let — [ Tom pulls his other hand off the base of the jar ] No, not the jar! Let go of the pickle!
Tom Hanks: But I — but I want a pickle.
Alex Trebek: But we CAN’T keep playing if you DON’T let go of the pickle!
Sean Connery: That’s what your MOTHER said last night! [ he laughs obnoxiously ] Take THAT, you poltroon!
Alex Trebek: Moving on. Kathie Lee, you have the board.
Kathie Lee Gifford: I am bored! I am bored! [ she yawns playfully amd laughs ] Do people actually watch this show?
Alex Trebek: Yes. It’s actually quite popular… [ he glances onward ] And Tom Hanks is caught in a drycleaning bag.[ reveal Hanks struggling to break free of the bag without asphyxiating himself ]
Alex Trebek: Can someone help him? No? No one can help Tom Hanks? What’s going on here? Alright, let’s just move on![ a buzzer goes off ]
Alex Trebek: Burt Reynolds.[ reveal Reynolds suddenly in the game ]
Alex Trebek: Wait, what? Burt Reynolds? Where did you come from?
Burt Reynolds: What, I’ve been here the whole time!
Alex Trebek: No, you haven’t!
Burt Reynolds: Sure, I have! Before! I’ll take, uh — give me, uh — “Famous Chinamen” for $200.
Alex Trebek: There is NO Chinamen category! And there would never be ANYTHING that offensive!
Burt Reynolds: [ he buzzes in ] Who is… Pat Morita?
Alex Trebek: First of all, Pat Morita was Japenese, not Chinese!
Burt Reynolds: [ he buzzes in ] Who is Kam Fong as Chin Ho?
Alex Trebek: Good Lord! Let’s just move on to Final Jeopardy. The category is: “Nonsense Words”. Just write a random series of letters — any letters — as long as it’s not a word, you will win.[ scroll across the celebrities: Kathie Lee writing her answer while looking directly at the camera, Hanks receiving a shock as he touches the pen to his tongue, then banging his head on the podium and falling to the floor ]
Alex Trebek: Let’s see what rare gems our cotenstants have mined today. Kathie Lee, let’s see your nonsense word.[ screen reveals: “Hoda Kotb” ]
Alex Trebek: Hoda Kotb. That’s not a nonsense word. You’ve bet your co-host on “The Today Show”.
Kathie Lee Gifford: Kotb? Believe me, that’s nonsense! Where’s the vowel? Where’s the vowel? Kotb? What’s that?
Alex Trebek: And your wager?[ screen reveals: “That I’ll be passed out in an hour” ]
Alex Trebek: You wagered that you’ll be passed out in an hour.
Kathie Lee Gifford: You’re darn tootin’, pardner! I am Hoda Cowboy!
Alex Trebek: Alright. [ he moves along ] Tom Hanks? [ Hanks rises from behind his podium ] You managed to give yourself a pretty nasty welt there. Let’s see what you wrote.[ reveal a busted podium screen ]
Alex Trebek: And… you broke your podium.
Tom Hanks: [ holds up his pen ] See, what happened was…
Alex Trebek: Okay, again, that’s a pen! That’s not a microphone! That’s not a microphone!
Tom Hanks: Sibilence! Sibilence!
Alex Trebek: [ he moves along ] Burt Reynolds..? Where — where is Burt Reynolds? Burt Reynolds’ podium just vanished!
Sean Connery: He was never here, Trebek!
Alex Trebek: Yes, he was!
Sean Connery: No, he wasn’t!
Alex Trebek: Yes, he was! But let’s just see what you wrote. [ Connery’s screen reveals what looks like “101SSSB” ] Wow! That IS a nonsense word! Judges? Yes! Yes, the judges agree! Fantastic work, Mr. Connery! I’m so very happy in this moment.
Sean Connery: Well… I thought you could use a friend.
Alex Trebek: [ he nods humbly ] Thank you. Thank you, Sean. [ he pats Connery’s hand ]
Sean Connery: You’re welcome.
Alex Trebek: … Let’s see what my “friend”, Sean, wagered.[ lower half of screen reveals a drawing of Trebek’s grave, Connery, and a piece of poop surrounded by flies ]
Alex Trebek: If I’m looking at that correctly, that’s you, I take it, defecating on my grave.
Sean Connery: It was right after I had sex with your MOTHER, Trebek!
Alex Trebek: Okay, that’s it! Show’s over, good night![ Burt Reynolds re-enters, wearing a pair of Hulk hands like boxing gloves and making for Trebek ]
Burt Reynolds: Come on! I got some Hulk hands![ fade ]