SNL Transcripts: Will Ferrell: 05/16/09: Celebrity Jeopardy



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 22











08v: Will Ferrell / Green Day

Celebrity Jeopardy

Alex Trebek…..Will Ferrell
Kathie Lee Gifford…..Kristen Wiig
…..Tom Hanks
Sean Connery…..Darrell Hammond
Burt Reynolds…..Norm MacDonald

[ open on “Jeopardy” graphics ] [ dissolve to game show set ]

Alex Trebek: And welcome back to “Celebrity Jeopardy”. I’d like to once again remind our contestants that there are proper bathroom facilities located in the studio. We’ve got a real barn burner on our hands. In the lead, we have Kathie Lee Gifford, a first time player.

Kathie Lee Gifford: [ in a rap accent ] Heeyyy, who you callin’ a playa, G? G? What’s that mean — Grandpa? [ she chuckles ] Is that what the G stands for? Frank, you got a new nickname — G!

Alex Trebek: And you have -$22,400. In second place, with -$46,700, is Tom Hanks.

[ the audience shrieks at the sight of the real Tom Hanks ]

Tom Hanks: [ leaning to speak into his pen ] I-I-I am a slow starter, Alex, but I think you will find that I will catch up with Double Jeopardy.

Alex Trebek: Well, you’ve, uh — you’ve managed to cast away quite a number of points.

Tom Hanks: [ he shrugs ] I’m sorry… what’s that?

Alex Trebek: Oh, I’m sorry. I was making a pun on the title of your movie, “Cast Away”.

Tom Hanks: I — I don’t know what that is.

Alex Trebek: The movie you were in — “Cast Away”.

Tom Hanks: Oh, ha ha! Ha ha! I still don’t understand.

Alex Trebek: Fine. And, uh, by the way, Tom — that is a pen, not a microphone.

[ Hanks pulls out the pen and blows into it ]

Alex Trebek: And, in last place, with -$69… [ he looks to the heavens ] Oh, brother… Sean Connery. -$69? okay, that wasn’t your score!

Sean Connery: Well, 69 is how I scored with your MOTHER last night! POW!! [ he laughs and accidentally yanks his pen off the podium ]

Alex Trebek: Let’s just move onto the categories for Double Jeopardy. They are: “Potent Potables”… “Sounds That Kitties Make”… “Twinkle Twinkle Little ____”… “Catch These Men” — every answer is a person on the FBI’s Most Wanted List, so let’s just forget that category [ he tears the answers cards ] I’m pretty sure that that would not turn out well —

Sean Connery: I turned out your MOTHER last night!

Alex Trebek: I’m ignoring you!

Sean Connery: It’s a prison term — it means I’ve got her working as a prostitute in my employ!

Alex Trebek: My mother is infirmed — she uses a walker!

Sean Connery: She IS a walker! A STREET WALKER!! [ he laughs obnoxiously ]

Alex Trebek: [ fuming on ] Moving on: “States That End In Hampshire”… “What Color Is Green”… and “Current Black Presidents”. Kathie Lee, let’s start with you.

Kathie Lee Gifford: Um… “Potent Potables”? I’m sorry, I don’t know what that is.

Alex Trebek: It’s… about alcohol.

Kathie Lee Gifford: Ohhh! In that case, I’ll take “Potent Potables”! [ she laughs and mimes drinking to the camera ]

Alex Trebek: For how much?

Kathie Lee Gifford: How about a glass full? [ she holds up a wine glass ] Right? Come on! Hand in over, Tree Bark, let’s go!

Alex Trebek: We-we-we don’t have wine!

Kathie Lee Gifford: That’s okay, I brought my own! [ she pulls out a little baggie of Chardonney and squeezes it into her glass ]

Alex Trebek: Great. Okay. Fine. Tom, let’s just go with you.

Tom Hanks: Well, where are we going?

Alex Trebek: Nowhere! Nowhere! Pick a category!

Tom Hanks: Uh — uh — I’ll take $600.

Alex Trebek: In what category?

Tom Hanks: The… Video Daily Double.

Alex Trebek: I had such high hopes for you. You know what? Let’s just do “States That End In Hampshire”, for $200. [ reveal square ] “This is the only state ending in Hampshire.”

Tom Hanks: [ buzzes in ] South Hampshire.

Alex Trebek: No!

Tom Hanks: Oh, I’m sorry… I’m sorry! What is South Hampshire?

Alex Trebek: No! No! Kathie Lee!

Kathie Lee Gifford: [ she buzzes in ] Hampshire, England.

Alex Trebek: No, no! That’s not in the United States!

Kathie Lee Gifford: [ in a cockney accent ] I’m sorry, Guv’nor! Please, sir, may I have some more? [ she raises her glass and laughs ]

Alex Trebek: No. Sean Connery, would you pick a category?

Sean Connery: I’ll take “Catch The Semen” for $800.

Alex Trebek: [ flabbergasted ] It’s NOT “Catch The Semen”!

Sean Connery: Is that what the moustache is for, Trebek?

Alex Trebek: [ fuming ] Tom Hanks, would you just pick a category?

[ reveal Hanks with his hand caught in a pickle jar ]

Alex Trebek: And he has his hand stuck in a pickle jar.

Tom Hanks: Uh, it’s on my hand.

Alex Trebek: Where did you get that pickle jar?

Tom Hanks: Uh, I-I-I wanted a pickle.

Alex Trebek: Tom, let go of it! Let — [ Tom pulls his other hand off the base of the jar ] No, not the jar! Let go of the pickle!

Tom Hanks: But I — but I want a pickle.

Alex Trebek: But we CAN’T keep playing if you DON’T let go of the pickle!

Sean Connery: That’s what your MOTHER said last night! [ he laughs obnoxiously ] Take THAT, you poltroon!

Alex Trebek: Moving on. Kathie Lee, you have the board.

Kathie Lee Gifford: I am bored! I am bored! [ she yawns playfully amd laughs ] Do people actually watch this show?

Alex Trebek: Yes. It’s actually quite popular… [ he glances onward ] And Tom Hanks is caught in a drycleaning bag.

[ reveal Hanks struggling to break free of the bag without asphyxiating himself ]

Alex Trebek: Can someone help him? No? No one can help Tom Hanks? What’s going on here? Alright, let’s just move on!

[ a buzzer goes off ]

Alex Trebek: Burt Reynolds.

[ reveal Reynolds suddenly in the game ]

Alex Trebek: Wait, what? Burt Reynolds? Where did you come from?

Burt Reynolds: What, I’ve been here the whole time!

Alex Trebek: No, you haven’t!

Burt Reynolds: Sure, I have! Before! I’ll take, uh — give me, uh — “Famous Chinamen” for $200.

Alex Trebek: There is NO Chinamen category! And there would never be ANYTHING that offensive!

Burt Reynolds: [ he buzzes in ] Who is… Pat Morita?

Alex Trebek: First of all, Pat Morita was Japenese, not Chinese!

Burt Reynolds: [ he buzzes in ] Who is Kam Fong as Chin Ho?

Alex Trebek: Good Lord! Let’s just move on to Final Jeopardy. The category is: “Nonsense Words”. Just write a random series of letters — any letters — as long as it’s not a word, you will win.

[ scroll across the celebrities: Kathie Lee writing her answer while looking directly at the camera, Hanks receiving a shock as he touches the pen to his tongue, then banging his head on the podium and falling to the floor ]

Alex Trebek: Let’s see what rare gems our cotenstants have mined today. Kathie Lee, let’s see your nonsense word.

[ screen reveals: “Hoda Kotb” ]

Alex Trebek: Hoda Kotb. That’s not a nonsense word. You’ve bet your co-host on “The Today Show”.

Kathie Lee Gifford: Kotb? Believe me, that’s nonsense! Where’s the vowel? Where’s the vowel? Kotb? What’s that?

Alex Trebek: And your wager?

[ screen reveals: “That I’ll be passed out in an hour” ]

Alex Trebek: You wagered that you’ll be passed out in an hour.

Kathie Lee Gifford: You’re darn tootin’, pardner! I am Hoda Cowboy!

Alex Trebek: Alright. [ he moves along ] Tom Hanks? [ Hanks rises from behind his podium ] You managed to give yourself a pretty nasty welt there. Let’s see what you wrote.

[ reveal a busted podium screen ]

Alex Trebek: And… you broke your podium.

Tom Hanks: [ holds up his pen ] See, what happened was…

Alex Trebek: Okay, again, that’s a pen! That’s not a microphone! That’s not a microphone!

Tom Hanks: Sibilence! Sibilence!

Alex Trebek: [ he moves along ] Burt Reynolds..? Where — where is Burt Reynolds? Burt Reynolds’ podium just vanished!

Sean Connery: He was never here, Trebek!

Alex Trebek: Yes, he was!

Sean Connery: No, he wasn’t!

Alex Trebek: Yes, he was! But let’s just see what you wrote. [ Connery’s screen reveals what looks like “101SSSB” ] Wow! That IS a nonsense word! Judges? Yes! Yes, the judges agree! Fantastic work, Mr. Connery! I’m so very happy in this moment.

Sean Connery: Well… I thought you could use a friend.

Alex Trebek: [ he nods humbly ] Thank you. Thank you, Sean. [ he pats Connery’s hand ]

Sean Connery: You’re welcome.

Alex Trebek: … Let’s see what my “friend”, Sean, wagered.

[ lower half of screen reveals a drawing of Trebek’s grave, Connery, and a piece of poop surrounded by flies ]

Alex Trebek: If I’m looking at that correctly, that’s you, I take it, defecating on my grave.

Sean Connery: It was right after I had sex with your MOTHER, Trebek!

Alex Trebek: Okay, that’s it! Show’s over, good night!

[ Burt Reynolds re-enters, wearing a pair of Hulk hands like boxing gloves and making for Trebek ]

Burt Reynolds: Come on! I got some Hulk hands!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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