Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 34: Episode 22
Inside The NBA
Ernie Johnson, Jr…..Bill Hader
Charles Barkley…..Kenan Thompson
Ernie Johnson, Jr.: Welcome back! We’re going into an incredible third overtime in this game, set between the Boston Celtics and the Orlando Magic. Charles, this is a great game so far.
Charles Barkley: Oh, absolutely, E.J.! This game is phenomenal! It’s like the basketblal equivalent of a McRib sandwich.
Ernie Johnson, Jr.: And after the game, be sure to stay tuned for the series premiere of “Mark”.
Ernie Johnson, Jr.: How does a single dad raise three kids and keep his sanity? Don’t ask Mark. Fridays at 9:30.[ graphic disappears ]
Charles Barkley: [ mouth agape ] Yeah, I don’t watch much TV… but I will be watching “Mark”! He looks hilarious!
Ernie Johnson, Jr.: Charles, Orlando has twice been in control, and once Boston hit three pointers to tie. What’s the psychological effect of that?
Charles Barkley: Well, it’s not good. Orlando needs to step up their brunt of the defense.[ comical graphic appears at the bottom of the screen: Mark holding a Dustbuster and a baby ]
Charles Barkley: [ excited ] Oh! Mark’s back! Now he’s got a baby and a Dustbuster! [ laughing ] Hey, Mark! You can’t dust bust a baby!
Ernie Johnson, Jr.: “Mark”. What do you call a single dad with three kids and no clue? “Mark”. From the creators of “Jeff”.
Charles Barkley: “Mark” is an instant classic!
Ernie Johnson, Jr.: Well, the big story tonight has to be Ray Allen, who left with a knee injury. Still no word on how serious the injury is…[ comical graphic appears at the bottom of the screen: Mark dancing the Moonwalk ]
Ernie Johnson, Jr.: Uh…
Ernie Johnson, Jr.: Charles… Charles. Charles!
Charles Barkley: Look at Mark!
Ernie Johnson, Jr.: Yeah, I see him.
Charles Barkley: He’s dancing!
Ernie Johnson, Jr.: Yeah, yeah. I see that.
Charles Barkley: [ on the verge of tears ] Oh, my God! Look at him go!
Ernie Johnson, Jr.: “Mark”. Who says life’s over once you have kids? Mark did. “Mark”. Followed by an all new episode of “Courting Rachel”. [ Rachel enters the graphic ] She’s a non-nonsense judge who’s also a supermodel.
Charles Barkley: Ohhhh! Mark likes that![ graphic disappears ]
Charles Barkley: [ laughing ] Who comes up with this stuff!
Ernie Johnson, Jr.: How about we, uh, look back at Toyota’s “Keys to Victory”? Alright…
Charles Barkley: Okay, so is Mark not in this part?
Ernie Johnson, Jr.: NO!
Charles Barkley: I miss Mark.
Ernie Johnson, Jr.: [ in front of “Keys to Victory” graphic board ] Okay. To win this game, the Celtics are gonna need to limit their fouls, control the paint, and get the ball to pierce. On the other side… [ graphic board now reads “Mark’s Keys to Life” ] We’re doing what?[ Mark appears in the graphic ]
Mark: Mark’s Keys to Life! Step 1: Don’t Get Married! Step 2: Find a Babysitter. Step 3: You Gotta Laugh.
Ernie Johnson, Jr.: Great…
Charles Barkley: [ laughing out loud ] Oh, I am staying up late for THAT! I’m gonna have to get me a case of Red Bulls, and make me some Stouffer’s Macaroni Pockets!
Ernie Johnson, Jr.: Can we get back to basketball, please? Charles, is there any way the Celtics can replace Ray Allen?
Charles Barkley: Oh, yeah, E.J. — put MARK in!
Ernie Johnson, Jr.: That’s NOT gonna happen!
Charles Barkley: Well, it should! I mean, that’s just the kind of crazy, mixed-up situation Mark lives for![ comical graphic appears at the bottom of the screen: Mark holding a flaming container of food ]
Charles Barkley: Oh! Speak of the devil! Hey, Mark! Your casserole’s on fire!
Ernie Johnson, Jr.: He can’t hear you!!
Charles Barkley: I know! It’s just playfullness! Hey, Mark! Wear your oven mitts! [ he claps his hands joyously ]
Ernie Johnson, Jr.: This is not what I agreed to… I’m not gonna do this any more! [ he gets up to leave ]
Charles Barkley: Hey, E.J. — you mind if I hang out with Mark a little bit?
Ernie Johnson, Jr.: Yeah, great. You can do what you want to. [ he exits ]
Charles Barkley: Oh, I love you, Mark!
Mark: I love you, too, Charles Barkley![ Barkley swoons and begins to extend his hand over Mark’s casserole and playfully pretend it’s burning his hand ] [ fade ]