SNL Transcripts: Will Ferrell: 05/16/09: Inside The NBA



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 22






08v: Will Ferrell / Green Day

Inside The NBA

Ernie Johnson, Jr…..Bill Hader
Charles Barkley…..Kenan Thompson
Mark…..Will Ferrell
Rachel…..Kristen Wiig

[ open on TNT’s “Inside the NBA” desk ]

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: Welcome back! We’re going into an incredible third overtime in this game, set between the Boston Celtics and the Orlando Magic. Charles, this is a great game so far.

Charles Barkley: Oh, absolutely, E.J.! This game is phenomenal! It’s like the basketblal equivalent of a McRib sandwich.

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: And after the game, be sure to stay tuned for the series premiere of “Mark”.

[ comical graphic appears at the bottom of the screen: Mark posing for the camera ]

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: How does a single dad raise three kids and keep his sanity? Don’t ask Mark. Fridays at 9:30.

[ graphic disappears ]

Charles Barkley: [ mouth agape ] Yeah, I don’t watch much TV… but I will be watching “Mark”! He looks hilarious!

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: Charles, Orlando has twice been in control, and once Boston hit three pointers to tie. What’s the psychological effect of that?

Charles Barkley: Well, it’s not good. Orlando needs to step up their brunt of the defense.

[ comical graphic appears at the bottom of the screen: Mark holding a Dustbuster and a baby ]

Charles Barkley: [ excited ] Oh! Mark’s back! Now he’s got a baby and a Dustbuster! [ laughing ] Hey, Mark! You can’t dust bust a baby!

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: “Mark”. What do you call a single dad with three kids and no clue? “Mark”. From the creators of “Jeff”.

[ graphic disappears ]

Charles Barkley: “Mark” is an instant classic!

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: Well, the big story tonight has to be Ray Allen, who left with a knee injury. Still no word on how serious the injury is…

[ comical graphic appears at the bottom of the screen: Mark dancing the Moonwalk ]

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: Uh…

[ Barkley bounces his had in rhythm ]

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: Charles… Charles. Charles!

Charles Barkley: Look at Mark!

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: Yeah, I see him.

Charles Barkley: He’s dancing!

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: Yeah, yeah. I see that.

Charles Barkley: [ on the verge of tears ] Oh, my God! Look at him go!

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: “Mark”. Who says life’s over once you have kids? Mark did. “Mark”. Followed by an all new episode of “Courting Rachel”. [ Rachel enters the graphic ] She’s a non-nonsense judge who’s also a supermodel.

Charles Barkley: Ohhhh! Mark likes that!

[ graphic disappears ]

Charles Barkley: [ laughing ] Who comes up with this stuff!

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: How about we, uh, look back at Toyota’s “Keys to Victory”? Alright…

Charles Barkley: Okay, so is Mark not in this part?

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: NO!

Charles Barkley: I miss Mark.

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: [ in front of “Keys to Victory” graphic board ] Okay. To win this game, the Celtics are gonna need to limit their fouls, control the paint, and get the ball to pierce. On the other side… [ graphic board now reads “Mark’s Keys to Life” ] We’re doing what?

[ Mark appears in the graphic ]

Mark: Mark’s Keys to Life! Step 1: Don’t Get Married! Step 2: Find a Babysitter. Step 3: You Gotta Laugh.

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: Great…

Charles Barkley: [ laughing out loud ] Oh, I am staying up late for THAT! I’m gonna have to get me a case of Red Bulls, and make me some Stouffer’s Macaroni Pockets!

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: Can we get back to basketball, please? Charles, is there any way the Celtics can replace Ray Allen?

Charles Barkley: Oh, yeah, E.J. — put MARK in!

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: That’s NOT gonna happen!

Charles Barkley: Well, it should! I mean, that’s just the kind of crazy, mixed-up situation Mark lives for!

[ comical graphic appears at the bottom of the screen: Mark holding a flaming container of food ]

Charles Barkley: Oh! Speak of the devil! Hey, Mark! Your casserole’s on fire!

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: He can’t hear you!!

Charles Barkley: I know! It’s just playfullness! Hey, Mark! Wear your oven mitts! [ he claps his hands joyously ]

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: This is not what I agreed to… I’m not gonna do this any more! [ he gets up to leave ]

Charles Barkley: Hey, E.J. — you mind if I hang out with Mark a little bit?

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: Yeah, great. You can do what you want to. [ he exits ]

Charles Barkley: Oh, I love you, Mark!

Mark: I love you, too, Charles Barkley!

[ Barkley swoons and begins to extend his hand over Mark’s casserole and playfully pretend it’s burning his hand ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

avatar
  Subscribe  
Notify of