Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 34: Episode 22
Will Ferrell’s Monologue
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Will Ferrell![Will Ferrell enters to wild cheers and applause]
Will Ferrell: Thank you! Thank you, thank you! Thank you very much. Thank you. I… yes, wooh! Right back at you! I am so- I am so happy to be back hosting the season finale of SNL. [to audience] I- I love you too, more than you know. I’ve always loved being on this wonderful stage in front of a live audience. I actually did a one-man show on Broadway this year and I just got nominated for a Tony award! [applause] Thank you. And… I should win. Since I’m up against that flash in the pan Liza Minelli. You know, it’s so funny to me, people- people don’t realize that before I was christened the jester, the- the funnyman, the goofbag, I was known and recognized not for comedy, but for my dramatic work in the theater. Let me cross down-stage left and explain.[Ferrell walks to the side and approaches a TV screen showing a slideshow of various silly pictures, supposedly of him doing dramatic work]
Will Ferrell: So many roles, so many stages. So many moments. And tonight, I once again walk upon the boards and present to you a mere tasting of my theatrical wines. [He strolls back to center-stage] This piece is the last scene in a play I wrote myself called “The Wishful Dreams of Danny O’Neill.” [no applause] Thank you. I will warn you- I will warn you that I have never performed it for an audience that hasn’t wept to the point of being shattered. So get ready to be moved.
Will Ferrell: [in an overly-dramatic tone] Hi dad. [audience laughs] Please, no laughter. You look so small in that hospital bed, like a boy. They said you can’t hear me, but I- I know you can. Just like when I was little and we would watch TV, and you would ignore me. [audience laughs again] Please, no laughter. Why wouldn’t you talk to me, dad? I was a five year-old boy! I would sit there wringing my hands and my mind would race. I should have been in your lap, eating popcorn. You laughing at a joke I told you and hugging me hard. But there we sat, drowning in that thick Irish disappointment of yours. I watched my mom die slowly from it, and I would find her in the lilac bushes. I’d say, “what’s wrong, mama?” She would say, [in a prominent Irish accent] “your dad is so sahd.” [audience laughs] Thank you. “Not her, she wasn’t allowed to be sad. Was she, dah?” Now I’m spending my life trying so damn hard not to hurt my boy like you hurt me. We sit in the same silence, and his mind races. It’s funny, isn’t it? You never talked to me, but I always wanted the last word. So here it is. [breaks character] Line.
Woman offstage: Hey, that popcorn’s good, ain’t it?
Will Ferrell: Hey, that popcorn’s good, ain’t it? Maybe you do love me, cause it doesn’t matter, because I love you. [screaming] Do you hear me, papa?! I said I love you! And I forgive you, because I forgive me.[He knocks on the chair]
Will Ferrell: Knock, knock. Who’s there? It’s your son. It’s your son, who? It’s your son who- and I’m sorry, line.
Woman offstage: It’s your son who loves you.
Will Ferrell: [to woman, who is not seen] It’s your son who loves you? [to camera] It’s your son, who loves you.
Will Ferrell: We have a great show! Green Day is here! Stick around, we’ll be right back!
Submitted by: Maria Hartman