Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 34: Episode 22
Weekend Update with Seth Meyers
Harry Carey…..Will Ferrell
Announcer: “Weekend Update” with Seth Meyers!
Seth Meyers: I’m Seth Meyers, and for the season finale —[Amy Poehler rolls in from the side to wild cheers and applause]
Amy Poehler: I’m Amy Poehler!
Seth Meyers: Welcome back.
Amy Poehler: Thank you. [to audience] Thank you! Thank you!
Together: Here are tonight’s top stories!
Amy Poehler: Ha ha!
In a reversal of his position, President Obama this week said he now opposes the release of photographs showing terrorist suspects being abused in Afghanistan and Iraq. Meaning we’ll just have to wait for Dick Cheney’s Christmas card.
Donald Trump announced Tuesday that despite the controversy over Miss California Carrie Prejean’s stand on gay marriage and racy pre-pageant photos, she will keep her crown. Hm, who’d have ever imagined Donald Trump would side with the hot lady who likes to take her top off?
Seth Meyers: Astronaut Mike Massimo, who was aboard the space station Atlantis, became the first person to twitter from space when he sent the message, “Launch was awesome.” So in forty years we went from “One giant leap for mankind” to “Launch was awesome.”
I assume if we ever encounter intelligent life in the Cosmos, this is how we’ll be notified. [show picture of twitter submission reading, “Alienz, you guys! :-O”]
JP Morgan Bank is foreclosing on the Long Island mansion owned by Victoria Gotti, the 46-year-old daughter of mafia boss John Gotti. In related news, the JP Morgan Bank has just been found in the East River.
Amy Poehler: The World Health Organization said Thursday that the swine flu virus did not result from a laboratory accident. So you’re back on the hook, Fernando, the farmer who married a pig.
Seth Meyers: Arizona State University this week decided not to give an honorary degree to President Barack Obama, who gave the comencement address at their graduation ceremony, claiming that he hasn’t accomplished enough. That brings us to a segment we like to call, “Really!?! with Seth & Amy.”[show segment logo and theme]
Seth Meyers: Really, Arizona State? You didn’t want to give an honorary degree to President Barack Obama? You do realize half the people you gave regular degrees to were wearing flip flops and hiding flasks? Don’t get me wrong, you’re a fine school. Princeton Review ranks you number 17 – as a party school. As in “school” school you’re 121st. That bums you out, may I suggest you go party?
Amy Poehler: Really? And really, Arizona State, you might be over-valuing the worth of your degrees. Your acceptance rate is 95 per cent. Your slightly more selective than the Burger King Kids’ Club.
Seth Meyers: Really?
Amy Poehler: I mean, really! Were you worried that giving the degree to someone as underqualified as President Obama would tarnish the noble image of Sparky the Sun Devil? [show image of Arizona State’s mascot]
Seth Meyers: And really, how are you not impressed enough with his accomplishments? Who are you, the Great Santini? What other accomplishments are you waiting for? Not only is he the first black President, he’s the first guy in history to get accepted by Harvard and get rejected by a safety school. I mean, really?
Amy Poehler: Really!? He could live to be 200, and the first entry on his Wikipedia page will still be, “first black President.” Really! Here’s- here’s how I think the Board of Regents meeting went. Dean Skeeter was all like, “he’s only 47,” and then Dean Scootch was all like, “it’s only been a hundred days,” and then Dean Skeeter goes, “47 only goes in a hundred like four times,” and then the pizza came and the meeting was over.
Seth Meyers: And really – Arizona State, you’ve made a dangerous gamble, because when the talks between the U.S. and Iran break down because Ahmadinejad said, “if you’re so smart, where’s your honorary degree from Arizona State?” – that’s on you! Really!
Amy Poehler: That’s blood on you hands! Really! And you know, Seth, on a different note congratulations to Notre Dame who will be giving an honorary degree to the President despite pro-life protestors. Cause, you see, Notre Dame understands that honorary degrees carry all the gravitas of a #1 Dad coffee mug. Really?
Seth Meyers: And lastly, Arizona State, you should be happy you got President Obama to speak at your graduation. You know who spoke on my graduation? Tootie from “Facts of Life.” Really! She spoke for twelve minutes and said “Facts of Life” fifty times.
Amy Poehler: And you know who spoke at mine? Natalie from “The Facts of Life”, and she never even mentioned the show!
Seth Meyers: Really?
Amy Poehler: Really? Really?![show segment logo and theme]
Announcer: This has been “Really!?! with Seth and Amy.”
Seth Meyers: Responding to reports of infidelities, Kate Goslin from the reality show “Jon & Kate Plus Eight” denied that she and her husband were splitting up, though it is interesting that TLC has two shows on its fall schedule entitled “Jon Plus Four” and “Kate Plus Four.”
Karda, an orangutan at a zoo in Australia, escaped from her enclosure on Sunday after she short-circuted an electric fence and broke free. She then climbed over the fence, where another orangutan was waiting with the car running.
Amy Poehler: Walt Disney World Resort is opening an attraction next week called “The Great Piggybank Adventure,” which will teach families about personal finance. Though not as effectively as Disney’s other new attraction, “Offshore Bankers of the Caribbean.”
Seth Meyers: Last week Major League baseball was rocked by yet another steroid scandal as Manny Ramirez was suspended for fifty games for taking advance substance. Here now to discuss the issues of steroids and baseball, the ghost of Harry Carey.
Harry Carey: Hey! Hey everybody! Hey guys, hey guy. Harry Carey here! From the after life! And I gotta tell ya, folks – being dead is fantastic! This is the best thing that ever happened to me. It’s like Heaven.
Seth Meyers: It’s- it’s like Heaven or it is Heaven?
Harry Carey: Let’s not get caught up in the semantics argument, Seth. The fact is it’s great.
Seth Meyers: Well, I’m- that’s good, I’m glad to hear it.
Harry Carey: Hey! You know the one thing used for currency in Heaven? Angel bucks. You always have 100 angel bucks in you wallet. And even after you pay for something you still have 100 angel bucks. I don’t even know what the point is, I guess they- they figured that even in Heaven, people like having wallets.
Seth Meyers: So how do you feel about the whole Manny Ramirez situation, Harry?
Harry Carey: Hey, Seth. Don’t you think Manny Ramirez looks like the monster from Predator?
Seth Meyers: Yeah, I guess his hair is sorta-
Harry Carey: I mean, based on his size and strength, I bet the Predator monster would make a pretty good ball player. I mean, the fear would be that he would kill all the other players. I mean, I guess you can ask him not to. But I think he’d probably just tell you what you wanted to hear. Do you think you could trust him, Seth?
Seth Meyers: What?
Harry Carey: Hey, don’t jerk me around, Seth! It’s a simple ‘yes or no’ question. If the Predator monster promised he wouldn’t kill all the other players, would you put him in the game?
Seth Meyers: No?
Harry Carey: Good call, Seth. I mean, I think eventually his hunter instincts would be too hard to resist.
Seth Meyers: Okay… Do you feel like the continuing steroid scandals are tarnishing baseball?
Harry Carey: I’ve been talking about this very question a lot with my room mate in Heaven, baseball great Pete Rose.
Seth Meyers: Pete Rose isn’t dead.
Harry Carey: You’re kidding? That really burns me, I just- I just paid that guy 100 angel bucks for some memorabilia. I duped me. Although, now that I think about it there were some signs that he might not have been who he said he was.
Seth Meyers: What signs?
Harry Carey: Well, he didn’t seem to know much about baseball, and he was Asian. Come to think of it, he might never have even told me he was Pete Rose, I just assumed it. Hey!
Seth Meyers: Do you have anything else to add?
Harry Carey: Just this – waterboarding is torture, Seth. It’s like the one thing that everyone in Heaven agrees on.
Seth Meyers: Well, that… came out of nowhere.
Harry Carey: Not really. It popped into my head because I’m gonna waterboard Asian Pete Rose when I get back to my room. I mean, Heaven or no Heaven – I don’t like getting duped, Seth.
Seth Meyers: Harry Carey, everyone!
Harry Carey: God bless! Bye, Seth! Hey, bye, Amy!
Amy Poehler: Bye, Harry! Bye, Harry!
Pfizer unveiled a new program Thursday that provides people who have lost their jobs and health insurance with free Lipotorine Viagra. So good news, ladies! You know that fat guy you’ve been dating who uses Viagra? He doesn’t have a job!
Seth Meyers: Tony Danza has begun work on a new A&E series in which he will spend a year teaching tenth grade English at a New York City school. The network is already preparing a spin-off series, in which a group of students repeat tenth grade English.
It was revealed this week that Harrison Ford is engaged to his long-time girlfriend Calista Flockhart. Unfortunately, the news came to light in the final paragraph of Chewbacca’s suicide note.
A company in Japan has developed a set of knee pads that allow men to squat down in front of the toilet, reducing the possibility of splashback when they urinate. Also, that’s not what they’re for.
Amy Poehler: In an interview this week Tom Cruise said that he will never give up his life as an actor to go into politics. Though he would consider giving up movies to become “Pope of Outer Space.”
A man in Florida who is an aspiring rapper told police that he robbed a convenience store and shot a clerk in the head with a BB gun in an effort to gain street cred for his hip hop career. So good luck with your career, Lil’ Douchebag.
Seth Meyers: For “Weekend Update”, I’m Seth Meyers!
Amy Poehler: And he’s Seth Meyers! Good night!
Submitted by: Maria Hartman