Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 34: Episode 22
The Lawrence Welk Show
Lawrence Welk…Fred Armisen
Ted Nathers…Will Ferrell
Sister #2…Michaela Watkins
Sister #3…Abby Elliott
(Open with the PBS logo on screen.)
Announcer: This is PBS. We now return to a mildly enjoyable super-old rerun of “The Lawrence Welk Show.”
(Cut to Lawrence Welk, surrounded by bubbles on the set.)
Lawrence Welk: Tank you, tank you, welcome back to the Lawrence Welk Show. Aren’t these bubbles wonderful? If I could have them follow me around everywhere, I would. But enough about the wonderful bubbles, let’s continue on with our salute to spring. And what comes with the spring? Romance. Here to sing about it is the handsome baritone Ted Nathers accompanied by the Meryl Sisters who came all the way from the Finger Lakes They are lakes that look like fingers, I guess. I don’t travel. Ladies and gentlemen, Ted Nathers. One, and a two, and a…
(We cut to Ted Nathers on stage, leaning against a lamppost, as the song begins.)
Ted: Do you want to know a secret? I love this corner.
(Ted nudges the post and the light goes on.)
Ted: Boo ba ba doo, ba ba doo, ba ba doo,
I like potatoes, I like meat
I like standing on the corner of a street
It’s my favorite place to be and I’ll tell you why
It’s because I get to see the pretty ladies passing by…
(He introduces himself to each member of the as they enter.)
Ted: Hey where you goin’?
Nora: I’m going to the park!
Ted: Hey where you headin’?
Sister #2: Heading to a party!
Ted: Hey where you off to?
Sister #3: Off to the parlor!
Ted: Hey where you goin’?
Junice: And I’m Junice!
(Ted is somewhat put off by Junice, with her shrill voice and large forehead, but presses on with the song. Junice keeps staring at him.)
Ted: Hey there ladies, before you go,
There is something that I’m dyin’ to know
A tiny, tiny question, hope you understand,
Tell me what you’re looking for in a man!
(He passes behind each girl in sequence.)
Nora: I like strong arms…
Ted: Well I got ’em!
Sister #2: I like white teeth…
Ted: Hey look at ’em!
Sister #3: I like soft skin…
Ted: I use lotion!
Junice: I like, can I touch?
(Junice starts putting her extremely tiny hands on Ted, who recoils. Junice proceeds to put her arms around the lamppost, grinning all the while. Ted looks around uncomfortably.)
Ted: Well thank you ladies for enlightenin’ me
I hope you give me a chance-
Sisters: There’s one more thing we’d like to see,
And that’s if you can dance.
Ted: Well I certainly can try.
(He tap dances all over the stage, as the sisters look on impressed, except Junice, who wanders about aimlessly. Ted then dances with each girl in turn.)
Ted: How’s tha-at?
Nora: Ooh that’s nice!
Ted: And how’s thi-is?
Sister #2: Do it twice!
Ted: How’s this feel?
Sister #3: Are you for real?
Ted: Shall we dance real close?
Junice: Yeah (before Ted finishes his line).
(Ted nervously dances around with Junice, who gropes around and puts her hand on his bottom. He promptly pushes her off and she goes backstage. A crash is heard. Frustratedly, he returns to the song, looking around for her.)
Sisters: We’d like to tell you we all agree
That you’d be the perfect mate…
Ted: Then there’s only one thing to decide,
Where will we go on our first date?
Nora: We could go sailing…
Ted: I like that idea.
Sister #2: We can have a picnic…
Ted: Oh, I hope there’s no ants (The sisters laugh).
Sister #3: We could ride bikes…
Ted: A bicycle built for two? (The sisters laugh until Junice re-enters.)
Junice: I put worms in my bed and slept in my bed
And put a squirrel in my bed and mustard in my bed
And then I ate ’em all, is that bad?
Ted: Yes, that is bad.
Junice: A do doo do doo do doo doo…
(Fed up at last, Ted walks offstage with Junice following him, as her sisters walk offstage, embarrassed. We return to Lawrence Welk, looking on.)
Lawrence Welk: Tank you, tank you, wasn’t that wonderful? And by wonderful I mean interesting. Please stay tuned as our salute to Spring continues with husband and wife team Dana and Donna–
(Ted backs off, warding off Junice, who keeps going after him. She then goes around popping the bubbles with her tiny hands.)
Ted: Stay back! Stay back! Stay back!
Lawrence Welk: (continuing) singing the popular hymn “He makes all things beautiful in His time.” Now a special word from our sponsors, Pall Mall cigarettes, Coppertone tanning butter and Morton salt.
(Close on a still of the Lawrence Welk Show logo.)
Submitted by: Tony DuMont