Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 34: Bonus Episode 1
Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers
Oscar Rogers…..Kenan Thompson
Daryl Hall…..Will Forte
John Oates…..Fred Armisen
Announcer: “Weekend Update”, with Amy Poehler and Seth Meyers.
Amy Poehler: Hello, I’m Amy Poehler.
Seth Meyers: And I’m Seth Meyers, and here are tonight’s top stories:
As stocks dropped sharply on Monday, President Bush urged patience with the governments new 700 billion dollar plan saying, “Its going to take a while.” Of course, the good news is, hes never been right.
A new national poll suggests that six in ten Americans think another great depression is likely. But half of those people say they look forward to seeing homeless people wearing fedoras again.
Amy Poehler: The second presidential debate was held Tuesday night, and the town hall format featured an audience comprised of a diverse cross-section of eighty undecided bald dudes.
At a rally on Saturday, Sarah Palin attempted to recite a quote from Madeleine Albright that she read off of a Starbucks cup. She then summed up her views on energy by claiming: “America Runs On Dunkin.”
Seth Meyers: Last week, dozens of movie and television productions in Indias Bollywood shut down as actors and crewmembers went on strike. Hopefully the dispute can be resolved by the people that control Bollywood: the Bjews.
A friend of O.J. Simpson says that, before the start of his trial, he broke up with Christie Prody, his girlfriend of ten years. Well, he didnt O.J. break up with her, he just regular broke up with her.
Amy Poehler: According to a new report, at least one in four land species on Earth face extinction in the near future. Oh, man, I hope that list includes armadillos cause, yo! I be HATIN’ armadillos!
Seth Meyers: You’ve always been hatin’ armadillos.
Amy Poehler: Always!
Seth Meyers: Its been a rough week on Wall Street. Today alone, the Dow plunged 678 points, closing below 9,000. Here to talk more in-depth about the economic crisis is Weekend Updates new financial expert, Oscar Rogers.
Oscar Rogers: Hello, Seth, Amy.
Seth Meyers: Hi, Oscar. Good to see you, thanks for coming. Now, we all know that our current economic situation has left every American fearful of whats in store. Oscar, do you see any light at the end of the tunnel?
Oscar Rogers: Well, Seth, there was a light, but its broken! And somebody needs to crawl down to the end of that tunnel and FIX IT!
Seth Meyers: Okay, well, that doesnt sound very promising.
Oscar Rogers: Its not! These people need to FIX IT! Ive been a financial consultant for 16 years, and Ive never seen it this out of control! They need to clamp it down and FIX IT! When I wake up tomorrow morning, it better be FIXED!
Seth Meyers: But how do we go about fixing it, specifically?
Oscar Rogers: Take it one step at a time. Identify the problem. FIX IT! Identify another problem. FIX IT! Repeat as necessary until it is all FIXED!!
Seth Meyers: Uh — you keep saying “fix it”, but how?
Oscar Rogers: FIX IT!
Seth Meyers: Fix what?
Oscar Rogers: IT! It needs to be FIXED! NOW!!
Seth Meyers: Any, uh — any final words? Although, I think I know what theyre gonna be.
Oscar Rogers: Oh, yeah? Well, what do you think Im gonna say, Seth?
Seth Meyers: I dont know , probably “fix”
Oscar Rogers: FIX IT! FIX IT! FIX IT!
Seth Meyers: Oscar Rogers, everyone.
Amy Poehler: The U.S. Department of Agriculture issued a warning this week, urging customers to thoroughly cook frozen chicken dinners, after 32 people got salmonella poisoning. So, I know its hard, but try to hold back your excitement over your frozen chicken dinner long enough for it to cook properly.
Seth Meyers: A woman in England paid over $17,000 for her cat to spend six days in an oxygen tent to cure his paralyzed larynx. The cat showed its gratitude by briefly holding eye contact.
At a House Committee hearing on Tuesday, it was revealed that, after receiving an $85 million government bailout, insurance giant AIG spent $440,000 on a luxury retreat for top earners. Which brings us to a segment we like to call “REALLY!?! WITH SETH AND AMY.”[ art card ]
Seth Meyers: Really, AIG? Really? You went on this retreat only six days after receiving an 85 billion dollar bailout? Really? Even the mafia knows not spend money that soon after a heist. I mean, really!
Amy Poehler: Really! And the retreat was planned to recognize AIGs top earners? Really? What does it take to be a top earner at AIG right now? Did you sell your office furniture on Craigslist?
Seth Meyers: I mean, Really!
Amy Poehler: Really!
Seth Meyers: And you spent $150,000 on banquets? Really? Was your waiter Prince? Did you hire robot chefs? You better have a robot chef, because, if there were any humans in the kitchen, you drank urine!
Amy Poehler: Yeah, you did! You really did! Really! And, and you defended the retreat, saying it had been planned before the bailout. Thats like going ahead with Grandmas birthday party even though Grandma died three days ago. Really!
Seth Meyers: And Really, you had to go there for teambuilding? Heres a cheaper way to do team building. You know all those empty sacks that used to be filled with money? Get in those and race.
Amy Poehler: Yeah! Really!
Seth Meyers: Really!
Amy Poehler: Also, the Federal Reserve on Wednesday agreed to provide AIG with a second 37 billion dollar loan, on top of the original 85 billion dollar loan. Yeah! Which brings us to a new segment we like to call, “Oh My God, Are You Serious!?!”[ art card ]
Amy Poehler: Oh, my God! Are you serious, Federal Government?!
Seth Meyers: Are you really serious?!
Amy Poehler: Oh, my God! Its like you gave your junkie cousin $100 for rent, and then you ran into him at the dog track, and you gave him another $37 billion! I mean, are you serious?!
Seth Meyers: Seriously, are you serious?!
Amy Poehler: Oh, my God!
Seth Meyers: Really!
Amy Poehler: Huh![ art card ]
Announcer: This has been “Oh My God, Are You Serious!?!” within a “Really!?! with Seth & Amy.”
Seth Meyers: We’ll be right back with more “Weekend update”, after this commercial break![ fade to black ] [ return to “Weekend update” with the audience cheering ]
Amy Poehler: Thank you! Welcome back to “SNL Weekend Update Thursday”! Those commercials were great!
A tavern in Japan has a pair of monkeys wearing jackets and shorts, that take hot towels out of a warm oven and give them to patrons. So business is booming over at T.G.Ive Been Scalded by a Monkey.
The original Carvel Ice Cream store in Hartsdale, New York is closing, after more than seventy years of promoting cruelty to whales.[ picture: chocolate whale cake ]
Seth Meyers: A new video game is being developed called “Scratch: The Ultimate DJ”, which is a hip-hop version of “Guitar Hero” using a turntable controller. For kids who are too lazy to learn the fake guitar.
Cities and states across the country are facing a road salt shortage, leading many areas scrambling to stockpile before the first snow arrives. Because no one could have possibly anticipated another winter.
Amy Poehler: As the election nears, both candidates have been lining up the support of such popular musicians as Bruce Springsteen, who supports Obama, and Hank Williams Jr., who supports McCain. Here now, another politically committed musical group, Hall and Oates. [ Hall & Oates appear ] Okay, ho you doing, Hall & Oates? Okay, so — you guys, which candidate do you guys support?
Daryl Hall: Well, actually, I support Barack Obama.
John Oates: And I support John McCain.
Daryl Hall: Yeah, we dont agree on the candidates, uh, but we do respect each others opinions and we believe this song gets out both of our messages fairly and equally. Hit it!
(MUSIC: “You Make My Dreams Come True”)
Daryl Hall: [ singing ]“What I want, you’ve got
A choice in this election.
Gotta make the right selection
Obama or McCain.”
John Oates: [ singing ] (Yeah, yeah)
Daryl Hall: [ singing ]“Two great candidates
That you can choose to vote for.
Yuo could pick the cool Black guy
Or a weird old man who’s lame.”
John Oates: [ singing ] (Hold up)
Daryl Hall: [ singing ] “Well, well, you…”
John Oates: [ singing ] (ooh-ooh, hoo-ooh, ooh-ooh)
Daryl Hall: [ singing ] “Obama makes my dreams come true!”
John Oates: [ singing ] (McCain’s good, too — ooh-hoo, McCain)
Daryl Hall: [ singing ]“I agree with you
McCain is bad.”
John Oates: [ singing ] (I didn’t say that)
Daryl Hall: [ singing ] “But Obama is really good.”
John Oates: [ singing ] (Not cool, you changed the words, to suit your liberal agenda)
Daryl Hall: [ singing ]“WEll, I heard McCain
once built his own sex dungeon.”
John Oates: [ singing ] (Hey, I just realzied something, you sing most of this song)
Daryl Hall: [ singing ]“Yes, that’s true
Now you shut up, while I’m singing
about McCain’s thirst for dog blood
like a vampire, but with dogs.”
John Oates: [ singing ] (This sucks)
Daryl Hall: [ singing ] “Not for me.”
John Oates: [ singing ] (I quit, Daryl Hall, I quit)
Daryl Hall: [ singing ]“Don’t leave, Oates
I’ll miss you.”
John Oates: [ singing ] (Okay, I’m back, you convinced me)
Daryl Hall: [ singing ] “I’m glad that’s settled.”
John Oates: [ singing ] (Me too, me too)
Daryl Hall: [ singing ]“Let’s not ever ley politics
come between us again.”
John Oates: [ singing ] (Ooh-hoo, hoo-hoo-ooh)
Amy Poehler: Hall and Oates, everybody!
Seth Meyers: For Weekend Update, I’m Seth Meyers!
Amy Poehler: I’m Amy Poehler! We’ll be right back!